To think I’m allowed to have the light on in the living room

[blanketbuddy]

We have recently moved to a new house. Technically it’s DP’s house as she bought it, but I live here too. We don’t have curtains on the living room windows yet. For context, we live in the countryside. There are no houses overlooking our living room.

The afternoon I have come into the living room and switched on a floor lamp so that I can read my book as it’s beginning to get dark. DP came into the living room about 5-10 minutes after me and sat down on the other sofa with her laptop.

She commented “I hate having this light on, being under the spotlight”. I explained that I wanted to read my book, and that I need the light on. She basically said it would be reasonable for me to offer to read for 30 minutes and then to switch the light off once it got properly dark (as there would be an increased “spotlight” effect in the total darkness). I said that I wouldn’t expect her to use her laptop for 30 minutes and then switch it off just because it didn’t suit me, and I pointed out that she could also choose to sit in the other room if she didn’t want to be in a room that was lit up. She then got angry with me, saying I was telling her where she could and couldn’t be in her house.

I said, “that’s not what I’m saying, you’re perfectly welcome here but I need the light on as I’m reading so I mean if you don’t want to be in a room with the lamp on”. She said, “oh thanks, you’re telling me I’m welcome in my own house!”

who is being unreasonable?

I have just moved in with my DP and sure we have joked about differences of opinion on certain things, but what you have described sounds very off and that your partner sees the house as very much theirs and you are a guest.

Same here, we’re literally in the middle of nowhere and never shut our blinds/curtains.

1. Is she trying to save on the cost of electricity which you may know has increased recently?
2. Do you pay for the electricity?

living as her guest and dependent on her goodwill …

Why are you spending money on a house to which you have zero rights?

She could get temporary blinds until you can get curtains https://www.blindsinabox.co.uk/

But the worrying part is her thinking she can call the shots because it's "her house". Doesn't bode well for the relationship I'm afraid.

Get the paper blinds from Dunelm or IKEA whilst you wait for curtains. They are 5 pound and great. I got them almost a year ago as we're saving for shutters.
Also, she could be a controlling dick or she could just have had a bad moment. It's not totally in context to say, if this is regular and you feel on eggshells or like you can't live the way you want to then it's time to go!
Do you pay rent (towards the mortgage?) you should feel wherever you live with a partner to be your home too.

I think I'd be inclined to do a 'you OK, hun?' to the DP, as it's a weird, diva-esque reaction. Is that normal behaviour?

Indeed.

She's being a weirdo. Laptops are portable and you were there first!

How long have you been together?

Honestly OP, I would see this as a red flag and be seriously considering whether this is a relationship I want to be in or not.

Does she have a tendency to tell you what to do?

It doesn't sound like she's ready to share the house. Move back out, and only live together when it is your shared home with equal rights for both of you in the house.

She is telling you how it’s going to be. If she pulls the it’s her house card all the time it doesn’t much for how she really thinks about you does it.

This.
This is about so much more than a loght!

Why is it her house, why did you both move into it recently ? Has she just bought it ? Where did you both live before.

if there is a problem affording decent curtains, you will find some in charity shops until you can afford the ones wanted

Or you could block out the windows with newspapers

or I have seen some properties with sheets/duvet covers being used instead of curtains - these too can be found in charity shops.

Tho of course now she is upset about sitting with the light on, you could go and read in a different room ?

Utterly ridiculous. If they don't want people to see them in the living room then they should go a different room! Personally I can't stand sitting in the dark even to watch TV (and I don't have living room curtains and I'm a bit overlooked) and as you were there first, reading a book, using a small lamp not the big light, I don't see how you could be BU here.

Are there other instances of things like this between you??
And are you planning to put any funds towards the curtains? Because I wouldn't, tbh

@blanketbuddy

its about her attitude to it being her house that stinks It's either you home for stuff like this, or it's not.

are you spending your money 'doing it up'? If you are, I'd stop it.

Personally I wouldn't want to live with her.

As for the lights, if you're reading you need a light on. Have you tried asking her why she's so bothered by what the cows think??

sorry, but I don't think this situation is going to make you happy.

I can hnderstsnd not liking vright lights on or lights on with nothingbatvthecwibdows but therecis stuff you xzn do such as smearing the glass with windolene or sticking up newspaper or any other opaque material. Going to a charity shop for cheap sheets or duvet covers would do pro tem. Even cafe style.

Leave.

Move back out. If you're contributing despite it being her house but get no say in how you live there you would be better off contributing to a house share somewhere. The fact she's stating "it's MY house" already as a way to control what you can do there doesn't bode well and you'll not be comfortable living with her.

Massive red flags.

Firstly that she’s already pulling the ‘it’s my house’ routine and making you feel at fault for wanting to be comfortable in your own home (and wanting a light on in the evening is completely normal - sitting in the dark not so much).

Secondly that you mention that “we” are doing up the bathroom etc. You should be paying rent and bills. Any payment for renovations / fixtures should be coming from her alone. Otherwise if you split, you will find it almost impossible to get your money back.

can't believe the people suggesting this is a sign you're not compatible/to move back out. Because of one minor argument?

Also the 'my house' thing - if she meant it as 'It's my house so you have less right than me,' that is rude, but she didn't specify that - it could as equally be something someone says to a partner in a jointly owned house. I'd say it to DP if they (for example) moaned about me putting the heating on, but I'd mean it in a 'it's my house just as much as yours, you don't get to make all the decision,' way.

I think technically in this argument she is more at fault than you, as why bother having a floor lamp if you're not supposed to use it when it's dark, what else is it for, and you were there first. But unless she's done anything else to suggest she thinks you have less right to live in the house as you'd like moving out/breaking up over 1 comment is way OTT.

Also this is the second thread in 2 days where someone doesn't have anything covering their windows, which I just don't get. That was one of the first things I did when I moved in. Even if you do live in the middle of nowhere, it's January, you're losing a huge amount of heat, and doesn't it creep you out to think people could see in from a distance away?

MY HOUSE big big red flag .

Why do you have a lamp that you or she does not like? You clearly need a lamp to read by, but if she does not like how this lamp lights up, perhaps another would be better. It seems very odd of her to expect to have a lamp that is not turned on.

You might like to investigate places that do good quality 2nd hand curtains. Could be a good way to get either temporary or permanent curtains for your rooms at a more manageable price.

I think she's being unreasonable however...if it's the bedroom and one of you wants the light off then off it goes. Likewise tv or music.

I'd move out. Firstly, she's a nutter to expect you to put your book down, turn the lamp off and sit quietly in the dark because that's what she wants.

Secondly, she's a bitch throwing the 'it's my house' and sarcasm at you. She clearly thinks she's the queen and gets to make all the decisions.

I'd move out, and I'd end the relationship. It's not going to work.