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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish friends wouldn't invite other couple when we visit.

102 replies

rainonthewindows · 22/01/2024 13:09

We have some good friends we've known for years and get on really well with, they're really easy going like us, we have the same humour and can have a really good laugh as we don't take ourselves too seriously and can joke and banter.
However they have some other friends well call x&x who are really nice people but are very straight laced and serious and don't like to joke and banter so when they are there we have to be careful what we say because they're easily offended and don't swear or anything and I feel it really changes the ambience of the evening.
Our friends have invited us over this weekend and we've accepted, however I've seen friend this morning and she said they are really looking forward to seeing us this weekend and so are x&x who are coming too, to be honest my heart sank a bit as it won't be the fun evening I was expecting because I hadn't realised they'd be there and dh isn't bothered about going either now, I don't dislike them, they just aren't our sort of people, they're much more formal than we like to be.
Would it be really bad if we declined and said we'd prefer to see them when they aren't with x&x or is that just something you don't say?

OP posts:
Windymcwindyson · 22/01/2024 13:39

Just say you were looking forward to kicking back and they aren't likely to be happy about that but you hope they all enjoy the evening..

Windymcwindyson · 22/01/2024 13:39

It may be the hosts home but it's your time to op. And you don't have to waste it having a shit time...

TommyNever · 22/01/2024 13:42

DriftingDora · 22/01/2024 13:36

Why make excuses - you'll only have to keep on making excuses and it'll become obvious - or you'll have to put up with it. Which do you want? If you're bored witless, then this is a situation where I'd have to be straight up and tell the friends. It's pointless making excuses not to go to theirs next time, or saying you'll invite your friends to yours next time, because they're presumably going to invite you again and still invite the x's - so you'd need to keep on finding silly excuses!

Far better to be open and honest if you feel this way - you just have to say you don't feel comfortable/find it restrictive because you're both on tenterhooks all the time that you'll say something that the x's won't like. The x's sound dull and humourless and if they're not your kind of people - that's fine. It'll come out in the end, anyway - so tell the friends now. No need to be rude, just honest.

Trouble is, once one party is honest about these things the others tend to follow suit. So the x couple will be turning up and asking about the missing OP, and the hosts will sadly confide that "they decided not to come because they don't like your company", and there'll be a lot of mutual head-shaking and tut-tutting, very likely marking the end of a friendship that the OP values.

MrsDoubtfire123 · 22/01/2024 13:43

I hate it when I arrange to do things with someone / a group and then others get invited after I’ve accepted. It’s fine if from the oustset whos going to be there / whos is invited is communicated- but when others are added into the mix Afterwards- that annoys me. Maybe you arrange a thing , where it’s just you and the couple you are friends with , next time!

beetr00 · 22/01/2024 13:49

you are not being, at the least, unreasonable @rainonthewindows

Inviting any others changes the dynamic, totally.

Why do people do this? Am perplexed.

So many seem to think it's acceptable! Whyyyy?

Snoken · 22/01/2024 13:51

Just go and be yourselves. I wouldn't alter myself and become more formal just because other people who are there act that way. It's not like their way of being is the correct way and yours is the wrong way. If I felt particularly petty I would possibly even exaggerate slightly to scare them off from wanting to come to future gatherings.

Folklore9074 · 22/01/2024 13:55

Another vote for going and being yourselves now that you said your going. Having accepted the invite saying you don’t want to go because x&x is going looks so childish. If you have a shit time be proactive about leading on the plans with the hosting couple in future… or declining invites when it’s likely they’ll invite people you can’t be bothered with.

Original poster
rainonthewindows · 22/01/2024 13:55

Our friends don't alter their behaviour but they tend to banter with us and not the others, the same as we'd say something to our friends that we definitely wouldn't to them.

OP posts:
LongDarkTeatime · 22/01/2024 14:05

catsnhats11 · 22/01/2024 13:18

Is it possible they are more aligned to X&X than you think, and that is why they have invited them, to balance things out?

Interesting point. I wonder if hosts find OP a little too much?

ManateeFair · 22/01/2024 14:06

I would go but I wouldn't alter my behaviour in any way. If x&x are offended, then so be it. It isn't their house.

Nestofwalnuts · 22/01/2024 14:10

Why not just be yourself and see how it goes? They may not be quite as prim as you think once they relax around you. Or if it doesn't go well, maybe your friend won't put the two of you together again next time.

And as PP have said, invite them to yours next time so you get to control the guest list.

SweetBirdsong · 22/01/2024 14:17

@rainonthewindows

I would cancel. She has moved the goalposts. Some people say 'the more the merrier.' That is one phrase I fucking loathe!' No it's not 'merry' to have people there who you don't know well, and they're someone else's mates, and you have planned the night with just you and another couple - or another person.

Cancel. And tell her why. Balls to them being the hosts. YOU are the guests.

@MarIeyG · Today 13:27

...the bigger question why change your behaviour ak much? x&X are obviously not changing their behavior for you. Just because someone doesn't seem as funny as you doesn't mean you have to back down and be like them.

Exactly this. ^ Why are you changing yourself - and who you are for this other stuffy and boring couple? I wouldn't be changing anything about MYself for any fucker!

OddityOddityOdd · 22/01/2024 14:17

Maybe they ask them along to moderate your behaviour. Have you c@considered that they f@nd you & partner easier to cope with if their other friends are there? You are making judgements that it is this other couple that spoils the fun, there doesn't sound like any reflection or insight that it could be you. Anyway I think it'd be extremely rude to expect the host to change the guests. Invite them to you and decline invitations to theirs.

SweetBirdsong · 22/01/2024 14:20

LongDarkTeatime · 22/01/2024 14:05

Interesting point. I wonder if hosts find OP a little too much?

Show quote history

Well they shouldn't invite them then!

SweetBirdsong · 22/01/2024 14:22

OddityOddityOdd · 22/01/2024 14:17

Maybe they ask them along to moderate your behaviour. Have you c@considered that they f@nd you & partner easier to cope with if their other friends are there? You are making judgements that it is this other couple that spoils the fun, there doesn't sound like any reflection or insight that it could be you. Anyway I think it'd be extremely rude to expect the host to change the guests. Invite them to you and decline invitations to theirs.

Again, they shouldn't invite the OP and her partner if they are such hard work that they have to have another couple along to counterbalance them! Good grief. Confused

No-one is forcing this couple to invite the OP and her partner!

applepiesain · 22/01/2024 14:26

I say whoever hosts invites, and if you accept the invitation you do so on those terms.
If you would like to see them on their own then you have to do the inviting/ hosting. If they were to ask for the other couple to be invited then it would be perfectly fine to say you'd rather it just be you guys.

StaunchMomma · 22/01/2024 14:26

I'd be honest, I think. No need to make a big fuss, just maybe text and say 'is there any chance we can rearrange for the weekend? We were hoping to catch up with just the two of you, if that's ok?' and if pushed just say they're not your cup of tea and they put you on edge?

This is going to drag on, if you not.

hellojelly · 22/01/2024 14:36

applepiesain · 22/01/2024 14:26

I say whoever hosts invites, and if you accept the invitation you do so on those terms.
If you would like to see them on their own then you have to do the inviting/ hosting. If they were to ask for the other couple to be invited then it would be perfectly fine to say you'd rather it just be you guys.

It sounds like the OP wasn't told the hosts had even invited anyone else though, they had to hear second hand from the other guests.

redheadsaregreat · 22/01/2024 14:41

I'd just go and be yourselves if x&x don't like it then it's up to then as adults to deal with it.

Lilacanemone · 22/01/2024 15:07

If your friend is being honest about x & x looking forward to seeing you, maybe they actually don’t get offended and really enjoy your company, even if they aren’t as expressive and sweary themselves. In which case there is no need to feel uncomfortable or have to tone things down in their presence.

Hildebrandthehog · 22/01/2024 15:22

Imho it’s something you just don’t say.

Mind you, I think it’s incumbent upon the host to mention when inviting you that this other couple are coming or describe the nature of the evening …

Hi , we are having 10 people over for dinner to
celebrate Jimmy’s 60th on Saturday, would you like to join us?

Hello, Sid and Berenice are coming for shepherds pie on Friday, we’d love you to be there?

Hi, we haven’t seen you in ages, we’d love to catch on Sunday, just us, are you free for lunch?

Once you’ve accepted an invitation, you can’t really alter the terms, and you must turn up.

Edited to say: the other consideration is that hosting is expensive and people don’t have much time nowadays and the hosts may have invited two couples together for those reasons.

NewYear24 · 22/01/2024 15:28

I’d go this time and when you next get an invite say to your friends to come to your house instead so you can try out a new recipe etc and you haven’t had a catch up with just you four for ages.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/01/2024 15:45

Reply with
"Hi Ann & Bob, Thanks for the invite for drinks/food at the weekend. We are unfortunately going to have to take a rain-check on that for the moment. As we don't get on as well with Carol & Dan as you do, we'll arrange another night for just the 4 of us. Have a wonderful evening with Carol & Dan. All the best, @rainonthewindows & Mr rainonthewindows"

LookItsMeAgain · 22/01/2024 15:50

You can't hide behind the possibility that they might be offended. If they take offence, they take offence and you have no control over that.
There are ways to back out of the evening if you no longer want to go.

Best of luck to you.

AnonymousMusing · 22/01/2024 15:52

It is one of my pet hates when friends do this (invite other friends who you don't know that well because it suits them to kill two birds with one stone).

I've declined invites due to this in the past, but I have framed it as "I don't really know X &Y that well, and as you and I don't get to catch up that often, I was really looking forward to a just us catch up. If it's not too much trouble, I would prefer that we reschedule this for an evening when you don't need to double book, if that's ok?"

It makes it clear that you don't really get on with the other couple without having to explicitly say so, as you're emphasising how much you were looking forward to catching up with just the couple who you are actually friends with.