To wish friends wouldn't invite other couple when we visit.

[rainonthewindows]

We have some good friends we've known for years and get on really well with, they're really easy going like us, we have the same humour and can have a really good laugh as we don't take ourselves too seriously and can joke and banter.
However they have some other friends well call x&x who are really nice people but are very straight laced and serious and don't like to joke and banter so when they are there we have to be careful what we say because they're easily offended and don't swear or anything and I feel it really changes the ambience of the evening.
Our friends have invited us over this weekend and we've accepted, however I've seen friend this morning and she said they are really looking forward to seeing us this weekend and so are x&x who are coming too, to be honest my heart sank a bit as it won't be the fun evening I was expecting because I hadn't realised they'd be there and dh isn't bothered about going either now, I don't dislike them, they just aren't our sort of people, they're much more formal than we like to be.
Would it be really bad if we declined and said we'd prefer to see them when they aren't with x&x or is that just something you don't say?

This. ^ That poster @Stupidliefromfriend sounds like she may be the OP's 'friend' who has invited others along to their house when it was meant to just them and the OP and her partner. 😆 She sounds very defensive and annoyed!

Yeah don't go @rainonthewindows Changes the dynamic inviting others. Hate it when people do that! As pps have said - she is killing 2 birds with one stone. Lazy and rude!

.

When I am hosting a dinner I message the invitees separately.
I don't mention who else, if anyone, will be there.
Whoever accepts, accepts.

They definitely want you there to liven things up a bit.

Personally I think you're going the wrong way about it. Be yourselves... These people either will give you a swerve in future or, might unclench a bit.

Life is too short for x and xs, especially boring, staid old buffers like these two sound.
So don't go.

You don't get to tell your hosts that you disapprove, or are disappointed that you're not their only guests.

If you want to be exclusive, then you host.

I think you should go to the dinner if you value the friendship.
But try to have a face to face conversation with the person in the couple you are the closest to over coffee, and tell them you don't feel very comfortable with X&X because you are worried to offend them with your banter etc. I think it's a very reasonable thing to say, and they have no reason to be offended (when cancelling dinner now is kind of rude-ish). They probably know you are very different and thought you were getting along, but of you aren't then they won't invite you together in the future.

Another vote to go and be yourselves. Why would you change your personality for other guests?

I was thinking the same thing. Maybe the friends don't enjoy the "banter" quite as much as you do ?

If you really don't want to go, just be upfront. But you could just go this time, see if it's better and if it's not tell your friend next time you'd orefer just the four of you

No. You get to choose the guest list when you are the host.

if you invite them to yours then you are in control of who else goes

It would be such bad manners to say something

Do you ever invite your friends to yours?

Maybe the morose couple invite them over so your friends feel they have to reciprocate and invite them too?

I have a friend who never invites me over but I do include her when I invite my other friends that she isn’t close to. I wouldn’t invite my friend on her own because she never reciprocates so I don’t want to go to the trouble of a lovely meal for her alone.

There are basically three options here 1) keep visiting, put up with the x's and watch everything you say in case it offends OR just say it anyway, 2) be honest with your friends and tell them why you really do not want to spend time in the x's company or 3) make an excuse not to go if you know the x's will be there. With Option 3) it's obvious the friends would be thick as mince not to realise the OP's making excuses every time.

Only the OP knows if she'd be really sorry to lose this couple as friends if she's honest with them. Nobody else can tell her that! Although the friends can of course invite whoever they want to their own home , why would anyone want to regularly spend evenings there feeling uncomfortable or bored? So the only two options are 1) or 2) here. But from what the OP says, saying what she wants, whether she offends the x's or not, is something that's off the table, so if she picks 1), she's going to have to watch what she says and that's it, end of story.

Regarding any embarrassment caused to the friends by having to tell the x's, do the feelings of the friends trump the feelings of OP? Why shouldn't she be upfront about how she feels if she & her partner are uncomfortable?

I wanna hear more about the Xs and the Bantermeisters to see which of them are really the boring ones!

I was once in the position where i had a friends couple who told me they didn’t like another couple. It actually tainted things for me. I felt sorry for couple B as they are really nice people, and I just felt as if couple A had criticised my judgement of people. It has made things a bit awkward as they are part of a wider friendship group and I now feel I have to make sure they avoid each other

You sound to me like you might have some good jokes and banter yourself @SweetBirdsong Am I right?! You and OP should get together and not let anyone else join in ruining it all.

Go this time but have a chat afterwards about the fact that you'd prefer it just to be the four of you in future!

OP, if you are close with friends who’ve invited you and have known them longer, I’d just tell them that they (uptight couple) are not your crowd. You could also loose the mask and just be yourselves and banter as you would.

it could be liberating to stop the pretense and walking on eggshells.

Have the uptight couple made it clear that they are offended by your banter, or do they just not instigate? Plenty of people don't swear etc, but would be OK with other people doing it.

Just be you. It will either become obvious that you and the other couple aren't a good fit, or you might find a new side to the other couple.

Surely the way to ensure it's only the four of them is to INVITE THE COUPLE TO HER HOUSE!! I know hosting is a headache, but it's the only way you can dictate the guest list.

I think one of two things is going on.
Either:
The OP's friends actually find OP a bit much unless the staid friend's are there to encourage her to keep a lid on it.
OR
The OP's friends are sick of having to host all the time and are trying to make the dinners boring enough for OP to pull her finger out and host a get together for just the four of them.

Reading this thread, I’ve realised that, over the years, I’ve gradually distanced myself from people who are inviters of extra people. I love a catch up, but more isn’t merrier for me.

Yes it is something you just don’t do. If I was the host and you said you were not coming because you don’t like the other couple, who they obviously do, I think I would be thinking about our friendship. I don’t think I would be happy that you where dictating who we could and couldn’t invite.

Yes! Maybe they invite the ‘staid old buffers’ thinking that hopefully that might put a stop to the jokes, ‘banter’ and swearing….

Er...bit of a jump here. The OP and her partner aren't 'dictating' who the friends can/cannot invite. Of course they can invite whoever they want. But OP & partner are also entitled to say they would rather not come if the x's are invited. If it really annoys the OP so much, why would she not be honest?

What's the alternative - keep spending evenings walking on eggshells? Obviously the friends are either unaware of OP's feelings or they simply don't care - so what's to lose? An evening of watching everything you say in case it offends? Good luck with that.

Suck it up this time as you’ve already committed but next time invite them
to yours.

How do you know it was just meant to be OP and her partner? OP never asked.

I agree totally with @Stupidliefromfriend , OP should invite them over if she wants it to be just them.