To ask MIL to stop asking if we'll have a second child ?

[Happyday122]

Dh and I have been trying for a few years now for a second child and it's looking like we won't be able to have another naturally (male factor infertility). I'm very down about it (husband is happy with one, but would be happy with two). I'm trying to come to terms with it at the moment, I'm scared of IVF and we don't really have the funds, I really didn't think I'd take it so hard, I should just be happy with one who's an absolute delight. Anyways, my MIL asks every few months in a jokey way "oh well you're not gonna have another now are you" etc. it happened again today and I burst into tears as soon as she left. AIBU to tell husband to text her and tell her to stop asking? Feeling very deflated.

Super insensitive and rude of her (or anyone!) to badger you or make comments about this.

Slightly different but my MIL started putting pressure on me to have another child within a couple of weeks of me giving birth to my first - I was still shell shocked from a difficult birth, bleeding, sleep deprived and a mess of PPA. She also makes annoying comments like "SHHHH don't ask her, you might put her off!" when other people mention the topic, which is incredibly hypocritical and pisses me right off. I'd had a previous loss and am not getting any younger so I don't know if it will happen for us.

Literally nobody except you or your partner have any business whatsoever discussing your family planning, especially given that you've had difficulties. I'd get your husband to message her and tell her to back off.

This should be on DH, either to tell her the reason or to tell her to button it. Why hasn't he spoken up already when he knows how much it upsets you?

Tell your DH to call her (not text her) and tell her to stop asking. Tell her the stress is affecting you and that won't help your conceive

Tell her. The moment I told family I could relax. I feel blessed and lucky with one but would have loved two but don't want to miss a minute with the one I had but wishing something I not got. I totally understand op. Tell mil. She understand. They care about you.

Much sympathy from me.

I made the mistake of telling DM we were TTC. Every single phone call after that she would ask me in an intensely irritating twee way if I had anything to tell her. When told 'no' she would then try to work out which of us was at 'fault' with a lot of prying questions.

I have now added this to the list of things I do differently as a parent (we were fortunate in the end).

@Happyday122 IVF was never an option for us either tbh. We couldn't justify spending that money on something that might not work when it could be spent on our kid we had. Plus the side effects!
It's OK to be really sad about it all. I still sometimes need to breathe in really deep when I'm blindsided by a pregnancy announcement. I let myself feel that wave of sorrow then shake it off.
People can say awful things about only children. But then they say awful things if you have more than 2 children too sometimes... people just say awful things!

Like this!

I think ideally your DH needs to tell the truth, that you’ve been trying but looks possible it won’t happen. And therefore she needs to stop asking. Fertility (and miscarriage) should really be discussed much more in our society.

I think your dh should speak to his mum face to face and tell her the truth otherwise she’ll keep asking. She needs to hear it from him. News like this is too big for a text.

My eldest dd and her husband have both got fertility issues, they sound the same as yours OP. IVF didn’t work, it was so traumatic for my dd she couldn’t go through it again. The family on both sides have known right from the beginning and know how hard it is for them. I’ve needed Teflon shoulders the amount of times dd has cried on them over other people asking why no kids yet. I’ve advised her to tell them out right. Don’t worry about upsetting them.

Having a similar difficulty. She just doesn't realise.
What are you going to put in the text?

I'm surprised to read a few have suggested my husband telling her that the problem lies with him. Is that really necessary? I'm just wondering if it really makes a difference who's more or less "fertile" if that makes sense....

@holycrabsticks not sure yet! My husband and me are still thinking about it. I'll let you know what we said once it's written!
Many have said it should be a face to face conversation but DH and Mil don't have that kind of relationship to talk so frankly (although they get on well)

Why not explain the situation to her? If she carries on after that then go in all guns blazing.

@Chickfilay 100% this! I cannot justify spending money on something that's likely not going to work when I could spend it on the beautiful family we already have. And so true, it's like unless you have the exact number of 2 children, people always have an opinion!

I would smile and say “we are very blessed with our dd/ds, aren’t we? So we’re not talking about this”
end of chat. Don’t entertain it, just shut it down . You may not have a second but you are so blessed with your first. Some people are not so lucky - grandmother needs to remember this.

This is a truly difficult situation, OP. I went through 5 years of infertility and was constantly badgered by people about when I was going to have a baby. Each time this “innocent” question was asked it was like they were twisting the knife. Awful situation!

I realise everyone will have a different view on this, but what I eventually did after a couple of years of polite answers was to simply tell them straight: we can’t have children despite wanting them desperately.

Nobody should have to explain this to anyone, it is exceptionally personal. For me, it was just one question too many. One more day/night of crying and being sad at the reminder of our infertility that I couldn’t take. So I just started telling people the truth and they stopped making me feel shit about it (even though that was never intended on their part).

Do what feels right for you, if you share you can decide how much to share and set your boundary clearly. Don’t feel that you should keep being polite to save others any discomfort or a potentially awkward conversation. Your suffering matters more than the comfort of the person asking these intrusive questions.

You know what’s best for your situation but I probably would tell her exactly what’s up because since she’s insensitive enough to say the crap she’s already saying, she may make ‘helpful’/‘sympathetic’ comments about infertility. Nip that in the bud.

@LividName -- really sorry you're going through this, it is recommended by experts that you do not answer people with dementia in this brutally honest way. Distraction is best and kinder to your mum.

However OP in this particular circumstance I do think it might be best to be straightforward or even potentially to let your MIL know that she's hurt your feelings as it's totally out of order.

@mamacorn1 very true! I like this approach a lot. Thank you for this!

@PopcornBandit , thanks so much for your reply. Wishing you all the best!!

Because when she realises this is due to her son then she'll probably back down. Too often the blame is on the woman.

Ah Jean, I think it's probably easier for all if you know that DH and I have been trying for a few years now for a second child and it's looking like we won't be able to have another naturally due to male factor infertility. Now would you like another cuppa before we go out for that walk?

You need to kill this dead, this should do the trick. Don't be saving everyone elses feelings but your own, ever.

@BlueFlint , wow that is incredibly insensitive from your MIL and especially as she started asking when your first was only a few weeks old?! I wish you every success and happiness!

I honestly think people who have never been through infertility can understand!

Why should anyone take the blame?

I'm infertile because I have a disease. I would have been horrified if my ex let everyone know I was to " blame".