To ask MIL to stop asking if we'll have a second child ?

[Happyday122]

Dh and I have been trying for a few years now for a second child and it's looking like we won't be able to have another naturally (male factor infertility). I'm very down about it (husband is happy with one, but would be happy with two). I'm trying to come to terms with it at the moment, I'm scared of IVF and we don't really have the funds, I really didn't think I'd take it so hard, I should just be happy with one who's an absolute delight. Anyways, my MIL asks every few months in a jokey way "oh well you're not gonna have another now are you" etc. it happened again today and I burst into tears as soon as she left. AIBU to tell husband to text her and tell her to stop asking? Feeling very deflated.

You need to just tell her. People need bluntness sometimes.

(My mum has dementia and asks every time.

I have to remind her I'm divorced, 43 and with no fallopian tubes.

Then she cries and asks what happened to them. Every time I see her)

Oh, you poor thing. I'm so sorry you've to keep having this conversation!

Yep OP, your need to have your husband tell her the topic is off limited. I'm sorry you're feeling this way x

It's incredibly rude to make any comment about whether you're having any or more. It doesn't matter what the reason is, she just needs to back off. Get your husband to tell her, but also have some comments ready e. G why are you so interested in our sex life? Oh, is that an offer to top up my maternity pay and take care/ pay for all childcare?

Get your DH to tell her to stop this. I'd personally have burst into tears in front of her and say 'We've been trying for a long time - can you stop asking? It's SO insensitive'.

I don't see why you should have to put a polite face on. People don't think.

I agree that perhaps your DH could talk to her since it’s his mum. Sorry to hear she keeps asking, that’s so intrusive.

Sorry that sounds very difficult but do you need to keep telling her this information if you know it will distress her? A vague, ‘ I’m not sure, maybe in a year or two’ might be enough.

@Happyday122 this is very different and a frank, ‘well maybe not but not because it’s our choice. We’ll be sure to let you know if it happens,’ should suffice. If she persists she needs telling very firmly that this is very upsetting and you don’t want to hear it any more.

Wishing you well.

As a mother to two adult married sons, one with children, one without, I have never, nor would I ever mention the subject. Absolutely none of my business

Could have wept inconsolably on her shoulder about her DS’s infertility, think that might well be the last ever mention you’d hear.

Sorry you’re down, hopefully DH will intervene and at least you won’t need to hear the comments anymore.

I know it's a highly personal matter (I've been through it myself) but in your position, I would just be honest with her and then tell her it's not up for discussion.

Thank you so much. I think I will ask him to do that!

Your DH needs to tell his mum that he is suffering with infertility, not you. Hopefully she'll back off once she finds out her son is suffering (and then leave you alone).

Just tell her that her darling son is infertile, so probably not

This - I’ve been there, but we had problems conceiving DC1 as well , so they’d learned not to ask.

But if I was you I would definitely give her tears at the time and run upstairs. Leave DH to explain.

I agree that people just don’t think - but if they are left feeling very awkward it tends to be quite a powerful lesson.

I basically told my dm it was none of her damned business when she kept asking and that it was far too personal. It felt like she basically wanted to know when we’d had sex! Get your Dh to shut her down.

So sorry to hear that, that sounds incredibly tough. Sending a hug!

Thank you all so far for your messages. It took a long time to conceive our first as well, and I had some issues with ovulation too so we first thought it was me so I don't want to blame my DH. I think I might get him to text his mum and hopefully I will get over it in time.

@LividName really sorry to hear this, it sounds incredibly tough!

I wanted a second child (maybe even a third), desperately. But 10+ years later I've come to terms with it. I got pregnant the 2nd month of trying with our first. Unexplained secondary infertility was our diagnosis.
At first I was very polite and tried not to make the asker embarrassed. After a few years I became very, very honest. To anyone who asked. And I mean anyone. Friends, family, colleagues, random people I met. If you ask a personal question like that, you better be prepared for the personal answer.
"We've tried for years, it's a very sad subject for us. It's very hurtful."
"Please don't ask people this, in our case we haven't been successful in adding to our family."
"We have unexplained secondary infertility. It's not uncommon."
It's caused people to be embarrassed and uncomfortable but that's not my problem. I hope its made them think twice about asking someone else.
As for a Mother In Law. Say something before you become resentful. Just be honest. I would suggest a call or to her face, text message can come off wrong. You can be very polite if you like. "I know you don't mean to hurt our feelings, but we've actually been finding it difficult to conceive another child. We would appreciate if you didn't bring it up again. If we are ever lucky enough, rest assured you'll be among the first to know."
I'm so sorry you are suffering, its a different longing. People will say "At least you've got one." And yes, they are right, it's a blessing, but when you literally cannot avoid babies and pregnant women and children and their siblings it's tough. It's become easier as my friendship group finished up having children.
My only child is a bloody delight and they have expressed joy in being an only now. We can let them do whatever hobbies they like, we're never outnumbered and life is easier. Their friends like our house as its calm and quiet compared to theirs.
I do hope you get your second, but there's lots of lovely pluses to an only child.

When we had trouble conceiving our first we ended up going with some variation on: "We'd like that but don't know if it will happen, so will just need to wait and see". Hopefully answers the question without making it too awkward, and without a need for further discussion.

@Chickfilay, this is great advice & well done on challenging people with your answers. Like you say, ask a personal question then be prepared for a personal response!

As per PP, please don’t do this to her. Yes, it’s annoying for you but it’s a terrible pain to your mum each and every time she hears it, it’s as if it’s the first time. Over and over. As PP says, just distract or say something vague like ‘maybe in the future, now what about a cuppa.’

@Chickfilay Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. And the positive about an only child, that all sounds amazing and so true. You're so right, it's tough seeing all your friends getting pregnant again without any issues. But I'm so grateful to have my little one and feel I couldn't jeopardize our lovely life with IVF. It's just that it feels sometimes people think that one child is never enough.
Wishing you all the best!

A potential problem with being totally honest with your MiL, and this depends on her character, is that she may turn herself into the wounded party.

I've read several shocking stories here from women in similar situations to you, OP. Maybe they have 1 child or maybe none, and the MiL brings this issue up, sometimes in public. When she's told the harsh truth she whines on about how embarrassed she was and awful she felt, being spoken to like that in front of all those people ... yada yada ... One was even demanding an apology from her DiL (or whatever) for it!

Your MiL needs telling, but be aware it could backfire.

I never ask anyone, my daughters included, about anything personal like that. And I'm always surprised when any of my friends ask if they have boyfriends or do they want children. I don't know half the time! Really not my business.

Just cry in front of her. Let your DH explain.