To be this upset?

[Sobersally]

For context DP and I have been together for 8 years, we have always spoken about having a big family and that we would love to have two DC close together.

We had our first DC a year ago and recently fell pregnant (unplanned) which sadly ended in MC. Since then I have spoken lots to DP about plans to have another baby, we decided to wait until DC1 is a bit older before trying for DC2.

Yesterday my DP approached me and explained that he does not want to have anymore DC. He finds it challenging being a parent and whilst he loves our DC he does not want to have anymore children and does not see this changing. He wants to put all of his time and effort into giving DC the best life he can and really does not want to have any more DC for his own emotional health and the lifestyle he wants us to have with our DC.

I know that this is completely up to DP, I cant force him to change his mind and wouldn’t put him in a position that he is not comfortable with. I know that people can have ideas about having children and that this can change after the experience of having one but AIBU that this has absolutely floored me? I cannot stop crying I feel so emotional and devastated that the plans and ideas I had for the future are completely changed. The recent MC was difficult but helped knowing we would try for another DC over the next year. I feel completely caught off guard and whilst I know that I am blessed to have DC1 I never imagined they would be my only baby.

Has anyone been in this position? And how did you overcome it in your relationship without upset and feelings of resentment?

YANBU - it is ok to be so upset over this
YABU - pull yourself together and be thankful for having one healthy and happy DC

He hasn't "moved the goalposts ". He's changed his mind based on experience, which he is completely entitled to do. OP is free to find someone else to father and pay for the large family she desires.

There were no 'goal posts'. Talking about ideals of what you would like to achieve doesn't mean you are entering into a legally binding contract.

That's true, he's entitled to change his mind. But he has to understand that his wife may also make choices based on this new information.

Someone asked it's ok for a man to break up a family if he wants more kids and his spouse doesn't. Yes, it is. Having a child is a big decision and sometimes it can become a dealbreaker.

Two children constitutes a large family?

And I missed the bit where op said her husband was the sole breadwinner…

Jesus why are people so needlessly unpleasant?

Of course it is. No one has to stay in a marriage which isn’t meeting their needs.

Yes, I’m sure that would go down just great on here.

”you’re not giving me more kids? I’m off then.

would be well received.

Yes it is really. Anyone can leave any relationship if they want to, for whatever reason they want.

Tough one! I'd be equally devastated!

For me if I wanted another child this would be relationship over.

I mean it wouldn't guarantee I'd meet someone else and have another child but it would give me hope.

If you accept his decision then I'd be wanting him to have the snip!

Neither of you are being unreasonable. He's entitled to change his mind, and it's sensible he's talking to you about it rather than stringing you along with false promises.

Can you agree to discuss again in 6 months to a year? If he says he doesn't see the point tell him you are struggling and need time to wrap your head round it to discuss the future calmly. He should be willing to do that for you even if he doesn't see his position changing.

Only you can decide if this ends up being a dealbreaker long term, but I wouldn't make any rash decisions either way.

I also have not voted because it’s really not that simple . You can certainly be upset but he’s only being honest , we can all say we would like multiple children before we have them and then discover that the reality is that 1 is enough . Your choice now is whether you want more children more than you want your husband and only you can decide that .

Really? With no judgment?

You do the mature thing and agree wholeheartedly then make sure you have sex during ovulation 🤣. Seriously unless he is prepared to get a vasectomy then anything’s possible in the future. He might even change his mind ♥️

Wow.

OP, I’ve not been where you are because my DH hadn’t agreed to more than one child — he already had 2 DCs from his first marriage — but equally I didn’t realise until I had my own DC how much I wanted a second. We didn’t have a second child and it hurt for a while (I even considered splitting up with my DH at one point & going down the sperm donor/IVF/single parent route), but I’m reconciled to it now, & so very grateful for my one DD (and step DCs). I can’t promise it will be the same for you but wanted to a, offer a (sort of!) positive story, and, b, say how very grounded you sound about this. I’m not surprised you’ve had such an emotional reaction to his news — it’s a huge, huge thing. I think it’s good your DH has been honest with you, and I think you should be honest with him too, and explain how you’re feeling. As other posters have said, he might change his mind down the line — it is still early days — but he might not, of course, but the one thing that will definitely make it worse is not being honest with each other/storing up resentment. I hope you’re okay. Xx

I really don’t want to give false hope, but my DH was similar until our DC was 3-ish, then said he was ready for another. Before then he was very much of the ‘not sure about another’ and ‘I think I’m ok at one’ mindset. We MC that one, but had another when DC1 was 5 and at school, so the gap has worked out well. No double childcare costs and mat leave with only one at home.

Me too

@Westernesse

With no judgement

I can completely understand why you are upset, however he is entitled to change his mind as kids are HARD, and quite often we don't understand quite how hard its going to be until we're in the midst of parenthood.

I got with my partner when I already had 2 children, he has none. I was incredibly honest from the start that I wasn't sure I wanted more kids, and he accepted that. He said that he didn't get with me for what he can get out of me, but to be with me. As a happy relationship with no children is better than a bad one with kids.

Sometimes life doesn't always go as we planned.

It's OK to be upset, just as it's OK for him to not want more children

Well done to him on telling you how he is feeling

I guess you need to decide if this changes how you proceed in your relationship

Wow. I hope he insists on condoms then!

Wouldn't that remove the option suggested by another poster that the OP pretends to "accidentally " get pregnant?

Maybe leave the conversation for a year or two? How old are you? My DH saw me have a miscarriage at 10 weeks and it really worried him. He thought he was going to have to call an ambulance as he thought I had a fit. However a year later he is open to another baby. Miscarriage can really have an effect on men too.

Please ignore the poster who said to "accidentally" get pregnant. To do this deliberately would be manipulative and abusive.

If a woman didn't want children and her male partner did want children and he lied and told her he had had a vasectomy in order to deliberately get her pregnant we would all be up in arms - and rightly so. This is no different.

I think you have a bit of time here to make sure he’s not just struggling with the reality of a 1 year old and the aftermath of your miscarriage. Everyone is perfectly entitled to plan whatever age gaps you wish but 2 under 2 is particularly tricky for many families. A lot of my friends were happy with 1 when they had a toddler who was hard work, without the joys of a 2 or 3 year olds. Suddenly when oldest was walking, talking and potty training another baby was on the cards again. Give it a few weeks and bring it up again in a nice calm environment - ask him how he is getting on with parenting, what can you do as a team to make him feel more confident?

OP I had a similar conversation with my DH after we had our first DC, I was sure I didn’t want children at all before that.

Fast forward we now have 2 DC and I wish we had had three.

Give him some time.