To think I’m allowed to have the light on in the living room

[blanketbuddy]

We have recently moved to a new house. Technically it’s DP’s house as she bought it, but I live here too. We don’t have curtains on the living room windows yet. For context, we live in the countryside. There are no houses overlooking our living room.

The afternoon I have come into the living room and switched on a floor lamp so that I can read my book as it’s beginning to get dark. DP came into the living room about 5-10 minutes after me and sat down on the other sofa with her laptop.

She commented “I hate having this light on, being under the spotlight”. I explained that I wanted to read my book, and that I need the light on. She basically said it would be reasonable for me to offer to read for 30 minutes and then to switch the light off once it got properly dark (as there would be an increased “spotlight” effect in the total darkness). I said that I wouldn’t expect her to use her laptop for 30 minutes and then switch it off just because it didn’t suit me, and I pointed out that she could also choose to sit in the other room if she didn’t want to be in a room that was lit up. She then got angry with me, saying I was telling her where she could and couldn’t be in her house.

I said, “that’s not what I’m saying, you’re perfectly welcome here but I need the light on as I’m reading so I mean if you don’t want to be in a room with the lamp on”. She said, “oh thanks, you’re telling me I’m welcome in my own house!”

who is being unreasonable?

It is were me I'd buy one of those head torches and wear it ALL the time..

I would move out if I were you and stop paying for a house where I am so obviously not supposed to make myself at home.

i think you know the answer about controlling behaviour. You’re on here now because it’s suddenly dawning on u that something isn’t right.

you know the answer deep down. Time to be brave xxxx

People who sit in the dark are so weird 🙄I went a friends house recently and all the lights were off 😂apart from this fire display thing in the Living Room.

Get stick-on disposable curtains from IKEA, £5. There are white ones or blackout ones. We've used the blackout ones whilst waiting for ours to be ready, for a couple of months they were fine.

But yeah, she is being ridiculous. If it's such an issue, prioritise curtains.

Do you contribute to living in her house?

Why not just temporarily hang a bed sheet up at the windows like normal people, instead of arguing about lamps?

@blanketbuddy - so this is a very left field idea ( because I think having a lamp on to read a book is perfectly reasonable ) I have a paperwhite kindle for the purposes of reading in bed and not walking up DH with a lamp on

If you are going to end up with curtains but can't afford them yet I would put some sheets over the windows if that is the problem .

@sandyhappypeople - oops cross posted

This issue or something similar must have come up before?
Your DP sounds controlling, and unpleasant, but maybe there is more background to this?

Just go to ikea! They don't need to be expensive curtains.

I could not live like this but in the short term - whilst you think about your future life - get a kindle. She can sit in HER house in the dark and you can read on your backlit kindle.

It can be very stressful moving.

Why didn’t you buy together? Are you a tenant as such?

Have you never seen a 'killer lurking outside ready to hack inhabitants to death' movie? There's plenty of them. The audience yells "buy some bloody curtains you moron " as Mr Axe murderer chuckles outside the door. Buy some curtains. Honestly.

Buying curtains may solve this problem but what happens when you put the mugs away the wrong way up… or have the thermostat a bit too high/low… or want to buy a cushion she doesn’t like.

She’s showing you her approach to a difference of opinion. Not calm discussion and working out a solution but shutting you down and emotional blackmail. Big red flag.

I was working from home this morning, sitting on a chair in the kitchen with my laptop. There is no close by socket (thanks, builders!) so I had the extension lead out so that I could charge my laptop as it would’ve died otherwise.

DP came in during the morning and said (IMO aggressively), “you know I really don’t like that extension lead”. The implication being that she didn’t want me to use it. I explained that I needed to charge my laptop and there’s no socket that would allow my charger to reach, and that as soon as my laptop was finished charging I would put the extension lead away again.

she said I was being ridiculous, that she moved to this house to have some peace [and she hates seeing the extension lead across the floor] and that I was being ridiculous and “so confrontational”. She told me to have some compassion.

She said “there are alternatives. Be an adult and charge your laptop at lunchtime or on Sunday night” (even if fully charged at 9am my laptop would need charged by lunchtime again anyway and I only get 30 mins for lunch so this wouldn’t solve the problem).

To hopefully give a balanced view, I did lose my temper a bit and raised my voice back at her. But is this situation normal?

No, it sounds like she wants you there on her terms and sees it as you living in her house.

Would you treat her the same?

It's her house. She is demonstrating that in all her actions. You are in her home.

Get out now. This relationship is not going to work. She sounds a bloody nagging nightmare and it will never feel like your own home, you will sways just be the lodger.

I cant believe you would have a minor spat about a domestic issue like the light and then come on mumsnet to discuss it

However, lighting is important, lighting can be uncomfortable. Work together to determine what sort of light works in the room, gives you the ability to read and her the ability to not feel blinded.

Finished.

She’s treating you like a child.

Do not feel as though you’re being told off by your mum?

At the very least, you need to move out.

This is not normal and she sounds absolutely awful.

I would rather be on my own than treated like shit.

This isn’t a minor spat.

The only reason it doesn’t escalate is because OP tries not to escalate it.

RTFT
No one should get treated like a second class citizen in their own home.

It seems that your presence in her home is annoying her - if she was happy with everything I can’t imagine that she would be picking holes like this. Anyhow, is that how you are ok being treated? I don’t think it’s normal and personally I’d be out of there pretty sharpish. What’s the relationship like apart from this? Is it worth working on?

The issue here is her being controlling because she owns the house. The light situation is just the beginning.

These are not good signs, she sees you as imposing on her in her home, get out while you can and leave her to sit in the dark. life's not supposed to be this hard.