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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want DD to play by herself

73 replies

antiq · 21/01/2024 10:54

DD is coming up to 24 months, in the past she's largely entertained herself but she's becoming increasingly clingy and wants us to sit with her and play, which I often do as I'm SAH, but doing it all the time isn't practical. If I try to do something else she'll most likely whine and whine until I stop.

Toy rotation has helped a little bit, but it's a very temporary solution - ten new things in her box will keep her occupied for perhaps an hour. Two new things, five minutes?! I'm trying not to rotate too often as I don't want to encourage ADHD-type tendencies (which is a risk anyway), so limiting to once a week.

Visiting people/children or having someone over to play with her (children or adults) always works, she's very sociable. Likewise going to toddler groups etc, she's great. But a big part of the time I need to be at home and need to cook, wash, make some calls etc.

Shouldn't she able to occupy herself and be happy at this age?

Part of me is wondering if she's growing out of her toys, there's been little thought or strategy to her toys, she's had a lot of them at least 6-12 months, and most have been gifts. Any recommendations for toys that keep seemingly intelligent toddlers occupied? Preferably stuff that will calm rather than overstimulate, and for my sake with no sirens etc.

Or am I being unreasonable? Soon enough she'll be off to preschool, should I just try to make the most of this time with her now and leave the "thing that must be done" until 2025?

OP posts:
elm26 · 21/01/2024 11:02

She's not even 2 yet OP. She's still a baby and probably gets bored/lonely. I'd say an hour of playing by herself is good going. Also, it sounds as if she's outgrown her toys if she's had them up to a year. Massive difference between being 1 and almost 2. Have you got a Tonie Box? I've heard really good things about them. Maybe could be a birthday present? Or look on Facebook marketplace for second hand toys if you don't want to spend out. I've had a few good bits from FB and it keeps the cost down/I've donated toys that she's no longer into to the local women and children's shelter. X

muddlingthrou · 21/01/2024 11:40

My nearly two year old will spend a fair bit of time doing imaginary play with her dolls or maileg mice (she puts them to 'bed' repeatedly from what I can gather watching her). But I do think your expectations are unreasonable. An hour is an age for a 2 year old! Their attention spans just aren't that long. You also seem v.focused on not overstimulating your DC - is there a particular reason for that?

VisiblyNot25 · 21/01/2024 11:42

I think your expectations are a bit unrealistic to be honest.

Hipnotised · 21/01/2024 11:45

Can't you involve her in what you're doing? She can help with food prep etc.

Xmastime2023 · 21/01/2024 11:45

You can’t behaviour a child out of being ND.

MidnightPatrol · 21/01/2024 11:45

I’m amazed she’s largely been able to entertain herself until now. My similar aged toddler can manage about 5 minutes.

It’s a lot being alone with a toddler all day. Can you find a local playgroup she could go to a couple of times a week, gives you a break to get stuff done. Churches often run them.

duckpancakes · 21/01/2024 11:46

Unrealistic for 2 years old

TimeForTeaAndG · 21/01/2024 11:48

Can she be in a high chair with crayons and paper in the kitchen while you are cooking so she is with you but safely away from the hob and you can still interact?

Frozenasarock · 21/01/2024 11:49

I’d expect them to occupy themselves for about two minutes while I went to the loo, not an hour while I cooked and made phone calls, especially if you aren’t using screens. She’s not even two. I think your expectations are far too high.

Mine would occasionally occupy themselves with a particular toy for a long period, but it would be a spur of the moment thing that they got into something, it wasn’t something I could plan or demand. So usually they “cooked” with me, did laundry with me and I made phone calls at nap time. They absolutely need adult attention. It’s the life of a SAHP with a toddler - if you need time free from her demands you need childcare.

And I have a ND child - there’s nothing I could have done to encourage or discourage that, it’s simply the brain he was born with. You can’t “encourage adhd tendencies” by rotating toys more often.

BoohooWoohoo · 21/01/2024 11:51

Sounds like she’s better at entertaining herself than most if a new box of toys keeps her happy for a whole hour.

I don’t understand the point about ADHD and frequent rotation of toys. People who are ND were born like that- it’s not something learned from their environment.

Do you know many kids her age? Your expectations are wildly out of whack.

The best you can expect is her playing in the same room that you are doing chores in so if you’re in the kitchen doing laundry and cleaning, then she might sit at the table doing an activity. Many 2 year olds would be open to helping with chores like loading/unloading the washing machine/dishwasher, using a wipe to clean etc I bet that she knows if a T-shirt belongs to her, daddy or you (laundry sorting)

WYorkshireRose · 21/01/2024 11:52

My 5yo can barely do what you're expecting of your 2yo.

catelynjane · 21/01/2024 11:53

I don't want to encourage ADHD-type tendencies (which is a risk anyway), so limiting to once a week.

What on earth does this mean? Confused

Your DD is two. She barely has an attention span at that age. YABU.

InTheRainOnATrain · 21/01/2024 11:55

I'm trying not to rotate too often as I don't want to encourage ADHD-type tendencies (which is a risk anyway), so limiting to once a week
What on earth are you on about? ADHD isn’t caused by the frequency of toy rotation… This is one of the weirdest things I’ve heard in a long time!

But 10 minutes solo play is pretty decent at that age. Rotate the toys as often as suits you both. If you need a bit longer to get stuff done there’s nothing wrong with an episode of an age appropriate semi educational TV programme. If you want recommendations for toys both of mine loved Duplo, the duplo train set, the vtech ice cream cart, various jigsaw puzzles and their toy kitchen from IKEA.

whiteboardking · 21/01/2024 11:55

ADHD type tendencies?!?!? You are having a laugh. She's two. You can't train a child not to be ND either

BananasInThreePieceSuits · 21/01/2024 11:58

Shouldn't she able to occupy herself and be happy at this age?

No 😂

AlwaysGinPlease · 21/01/2024 12:00

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spriots · 21/01/2024 12:00

Your expectations are ott for her age.

What helps is getting into a routine - so having some set times when she has all of your attention and then some times when you expect her to play on her own - but 30 mins at a time a couple of times a day would be loads.

Also - does she not nap? Can you get some of your stuff done then?

Overall - surely the point of being a SAHM is to spend time with your child so why not just enjoy it?

Familiaritybreedscontemptso · 21/01/2024 12:02

Your expectations are unrealistic. It sounds like she does a lot of independent playing already for her age. 2 year olds aren’t meant to entertain themselves for long periods of time.

Snowdropsareontheirway · 21/01/2024 12:05

A not quite two year old keep herself occupied by herself for nearly an hour is very unusual. How long have you been leaving her to her own devices?

Bearbookagainandagain · 21/01/2024 12:06

My eldest is 2, he will often ask us to play with him and have short periods of time where he plays on his own, but they aren't frequent. We are trying to encourage it though.

Things that worked for us in the past 6 months:

  • play kitchen! This was a big hit, and we voluntarily stayed away and let him play with it on his own from the start. He never asks us to join so I think that worked.
  • books in his cot, to make naps last longer and getting him used to look at books on his own
  • ride on car, it's bulky but it's entertaining him, we just move all the furniture to the side in the afternoon after nap
  • Duplo. Great at that age. Try to find some that don't break apart to easily. The train for instance is nice but the wagon keeps separating so they constantly ask you to put them back. We found the cars much better, they can the people in and out, but the car itself tend to stay together
  • not a toy, but we have a cupboard for him in the dining room to put his kitchen utensils, bowls and stuff. He loves taking things in and out, and it keeps him busy when we do the laundry for instance

[Edit to say that when cooking or tidying up, I ask him to either take a toy and play in the kitchen with me, eg Duplo, or to help. Cooking he is up on a step next to me and watch I'm doing, he likes to play with the spice jars or the vegetables, and I ask him to "mix" stuff. He can help with the dishwasher by putting his stuff back in his cupboard]

defective · 21/01/2024 12:07

I think your expectations are massively unreasonable. Few normal two year old will play alone for an hour. A couple of minutes, if at all! Whatever you are doing, involve her in it, cleaning, cooking, whatever. you cant really do private calls and things like that while you are minding a two year old.

Caring for a toddler is full on, your attention should be on her every moment

Whatarethethoughtsthatsurroundyou · 21/01/2024 12:13

If this is for real why not engage her in what you are doing at the time op?

So “helping” you pair socks or fold laundry.

”Helping” mop the floor.

Try giving her pots and pans and plastic jugs and fill a few with dried red lentils and pasta shapes when you are cooking.

You can buy mini cleaning caddies she can wheel around and mini brooms and mini stoves and washing machines if you want to throw money at it.

Everything takes twice as long and it can be frustrating but that’s the nature of raising a two year old.

I lived in a multi storey house so bought a large metal play pen; I think it was a Baby Dan and I filled it with safe cushions and a few soft toys and my dds would play in that alone for about max three minutes while I went to fetch something upstairs or answer the door so I think you are expecting quite a lot! They occasionally played in it for longer when I was in the same room, mopping or hoovering nearby.

If it’s really getting you down, why not employ someone for three hours one morning or afternoon so you can crack on with all the tasks unhindered and focus on your dd properly afterwards?

DocOck · 21/01/2024 12:14

My DD could entertain herself at this age and actually got a bit pissed off if you tried to get involved but my DS's, not a chance. So I suspect she was the anomaly.

EverleighMay · 21/01/2024 12:15

If she's an intelligent toddler, as opposed to normal toddler, maybe look at toys for an older age range, maybe 3+ toys would stimulate her for longer.

Bearbookagainandagain · 21/01/2024 12:15

Familiaritybreedscontemptso · 21/01/2024 12:02

Your expectations are unrealistic. It sounds like she does a lot of independent playing already for her age. 2 year olds aren’t meant to entertain themselves for long periods of time.

I think it depends what OP calls "on her own". My understanding is that OP is asking for her daughter to play by herself in the same room/same area of the house whilst she is doing some other tasks, I have seen some 2 yo doing this perfectly fine for 2-3h in a day (by periods of 30-60 min).