To ask MIL to stop asking if we'll have a second child ?

[Happyday122]

Dh and I have been trying for a few years now for a second child and it's looking like we won't be able to have another naturally (male factor infertility). I'm very down about it (husband is happy with one, but would be happy with two). I'm trying to come to terms with it at the moment, I'm scared of IVF and we don't really have the funds, I really didn't think I'd take it so hard, I should just be happy with one who's an absolute delight. Anyways, my MIL asks every few months in a jokey way "oh well you're not gonna have another now are you" etc. it happened again today and I burst into tears as soon as she left. AIBU to tell husband to text her and tell her to stop asking? Feeling very deflated.

@Josette77 my thoughts exactly, thank you for this. I don't see how it changes anything- the first time round, it was me who had issues that had to be treated first. My husband probably had the issue back then too, but we got pregnant anyways. And the exact reasons are sometimes hard to establish anyways. I would have been irritated to say the least if he would have told people the exact reason why we can't conceive back then!

MY MIL didn’t even wait for the birth of our first child! When we told her I was pregnant at 39 her immediate reply was — wait for it — to chirp ‘An only is a lonely!’

I exercised great tact and forebore to point out that she and her husband had had four children they could barely feed by the time they were 23, and that I didn’t actually think this was a good thing.

I'm confused by your comment because that's totally different to Op's situation. Your gynae health is nothing to do with your ex. Op's husband is infertile and his mum keeps upsetting OP. I suggested that the husband speaks to his own mother about his infertility so she stops hounding Op.

Edit: I felt comfortable discussing my fertility issues with my mum but it depends on the husband's relationship with his mum. I didn't tell 'everyone' as mum kept this info to herself. My DP didn't tell anyone either. OP's DH needs to shut Mil's questions down and she may stop once she knows her son is suffering with infertility.

DH can talk to his mum and explain they are struggling with infertility. End of discussion. No need to ask about future children.

The medical information is unnecessary. No one is to blame.

If OP was infertile (which she previously was) why would that change things with her mil? Would she then be allowed to keep asking?

@Urcheon oh my goodness, that is unbelievably rude of your MIL- I'm loving your reply to her though!! Re her comment - Before I had a child myself I've never realised how bitchy people are about only children. So many of my DS' classmates are onlies too and an absolute delight and really outgoing so I think all these stereotypes are rubbish anyways!

You're making out that I'm suggesting that the husband tells everyone that he's infertile! I said his own mum, not his in laws or friends or colleagues. Some people (like myself) felt comfortable discussing my fertility issues with my own mother. Maybe OP's husband will too.

If Mil knows it's male factor infertility then she's less likely to keep asking OP. She can just talk to her son.

I hate seeing ‘people don’t think’ used as an excuse for people asking nosy personal questions.
DH and I decided not to speak to either of our families about the infertility which we were both ‘to blame’ for but like OP there were times when it could have been all down to one or the other of us.

I actually remember a work colleague talking about how his daughter couldn’t have children and it was her husband’s fault (in a very disparaging way) and thought it was unnecessary detail. There is still stigma and shame attached to infertility/ subfertility.

I take issue with your statement about blame. No one is to blame. It doesn't matter and his mom doesn't need to know either. Once he tells her they are dealing with infertility she doesn't need to keep asking questions.

If you yourself have had infertility issues you must realize that there is a lot of guilt involved and that we usually blame ourselves as it is.

Don't remind her if it upsets her. There's no point and it's cruel. Just go along with her and say maybe soon wink wink. She'll have forgotten anyway by next time you see her.

Your MIL does not need to know who or why; the only thing she needs to know is that is none of her business. But I think you should both sit down and have a conversation with her about boundaries; just because it's your DPs mother and he is sub-fertile doesn't mean he should carry the burden of telling her to back off himself

I think you need to be direct with her. Either tell her you are struggling with infertility or simply look her in the eye and say "please don't keep asking me it's rude and intrusive". I have done this with my mil who was constantly going on a out more kids. She never mentioned it again. Funnily enough her other child has 3 and that's too many and she keeps moaning about that!

People who ask these things are socially inept so don't feel bad about setting them straight. They need to learn otherwise they will end up damaging their relationships which isn't in anyone's interests.

This. I get you don't want to share personal stuff, but sometimes it's the easiest answer.

Just a simple

"Just stop. We're not, we tried, we failed, we're not ok, we're not discussing it. Just stop."

Thank you so much everyone. I feel a lot better reading your replies! And knowing that I'm not alone with this issue.

DH has called MIL this morning (he initially wanted to talk to her face to face, but we won't see her for a while now) and just said that we've been trying and it's a sensitive subject and upsetting me, and asked her not to to bring it up again. She was, apparently, very apologetic.

It's typical of her as she's not he most tactful person in general. I've vowed to myself that in future I'll be a lot more direct to people and should she ever ask again (which I doubt she will) I'll tell her in no uncertain terms to stuff it.

No. I wouldn't do this to my husband, or to myself if it came to that (I don't ovulate and we had our one and only child by IVF). That is very personal information and you should never feel under pressure to divulge it to anyone.

The fact that MiL is putting you under such pressure would make me disinclined to share any details with her whatsoever. It's an intrusive question and she has no business asking: putting you on the spot IMO does the opposite of entitling her to intimate information about you.

Nor would I be unnecessarily rude, asking her why she has such a prurient interest in her son's sex life, for example. Just politely request that she stop asking.

I'm sorry you are in this predicament, OP. We were, too. We both very much wanted a second child, particularly as we don't have much in the way of extended family which is unfortunate for the child we have. In the end, because of my multiple miscarriages we came to the point where our prospects were unrealistic and it was too painful to carry on.

We have a really lovely, happy life as a family of three. Ignore any intrusive comments over the size of your family: that is really nobody else's business. 🌺

I’m sorry OP. This is such a hard road and I’ve been down it as well. I went through a phase of bursting into tears whenever my pet played with his sibling. The pain does eventually get less raw. At a low point I snapped and ended up shouting at a class mum who kept asking me when I was going to have another one. Shame we were at a party really 👀 but with rude people like this I do actually recommend embracing the rage, it helps with the pain.

(That said if the issue had been male factor I’d have had a sperm donor in a heartbeat 😬 Be aware that as he is the issue, you could have IUI not full IVF. Anyway…)

Your MIL is a horrible person with zero empathy and someone needs to tell her that she is being awful. Ideally DH but if he’s too weak to shut her up (and sons of women like that are often bad at standing up to the mum) then send her a letter saying that her son is unable to have more children and her constant comments about it are upsetting and can she please stop and never mention the issue to either of you again.

@Ellysetta Thank you for your kind reply. I'm reluctant to do IUI for the reason that the success rate is so low (10% per try in my age bracket) and I am not keen to have a donor. I also kind of want to enjoy the child I have without the heartache of further treatments etc so I am trying to come to terms with it all. Thank you though x

@SerafinasGoose , Thank you so much for your kind reply. I fully agree with you. DH has called MIL and simply asked her not to bring it up again and I think that's a good course of action. I think often people who have never experienced infertility for themselves have no idea how much hurt their words can cause.

Congratulations on your child, and I am sorry that the road was such a tough one for you! I am glad to hear that you are a happy family of 3 now. We are too, our little one is such a delight. I would just love another one, but really feel that I cannot possibly spend all the money on trying for a second as I would be taking it away from the family I already have!

Sending 🌷🌼to you!

The best would be if your husband had a few strong words with his mother. If this fails, you could try what a friend of mine did when repeatedly asked by her aunt "when are you having a child?" - she looked at the aunt seriously and replied: "after your funeral". The matter was never raised again

I used to say, yes would like to, but don't have a crystal ball so can't tell you whether it will happen. Even then people still didn't seem to get what I was saying - people are dense sometimes. I agree with PP who said about bluntness.

Tell your DS to speak to his mum, let her know that he is firing mostly blanks, so if she'd like another grandchild then perhaps she has a spare £XXXX for IVF treatment...

That'll certainly shut her up!

Op I have an only DS, now 11. I've always felt the guilt, and heartbreak, of just one on and off. It hurts when a friend gets pregnant again, but just in that moment.

In general we are a happy family of 3 (minus massive tween drama!) it's a lot more affordable, his vocabulary was leaps and bounds ahead of anyone at a young age and still now, no sibling fights, no rushing between multiple kids classes in the eves, cheaper holidays. so many benefits!

I completely get the heartbreak though so sending support and hope you're ok.

(Ps: our reason was ill health, and a late miscarriage, rather than infertility, but it doesn't make any difference to the pain)

I'm a gobshite, but I'd just reply, "when are you having another?"

I like being contrarian but it might be a blunt slap in her face to see wtf she's just said to you