I don’t like my daughter’s homemade tattoos

[strugglingsingle]

My DD (19) has a substantial amount of small tattoos that she has been collecting over the past SEVEN YEARS. Before you slate me for being a bad mother, I have NEVER taken her to a tattoo shop, nor have I taken her to any backalley hooligan tattoo artists who work on underage children. Instead, DD has been doing these tattoos herself using sewing needles and pen ink without my knowledge (for first few years) or permission.

I am not against tattoos in general on 18/19 year olds, but since DD did these herself, they are awful. Not to insult her, but she has zero artistic skill which has left her with illustrations similar to what a toddler might scribble on the wall. I am of course exaggerating but these are not professional level tattoos by any means and I fear that she will regret having them permanently on her body VERY SOON.

I expressed this fear to her this afternoon and the conversation ended in a screaming match. I was only trying to persuade her into ending this little hobby but she told me she had no plans in doing that as she is just trying to express herself creatively and has no funds to spend on professional. AIBU?

(PS. When DH and I first discovered these tattoos, we took her to GP and asked about potential ink poisoning. GP said she was fine but never to tattoo herself again, which obviously she didn’t listen to.)

Ask for one yourself. Show it to all your friends proudly.

A) She can get them removed completely, especially if they are small and not done to professional depth. It's not cheap but professional medispas and clinics which use Switched lasers, VersaPulse C or a ConBio laser, give the best result. IPL lasers have a high chance of burning and scarring. Only use drs/centers which have specialized lasers for tattoo removal.

B) A larger professional tattoo will be harder and more expensive to remove.

C) She needs to be extremely hygienic if she is sticking needles in her arm, the needle should be sterilized and the arm disinfected before she proceeds. She should also use a new sterilized needle each time and then bin it after.

You have given her your opinion on it and it seems like unfortunately it seems like there is nothing more that you can do.

I would be very blunt and tell her that they are down right ugly

If she hasn't already acknowledged for herself that her tattoos are awful, she'll never admit it to her parents.

If you raise the subject, she will just get more invested in defending her decisions. Like a girl going out with an awful boyfriend, just because her parents hate him.

Never mention it again, but secretly budget for tattoo removal.

I have homemade wee inky dinks hidden on my legs, arms, feet and I started doing them in primary school and they're barely visible now, I look back and wonder why the fuck I did it, I'm in my 30s now and my mum still doesn't know 🤦🏼‍♀️

The thing is, she may actually love them, to her they may represent certain things etc and just because you don't like them doesn't mean she doesn't. I hate mine now, but at the time I loved mine. If my parents would have noticed them they'd have flipped about it and I think I'd have been more inclined to give myself more then.

What a strange choice of username for a person with a husband

Your 12 year old never has any time when she is alone? At friends? If they want to do it, they'll find a way.

YANBU to dislike them, however she is an adult now and it's not up to you to police what she does with her body.

Just back off, and someday she might decide to do something about them - and if she doesn't, well it's nothing to do with you.

A friend is seeing a man whose young adult stepchild has loads of cheap tacky tattoos. The standouts are the ones on her palms though- think 'admire me' and 'notice me' in block caps, friend thinks self-done. This person has a self harm history, I hope that's not the case for your daughter.

I had one of these done from a friend and it only lasted 8 years before it had rubbed off because the ink wasn't very far in. Hers probs won't last long

This sounds like self-harming to me.

I had a few schoolmates who did this.

I’ve since learned that because it isn’t the right kind of ink, and you rarely get the depth right on a diy job, they fade far more quickly that professional tattoos and seem to be a whole lot easier to remove.

I'd be worried ot was a form of self harm as others have said, my tattoo artist started off as a form of self harm, it's quite common.

Other than that I'd leave her to it. She's 19 now , she can pay for removal or cover ups when she comes to her senses and realises how shit they are . Or she lives with them 🤷‍♀️

Yeah, you might actually be better off leaving her to her DIY tattoos.

They are easier to remove than professional ones.

Have you considered actually enrolling her on some kind of online 'tattoo for beginners' course? She wouldn't get access to any equipment but there would hopefully be a lot about hygiene and consent. And she might feel more supported generally?

haha, I have a stick and poke and I love it, the good thing is if she wanted to get them removed it would be an easy process as the ink is quite close to the top of the skin. It’s her body, she may regret it in the future but not a right lot you can do

If she’s really done it with a needle and pen ink they wlll fade out eventually anyway, I’d be more concerned about the self harm aspect.
my younger sister did the same thing but got a kit online with proper tattoo ink and pen, she even did one on her face. Some of them do look ok but even they will probably fade, stupid kids do stupid things there’s not much we can do to stop them unfortunately

You're focusing on the wrong thing here. The focus should be her mental health and why she is doing it. You're not going to achieve anything by telling her its wrong or it looks bad or she'll regret it. The reason she does this needs to be worked out and addressed. She needs compassion and support, not anger. She might have mental health issues that need to be addressed. It may be a maladaptive way of coping with stress, in which case she needs help to learn other strategies she can use when she's struggling. It may fulfill a need for her, then she needs other ways fo fulfill this need that don't include self harm.

No child just wakes up one day and starts tattooing themselves, there is a reason she started doing this and until that is found and addressed all you'd be doing is putting a bandaid on it and ignoring the fact its still festering beneath the surface. Even if you could get her to stop whatever is the cause of this will come out in another way which might be even more harmful for her.

I see where the concern of self harm has come from for you and other commenters, however my daughter and I are very close and do often talk about mental health and self harm. She did used to do it, as did I, but I don’t believe the tattooing is part of it. I think it came about more from the desire to rebel in a very lenient household. There isn’t much she could do to piss me off, but the tattoos very much DID!

You think your daughter who you're very close to is permanently disfiguring her body just to get a rise out of you? You said she did it for several years without your knowledge, yet its all about pissing you off. People hide mental health issues from their loved ones all their time. My friend and her family didn't realise her 16 year old neice was depressed until she killed herself. My friend was really close to her. My stbxh would say he's close to our daughter and he has NFI about her mental health. There's no way I would have decided my child's mental health was fine when they were behaving this way without having sought professional input and making sure she actually was. Being close is no guarantee they will tell you.

I think I know my daughter better than you do 😉. I’m not going to explain myself to you any more than I already have.

Peak MN exchange of 2024 so far.

Im sure you do and I hope you're right.

Could this be a cover for self harming?

My thoughts immediately.

Well she's done it all now. There's not much you or she can do about them. When she does grow up a bit maybe she'll realise what she's done to herself. I say this as someone heavily tattooed by professional artists - you pay for quality. I carefully chose all of mine, spanning years and I have an artist I fully trust. She's being ridiculous. You'd better hope at this point that she doesn't do anything to her face.