To be this upset?

[Sobersally]

For context DP and I have been together for 8 years, we have always spoken about having a big family and that we would love to have two DC close together.

We had our first DC a year ago and recently fell pregnant (unplanned) which sadly ended in MC. Since then I have spoken lots to DP about plans to have another baby, we decided to wait until DC1 is a bit older before trying for DC2.

Yesterday my DP approached me and explained that he does not want to have anymore DC. He finds it challenging being a parent and whilst he loves our DC he does not want to have anymore children and does not see this changing. He wants to put all of his time and effort into giving DC the best life he can and really does not want to have any more DC for his own emotional health and the lifestyle he wants us to have with our DC.

I know that this is completely up to DP, I cant force him to change his mind and wouldn’t put him in a position that he is not comfortable with. I know that people can have ideas about having children and that this can change after the experience of having one but AIBU that this has absolutely floored me? I cannot stop crying I feel so emotional and devastated that the plans and ideas I had for the future are completely changed. The recent MC was difficult but helped knowing we would try for another DC over the next year. I feel completely caught off guard and whilst I know that I am blessed to have DC1 I never imagined they would be my only baby.

Has anyone been in this position? And how did you overcome it in your relationship without upset and feelings of resentment?

YANBU - it is ok to be so upset over this
YABU - pull yourself together and be thankful for having one healthy and happy DC

I haven't voted because I think it's OK for him to have these feelings, but also OK for you to be upset.
Could it be that the MC has shaken him up and he doesn't want to see you going through that again?
Would he agree to revisit this conversation in a particular time frame? I.e. talk again in a year?

I can understand your devastation. He’s moved the goalposts. His reasons are valid, but it must feel like a betrayal. How old are you?

It's ok, and natural to be upset, the future you envisaged had just changed drastically. But I have a lot of respect for your husband with regard to his honesty and being open about his feelings, he sounds likes he's making a sensible decision. Just give yourself time to adjust to this news.

If your first DC is only a year old, he might change his mind. When my first one was that age the thought of having another filled me with horror, but now I've got 3! I just needed time so the age gaps are a few years.

But of course he might not change his mind and you wouldn't be unreasonable to be upset about that.

OP this is so difficult, for both of you. I don’t have much advice but both of your feelings are valid and I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope you’re able to find an outcome that everyone is at peace with

I totally get why you feel the way you do. I’d be devastated too. A miscarriage is such a hard time. I had one in between my kids and knowing that I would be trying again did ease the pain of it.

I don’t really have any advice ☹️

If course he has the right to change his mind, but he has to see that this will have a huge, devastating impact on you.

Of course you are upset, anyone would be. It's an awful situation to be in.

We are both 34, soon to be 35

@historygeek I said maybe we should discuss it again in a few months time but he said he doesn’t see why as nothing will change. It is possible that the MC has shaken him so I am hopeful that maybe we can revisit at a later date

Edited to add that while I’m hopeful we can revisit, I equally don’t want to pressure him into changing his mind. It feel such a sensitive situation for us both and I am so emotional. Maybe in a few days time I can talk to him less emotionally and just explain why I am so upset and my feelings around it so that he can understand why I am struggling.

Aw I'm sorry. I think you should have another talk with your husband. Not to convince him but to let him know that you are really going to struggle with this and you're not sure what that's going to look like yet. Just so he's aware that he might see some anger or resentment from you while you're trying to come to terms with this. He will need to show a bit of sensitivity if he doesn't want you to grow to hate him.

The unspoken option is you end the relationship and pursue having another child either through a donor or a new relationship. Only you can say how strongly you feel about it. It wouldn’t be wrong to feel like that just as it’s not wrong of him to feel the way he does.

The first year of being a parent is hard and often pretty unrewarding, small babies take up all your energy and time and don’t give a lot in return, the idea of doing it all over again back to back can be really unappealing. I’d shelve the conversation for now and revisit at the end of the year. Once DC is older and an actual person many men discover they actually enjoy being dads and more open to more DC.

He’s been clear how he feels right now so I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by bringing it up again in a few days. He won’t have changed his mind by then and you won’t have anything majorly different to add to what’s already been said.

He's changed the goalposts.

At least he has been honest instead of putting it off and putting it off with vague promises until it’s too late.

So what?

As he’s more than entitled to do. As any of us are. He’s explained it clearly and fairly. It might suck for the OP, but that’s the end of it. No more kids.

As any of us are allowed to do.

No more kids for him. OP is entitled to leave and seek another relationship and have another child if she so wishes.

No more kids - for him. OP doesn’t have to accept it means no more kids for her.

I’d really struggle to get past this. Not his decision, but the unilateral changing of plans that were made together for a shared future. He’s entitled to change his mind, but has to accept that it’s a fundamental change in your relationship, and it might mean the end. It would for me.

Is it ok for husbands to break up their families as well if he wants more kids and his wife doesn’t?

Empathy here, the rugs been pulled from under your feet. Especially hard after a MC. He may well change his mind. But he may not.

Has he mentioned contraception, I'd put the ball in his court on that one,

OP I understand how this must have floored you. He was very honest about not wanting more DCs and his reasons for that, but did he in any way recognise the impact of that on you? Or did he present it as a done deal and leave you to cope with your feelings on your own, basically saying that's how it is get over it?

If he's not prepared to work together on this then he's not being fair. What's your relationship like generally?

Thanks, Captain Obvious!

How long have you been married? Is money very tight? I feel like there is more to this decision.. if money is tight and you don't own a home and you are not married then maybe it does make sense to just have 1.

I would sit down with him again, say that you are struggling with his decision, but that you would like to keep the door open in case he changes his mind.

But having said that, the other conversation might be, that you are struggling with the decision and while you want to give it time, you do want another baby, on something so fundamental, the only way that is possible is by leaving.

However, I always feel the 2nd conversation feels like a form of emotional blackmail, so it might be worth, keeping it mind and seeing how you feel in 6 months time and if you really cant get over the fact of having another child, then you might want to consider whether another child is worth leaving your relationship over. Only you can really answer that, but this is such a big decision, that someone is always going to feel resentful over and it will be your decision as to whether you can live with that.

No he hasn't. They didn't have the hindsight of what life would be like with a real live child when they previously 'talked' about having a big family. Now that he does have that insight he realises it's not as easy as he thought it was going to be and has the intelligence to admit that he struggles with just one child. That isn't moving goal posts. It's using your brain according to gained life experience. Probably all a bit above your level of understanding to be fair 😉