To think it’s a bit rude not to invite Dd back much

[Whendoesthetodolistend]

Dd is 5. Two doors down, she has a great friend, a boy of similar age, they get on brilliantly, go to the same school etc.
Around a year or so ago, they started playing at each other’s houses, it’s easy as they only need to be walked to each other’s houses and then left there. It’s gradually built up to more playing time. I don’t mind at all as it makes dd so happy, it’s easier than arranging play dates with my friends with kids (which we do also) and he’s a lovely boy. It’s just that it’s now nearly every weekend late afternoon and now almost 3 hours and the mum often doesn’t collect for ages and says she fell asleep. Dd often asks if she can go to their house and the mum makes excuses (have told dd not to invite herself) It’s been weeks of him coming here for hours and dd never going there (it would be nice for us to have a couple of hours break too)
Aibu to think dd should sometimes go to his? She does a bit more in summer as they have a pool and the mum plonks them in and sits by the pool. Also, Dd says when she has been over, that his mum is asleep on the sofa, there’s no chance of me sleeping when they’re playing here 🙈
Again, he’s a lovely boy, but it’s inevitably pretty noisy when they’re here, running around, mess to clean up afterwards etc

So at first your daughter went more often to them? Then you started inviting him to yours?

Maybe initially she felt like you do now and is making up for the time you didn't invite her child to yours.

@spriots No issues like that

have you asked her if she's OK?

Once you are ready for him to go home, for whatever reason or none, just take him!

I wouldn’t worry about reciprocity if your Dd enjoys it, she would be at home anyway if it wasn’t for him.

@BlindurErBóklausMaður No I invited him lots, but I think she was a bit unsure initially or is was summer and was more about him going in the pool. That was ages ago and he’s been to our house now much much more, especially recently

@Mrsjayy No? She seems fine, if I could I’d have a nap! I never can though

I didn't conclude that but it's really damn weird to have a nap when you are in charge of two five year olds.

Of course I get on with stuff while my kids are around but I can't imagine just going to sleep

I very much doubt she's 'asleep'. Probably just laying down with her eyes shut.

Maybe she's pregnant? I was constantly 'napping' while my dd played round when Pregnant. Not fully asleep.

If she works a lot and is really tired she probably doesn't have the energy to have another five year old over as it's a lot more work and they tend to get hyper when together. If she's not offering it means she doesn't want to do it so if you want them to get together you will have to be the host.

It might just be me but I never sent my four or five year olds over to anyone's house for a few hours. We did play dates with friends where I would chat with the other mums but it seems a lot of work and responsibility for someone else to look after another child. Even the parties weren't drop and run until about age 8.

If him having him around gives you permission to judge her then stop having him around, just learn to say no

@Avacardo2023 With all my other friends (Dd is friends with their dc) we arrange to meet up at the playground etc, kids play for a couple of hours, we chat. This is great, but I also started to quite like this set up as it meant we could have Dd happy and occupied and stay home/not need to go out if didn’t need to, so it’s a great set up, I’m just curious why he’s been at just ours for so long now.

Well since she doesn't pick him up on time because she oversleeps, I don't think it's clear that she isn't asleep when they are at hers

@WandaWonder What?

I wouldn't let my 5 year old be at a house where the only adult is sleeping

So it for your dc and forget what she is doing. You are not doing it for a reciprocal arrangement but because it makes your own dc happy. Definitely walk him home when it suits you though.

Could she be poorly? Hence the naps and not inviting your dd over as much. If she used to have dd over but now doesn’t then it could be that her circumstances have changed. She doesn’t sound like the typical pisstaker to me but you know her and are best placed to judge that.

I'd limit play dates to twice a week. Then, get DD enrolled in some extracurricular activities like rainbows. It's good for her to expand her circle.

If your DD is inviting him all the time, she's not being rude, but she's taking advantage of the free childcare.

Personally, I wouldn't let me kids go somewhere where the parent is sleeping because they aren't adequately supervised.

It ia rude, but…

I’m the parent of an only child. He’s kind and gentle and witty and clever and fun.

No children his age live on our road.

His classmates mostly live far away and do activities every weekend.

I would pay thousands of pounds for what you have, genuinely. A playmate on the same road 😍😍 you are SO lucky.

The mum may be rude, but focus on appreciating what you’ve got and not offending her. What you have is rare. My child plays alone every evening and almost every weekend and it is heartbreaking.

@Ellysetta Aww 😔yes I do really really appreciate it, which is why I’m happy for him to come whenever he can. I was just wondering why he’s always at ours nowadays

There could be a lot of reasons. She may be sleep deprived, depressed, ill, pregnant, and it’s easier if her son is with you. It’s a bit cheeky but if you haven’t said anything she may think you are ok with it.

It could even be that her son prefers it at yours and thats probably because you’re more actively engaged with them.

I had an only child and her best friend was an only child that lived with her dad. I don’t think the dad was as child centred as many mums are, so she spent most times with us.

I wouldn’t forgo your DDs other friends and I’d suggest keep these going as well.

Also you could invite this neighbour for a casual coffee. Perhaps if you get to know her better it will make sense why the relationship is so one sided. I personally wouldn’t ask straight out.

I think with an only child you just have to accept being the one who does most ‘turns’ and lifts to keep your child happy.

There will 100% be a reason why she doesn't have your DD over. I suspect either her house is a mess and she's ashamed, or maybe she has a partner who isn't very nice/accommodating. The fact your DD says she's sleeping on the sofa when they're over is odd, perhaps she's unwell or has other issues going on? Or she's just like me and hates other people's kids in her house 😂. I avoid it as much as possible, and I'm selective about who I invite around lol

@ChangeAgain2 She has a wide circle of friends, goes to activities, she’s v sociable, even if we’ve been to an activity in the morning, play date or playground (she ends up making new friends) she’ll then want to play with him if she sees him, again it’s great, but just curious why she’s rarely there these days.
She also has a friend over the back from her school, well the grandma lives there and this friend visits on a Sunday, she inevitably ends up at our house, they’re all at our house 🙈

@HalloumiGeller I don’t suppose kids notice/care about the state of others houses though? I’ve been in her garden, seen in the house a bit and it’s lovely. Her Dh is nice but he works a lot and is rarely there from what I’ve seen

I just thought we were both onto a good thing 😂one day he comes to ours for a couple of hours and she gets a break as then vice versa. We have no family around, so Dh and I couldn’t believe we got two hours of quiet at home, but felt happy as we can see and hear them playing from our house