AIBU to stay in marriage with issues when biological clock ticking?

[barrelclip]

I am 33 (and a half), DH is 35, we’ve been together 10 years and married for 2.

Over the past 6 months we’ve been struggling and I’ve been having serious doubts about our marriage. About a month or so ago this blew up a bit and we came the closest we had done to splitting up but decided to keep going. We haven’t had counselling (I suggested it but he wasn’t keen) but in the past month both of us have made changes and feel like we are making progress - although the anxiety remains.

I really want children in my life. DH does not actively ‘not’ want them and always says yes he’s happy to have kids in the future…but is significantly more ambivalent and tends to in general not look ahead more than 2-3 weeks in the future at a time. This is one of the major sources of the issues in our marriage. For a year or so we’ve not been using protection but it’s not really been TTC - it’s been pretty infrequent and not timed around ovulation, he’s never been a real ‘partner’ in me trying to conceive, he says he’d be happy if I was pregnant (which I guess is evidenced by him occasionally having unprotected sex) but he’s never going to be with me pushing for it. This came up after we married because we’d both always talked idly in the future about having kids, it’s when I started wanting to get going and he was more vague/ambivalent about it that our different views became more clear.

I have PCOS and don’t expect conceiving to necessarily be easy. He knows this.

In our blow up a month ago I communicated all of the above and he said he knew he’d been a dick and would change. It’s hard to ascertain right now if that’s true or not as we are emphatically NOT TTC anyway because of the marriage issues in general and I suspect probably won’t get there for a few months.

Despite everything said above, I love DH, I love our life together, divorce would devastate me, I’m not confident I’ll find someone else. Not to mention the financial/practical impact of leaving. In an alternate universe where I knew children were guaranteed whatever happened, I know that I would give this marriage a good go before leaving, probably at least another 6 months - year.

So my question is, if I want children…. What do I do?

A) (YABU) Leave now as I’ll never be younger than I am currently, potentially throwing away chance of children ever if I don’t find someone else?

B) (YANBU) try and forget about biological clock at present and give the marriage a proper go for 6 months - a year or so with a defined end point to either be actively TTC or leave (this is definitely what I’d do if I was younger?)

Thoughts welcome

In my experience if a marriage has problems before kids - kids are likely to make it worse

Risking only having your dc 50% of the time is nuts....

It's really hard to vote, because neither option is guaranteed to give you what you want and you say that getting divorced would devastate you. So if you decide to get divorced (a process that often takes around 2 years), and you're devastated, it's not like you're going to be in a good place to hit the dating scene any time soon. So, with the maxim 'one in the hand is worth two in the bush', I'd probably give it a go with your DH, since he isn't against having a baby and you are positively for it, whereas you have zero guarantee that you'll meet anyone else within the necessary time frame. There is also the PCOS issue, which is likely to impact your fertility and make it harder for you to conceive, so the earlier you start trying, the better.

Just to be clear - the idea would be within 6 months or so to try and work on the issues and get back to a good place - not to get pregnant immediately now, when the issues are still there. Although it’s a bit of a catch 22 as one of, if not the biggest issue of all of this is his previous lack of enthusiasm or support re TTC in general.

Your DH doesn't care about having kids.
Your marriage is already struggling so you shouldn't bring kids into this.

You either stay, try and work on the relationship but accept that kids may not be on the cards.

Or you leave now and find someone who does want kids. You are 33. Your biological clock is not quite done yet, you have plenty of time to meet someone new. That isn't be the case in 5, 6, 7 years time.

Personally if having kids is really important to you do not waste your fertile years trying to make a failing marriage work.

the biggest issue of all of this is his previous lack of enthusiasm or support re TTC in general.

So why did you marry him OP? Being on the same page about wanting DC or not, how many and when you'll start trying is one of the most important discussions a couple who are considering marriage can have.

We both discussed before marriage and agreed that we wanted kids and I made clear that I wanted to start trying for kids by the time I was 33. We were never planning to start trying immediately after the wedding. It was when it became more ‘real’ and literally on the cards that it became more apparent that my husband wanted, and still wants kids in the same way that I wanted kids when I was 21 - sees them in his future, but finds it difficult to imagine having one right now. He agreed to not use contraception, but as said above, we didn’t have sex very often and weren’t especially timing it when I was fertile (bearing in mind as WELL I have PCOS) and he wouldn’t engage or be supportive when I discussed with him drs appts I’d had re regulating my cycle etc, it was as if the concept of TTC itself was taboo and he just was wondering if one day I’d turn up pregnant. This is everything I told him a month ago that he agreed he’d been a dick on and said would change….

my one piece of advice to other younger couples after all of this is to be way more specific when talking about future TTC plans…

I think you need to chat together. Does he want kids or not?
What lengths are you both prepared to go do?

GP would consider you've been TTC for 12 mths. I'd try and get a referral into fertility unit at least. These things are never fast - very low on the NHS priority list.
PCOS - doesn't mean a baby can't happen naturally. But it's wise to get the ball in motion.

I know 6 baby's born to mums with PCOS. 2 natural, 4 were fertility babies of the 4 (3 IUI, 1IVF)

I would cut your losses and go tbh. It’s clear that he is at best lukewarm about having children and isn’t committed to trying to conceive properly, and, furthermore, that you seeking to accelerate this process will irritate him.

Actually having children puts an often intolerable burden on marriages anyway (just under half don’t survive). Strong marriages are frequently destroyed by the grind of raising children. It’s very tough and you need to be aligned on what you want before getting into this to have a chance.

Yes it’s possible that you won’t find another partner to have children with (though equally possible you will). But that’s not a reason to double down on something which is already dysfunctional before the most egregious stress point has been introduced. If you want children above all else you can do it on your own.

Whatever you do I would insist on counselling as a dealbreaker. If he can’t explore these fault lines in the relationship properly like an adult and confront the dilemma you aren’t going to be able to make these important decisions.

Thank you - I think one of my big fears in all of this is I just can’t imagine a scenario where if we went through IVF etc he’d be a supportive partner in that (although maybe I’m being unfair, and need to give him more of a chance).

Although technically a GP may consider it’s been 12 months, to put in perspective in that 12 months we’ve probably had sex 10 times with only 2 or 3 in a part of a cycle where I’ve realistically had a shot of conceiving / him finishing… so I don’t really consider myself as having properly TTC tbh, however my cycles aren’t regular so I’m sure I probably will need help.

To be honest it sounds like you are flogging a dead horse. The six month deadline is more about you saying you’ve tried when the reality is your H doesn’t sound at all bothered about improving the situation.

I’d be interested in understanding why you got married, especially since this very important topic doesn’t appear to have been discussed in any detail?

Would you be happier single no kids or divorced with kids?

One of my big conundrums, I guess I can’t imagine if I had a child I would regret having that child even if I ended up a single co-parent.

I also in general have never lived alone and the idea scares me even short term (I’ve been with DH since I was 23, and even before that I had another long term ex from 19 - 22). The idea of being in 40s, alone, without children terrifies me.

Your DH is 35 and still ambivalent which in itself is telling that he probably doesn't really want kids. He told he will change but I would want to know does he actually want kids or is he not fussed, because having kids with a man who doesn't want them is a recipe for disaster. And take this from someone who's been through stillbirth and miscarriage - if things are tough (none of us know til we are pregnant or trying how it will go for us and you say things might be tougher with PCOS), you need a really strong support foundation from your DH when you're doing this, and if he isn't going to be that for you, I'd really consider whether this is the right thing.

We would not have DS if it wasn't for me tracking my cycle and making sure we DTD at the right time. DH said he would be happy to be a dad but wouldn't have ever been proactive about it. I was 38 and him 45 when we conceived so time wasn't on our side either. DH is the most wonderful dad and adores DS completely. If your DH is happy to be a dad but you're the one instigating things does it really matter? It depends whether there are other issues outside this which you need to be honest with yourself about.

In DH mind he’d be just as happy if he had kids and if he didn’t and is happy to see which option life throws at him. I used to think that would be enough…

to be fair, after our big blow up last month he did say ‘yes, I want a baby with you’ (including saying that if I left him I’d never have a baby…) but as we haven’t TTC since obviously have not put this to the test.

to be fair, after our big blow up last month he did say ‘yes, I want a baby with you’ (including saying that if I left him I’d never have a baby…) but as we haven’t TTC since obviously have not put this to the test.

In that case, why not call his bluff and say 'I want us to start trying now' and see what he says?

Thanks - this is helpful perspective. There are definitely other issues, but this is the ultimate issue which the others pretty much also are related to or stem back from (general sex not being that frequent, general his lack of forward planning, me working too much/throwing myself into social life when in denial to face my feelings about the situation etc).

Just to add, I have PCOS and got pregnant naturally so it is definitely possible. I was told by an obs/gynae that The way PCOS affects fertility is how it affects your cycle and leads to no periods. Are you having regular periods, OP?

OP, what are the other issues in your relationship? I note you mentioned having sex 10x in 12 months, which could be perfectly fine but could also be relatively infrequent and a sign of something else in the relationship.

This. If he is very 'meh' about the direction of the relationship now, imagine absolutely everything involving a child falling on you. Every night feed, nappy, decision.

I would bet my house that if you did have kids with this man your relationship would crumbled within about six weeks at best.

It sounds like you have a few issues rather than just the baby issue.

You seem to have sex very infrequently for a couple not long married and without kids. This may suit you both, but be sure it does.

You don’t seem to communicate well as you felt you’d discussed TTC before marriage when he clearly wasn’t on the same page. DH and I talked about how long we should enjoy marriage just us and how much we needed to save so we had a rough month in mind to start TTC a certain time after marriage. We also talked about what would happen financially and in terms of jobs-who, if either of us, would go p/t and for how long. How we’d need to have joint finances if one of us did go p/t or SAH et.

The world is full of women whose husbands were ambivalent about having a baby or didn’t want to do it, ‘yet’. They then wasted their fertile years trying to change his mind. Sadly, those men often then leave their wives in their late 40s or early 50s and have babies with a women in her 30s leaving the ex wife single and childless with no hope of motherhood left.

Good luck

I don’t really get what your problem is. Are you tracking your ovulation and initiating sex at the right times? Are you managing your PCOS, taking supplements and having any necessary tests?

It sounds like neither of you can be bothered to have sex and that’s why you’re not having children.

If you want to separate, then separate. But to be honest it sounds like you love him but you’re bored in a long-term relationship and making dramas and ultimatums and unnecessary problems out of nothing.

If you have children with this man then they’ll be half his. Would you be happy for him to have sole care of your children up to half the week if you split up? Would you be happy to be away from them that long? Would your parenting styles match up enough? Children really put pressure on a relationship and if he’s a bit lazy before you have kids it’ll be a real issue afterwards.

With the TTC we didn’t have to do this but I’m sure if we had to put the effort in it would have been led by me entirely. But I’m the one in our relationship who would know when I’m ovulating so that makes sense. Do you initiate sex when you’re in your fertile
window? Does he actually know what TTC entails? He may not…