AIBU to stay in marriage with issues when biological clock ticking?

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I am 33 (and a half), DH is 35, we’ve been together 10 years and married for 2.

Over the past 6 months we’ve been struggling and I’ve been having serious doubts about our marriage. About a month or so ago this blew up a bit and we came the closest we had done to splitting up but decided to keep going. We haven’t had counselling (I suggested it but he wasn’t keen) but in the past month both of us have made changes and feel like we are making progress - although the anxiety remains.

I really want children in my life. DH does not actively ‘not’ want them and always says yes he’s happy to have kids in the future…but is significantly more ambivalent and tends to in general not look ahead more than 2-3 weeks in the future at a time. This is one of the major sources of the issues in our marriage. For a year or so we’ve not been using protection but it’s not really been TTC - it’s been pretty infrequent and not timed around ovulation, he’s never been a real ‘partner’ in me trying to conceive, he says he’d be happy if I was pregnant (which I guess is evidenced by him occasionally having unprotected sex) but he’s never going to be with me pushing for it. This came up after we married because we’d both always talked idly in the future about having kids, it’s when I started wanting to get going and he was more vague/ambivalent about it that our different views became more clear.

I have PCOS and don’t expect conceiving to necessarily be easy. He knows this.

In our blow up a month ago I communicated all of the above and he said he knew he’d been a dick and would change. It’s hard to ascertain right now if that’s true or not as we are emphatically NOT TTC anyway because of the marriage issues in general and I suspect probably won’t get there for a few months.

Despite everything said above, I love DH, I love our life together, divorce would devastate me, I’m not confident I’ll find someone else. Not to mention the financial/practical impact of leaving. In an alternate universe where I knew children were guaranteed whatever happened, I know that I would give this marriage a good go before leaving, probably at least another 6 months - year.

So my question is, if I want children…. What do I do?

A) (YABU) Leave now as I’ll never be younger than I am currently, potentially throwing away chance of children ever if I don’t find someone else?

B) (YANBU) try and forget about biological clock at present and give the marriage a proper go for 6 months - a year or so with a defined end point to either be actively TTC or leave (this is definitely what I’d do if I was younger?)

Thoughts welcome

Don't have kids with a man that isn't fully committed to kids as well.

Trust me.

He won't do his share either the kids or to you or to the home.

He will put it all on you because YOU wanted them, so not his problem.

Get rid and cut your losses.

If you have kids with him I think it's very likely that you'll end up doing all the parenting yourself and if you try to call him up on it he'll tell you that you're the one who wanted kids not him. If kids are your priority you can go solo for IVF with a donor. A friend of mine did it.

So you are happy to bring a child into a rocky relationship ? Why on earth would you do that ?

I would suggest you both need proper counseling to dig into all of these issues in your marriage. What about asking him to participate in at least 6 sessions with you to show that he meant that he wanted to change. Also, your first counsellor might not be the best fit, so it might be worth you doing a few solo session first to find someone you think will mesh with you both and hold you both accountable.

He doesn't sound like a supportive partner.
He isn't taking your goals seriously. That would entail sitting down and figuring out together what it will take from you both to achieve a supposedly stated shared goal, in this case, having a family. He sounds both avoidant and ambivalent.
Is he like this about other areas of your life?

Such a tricky one, OP. I have PCOS - first baby took 2 years, lots of precise tracking and fertility treatment (ovulation induction, not IVF) to conceive when i was 35. Prior to beginning TTC at 33, i had already been seen in the endocrinology clinic, so I had a good plan for managing the PCOS and getting things on track. Second baby was conceived naturally after around 9 months of TTC at 37. So not impossible, but i certainly wouldnt want to be wasting time if your DH cannot make a decision.

Whilst it wasnt as difficult a process as IVF, it was still pretty unpleasant for both me and DH. I had lots of test, internal scans, blood taken and at one point was going to have to have an HSG as well. The drugs caused some very horrible hormonal side effects for me. DH was amazingly supportive and i absolutely needed him to be on board 100% - would you be able to say the same about your DH?

If you and your DH did split up and you do want to have children, how would you feel about needing to go down the donor route (if you didnt meet a new partner) or being childfree? Not that these are reasons to stay in an unhappy marriage, but you do need to be honest with yourself about how you would feel about it. You say your DH didn't want to talk to a therapist but you could see one yourself and explore some of these thoughts independently of him?

I would also say that the first year of a new child is unbelievably difficult even for a happy, solid couple. Our first baby was very poorly at birth and then i had PND. It put a massive strain on us, on top of all the normal sleep deprivation / life change of a newborn etc. If he isn't committed, it will be so hard for you and any resentment will just grow.

Not an easy one - do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

To add to what I posted earlier and having read other responses I think you should separate the trying to conceive and what he'd be like as a husband and parent. I've already said that you taking the lead on conceiving in my opinion is ok, but what is your DH like round the house, does he contribute to the household, what's his attitude towards finances etc if you are on mat leave/reduced income? Is he kind and considerate of your feelings, do you think he would share parenting with you - night feeds, nappies, entertaining a small person and reduce the time he spends on his own hobbies and interests?

My opinion seems to be in the minority but im conscious that I think I would have received similar advice if I'd written this post a couple of years ago and it's all worked out for me. My husband just needed a nudge in the right direction and I'm unsure whether you are in a similar situation or whether bigger issues are at play.

I wanted to share almost exactly the same. I also have PCOS and it took me three years to get pregnant the first time. Happy to say I now have three and it got easier each time but it is much more of a rocky road than for your average couple. I had to religiously track my cycle, have sex at the right time, have a lot of sex, and I thought about TTC constantly. Me and DH were in a good place but it put an enormous strain on our relationship and our sex life, and it took us a long time to recover emotionally.

So, what I'm saying is do consider how it will work going into this with someone who is unsupportive.

If he won't have counselling would you consider it for yourself? So that you have someone to talk it through with.

I agree with ringmybe11

I think a lot of men aren't as bothered about "children" in the abstract as women are, but are great dads once the baby is born. Whereas others are not great dads.

If he's otherwise a good partner and he's not averse to having a baby, you could always track your fertility privately (I don't mean keeping it a secret, just he may not want/need to know the details) so you can make it more likely that you have sex at the right time. There's no need to announce "we have to have sex now because of my cycle".

Conversely if he's not a good partner I might consider ending it instead.

My partner agreed to try for a baby but I don't think he was really "excited" about the idea until they were actually born, at which point he was a great dad.

I'd leave him. If he told you if you left him you'd never have kids then that would be the end for me. I'd think he's a abusive, manipulative fucker and never be able to look at him the same again. Also he is demonstrating a lack of commitment to your relationship by refusing counselling.

A lot of women who are trying to conceive deliberately don’t tell their husbands a lot about ovulation windows etc because frankly it’s quite boring, and it also puts on a lot of pressure for them to perform at the right times. This doesn’t mean their husbands are unsupportive or don’t want kids or will be shitty dads.

"I also in general have never lived alone and the idea scares me even short term (I’ve been with DH since I was 23, and even before that I had another long term ex from 19 - 22)."

Is this why you're in a weak relationship, and still questioning that it can be 'fixed' if you 'work on it'?

I don't read any great love for your husband in your words. More just the fear of him not being there. That will not sustain a healthy relationship. Especially one that might turn into co-parenting.

It sound like you have fundamentally different life aims.

I highly recommend chatting to a therapist to help you figure out what to do next. You might be surprised what you find yourself saying.

Life is long. You probably have ten or so childbearing years ahead of you, don't start ttc if you know he's not 100% with you on this big adventure.

But...you already know what the answer really don't you.. you wouldn't have gone to the effort of writing this here if the relationship was suddenly going to magically become the right one.

Be brave x

This!

Marriage is already at risk when babies come along, it’s a massive stress factor. You’re not even there yet.

Also if you TTC for a year, even half heartedly, without a pregnancy, and with PCOS, it might be a more difficult journey than average to have a baby for you. That sort of stuff also breaks marriages. You need to have each other’s backs.

It doesn’t sound like you’re there.

It’s scary to make that decision but I wouldn’t want to delay it.

This will bells on. Just consider how you’ll both feel with no sleep and little freedom.

It's already been stated on this thread but I will repeat it just to flag how important it is: Do not have kids in a marriage which is already rocky.

Kids change they dynamic of a relationship and can test even the strongest of relationships till breaking point.

In addition to this if your husband is wishy-washy on having kids and seems to change the direction of travel on any given day this pretty much sets the stage for him to later down the line abandon his responsibilities with the children with you raising the kids pretty much alone as he can claim you 'forced' him into it and he 'never really agreed' to having them. This way a life of stress and resentment leads.

Don't hang on to the relationship because you feel it's too late to meet someone else. Don't think he'll 'come around' when XYZ happens - it's been 10 years what more is there to 'see'. If what you want is a loving family type of dynamic you won't find one with him - set yourself free to find what you deserve.

I think it could be hard work if he is really not onboard despite his vague ideas about wanting a child. I’m not sure my DH and I did discuss having children before we married (long time ago) and maybe I just assumed he was. But he was always supportive once we decided to conceive. I was 33 too and we timed sex from early on and had quite a few fertility treatments over the next few years. Without his support with all that, I don’t know what I would have done. But I do know I was all consumed by it and I couldn’t have just given up on it.

You need to get him to make a definitive decision soon and if he can’t, that tells you what you need to know.

It sounds like you realise you are taking a big risk staying with this man. I would say reading between the lines that you want to leave.

Why are you having sex so infrequently?

Why is sex so infrequent? You, him, both? Resentment, low drive?

If he's not on board with having kids, and you have them anyway, the marriage will end.

If he's not on board with having kids, and you DO have problems conceiving and need fertility treatment, it's also likely the marriage will end anyway, whether or not you are successful.

Sorry if this sounds negative. I speak from bitter experience.

Don't bring children into a broken marriage as it make it worse as you have the children living apart from you 50÷ of the time. Do you love him. Can yourself imagine living with him for the next 50 plus years

My friend wasn’t happy in a relationship and left. She paid to have artificial insemination and fell pregnant on her 5th and final try before she was 40. Daughter is now 5 and thriving. She is obviously a single mum which is tough but doesn’t have the baggage, upset and animosity that people can have after splitting from their child’s parent and is very happy

I’ve skimmed through the replies but wondered if your marital issues are all about having children. Or are there other issues that you are working through (you’ve mentioned lack of forward planning on his side - is this with life in general or having children).

I think that as PP mentioned, I wouldn’t be too concerned if he wasnt being super active. I know he doesn’t want councelling but could you find out if his behaviour or lack of enthusiasm is based on anxiety or fear or something?

However is he living in other ways and supportive of you in other ways? If he loves you surely if you were to do IVF, he would be concerned for your health and would want to be there for you. Or is he emotionally disengaged? In general?

In my personal experience I’ve only had unplanned pregnancies (twice) and for both we were clear we wanted children eventually prior, but didn’t make active plans. It’s different as I was complacent too - and that’s because I felt that I still had more I wanted to do with life as I knew it. So maybe your partner isn’t quite ready but that doesn’t mean he won’t get into it as with both my pregnancies he came around eventually.

If your marital issues are beyond TTC, definitely find a way to sort them out. Make a plan.

It would be sad to throw away so many years. Also you are still “new” to your marriage and you will always have ups and downs. Find your communication style and I really hope you work things out x

You love him, you love your life, you would be devastated if you divorced, so I am not sure why you are thinking of it to be honest. He has not said he doesn’t want them, he goes along with TTC, he isn’t as involved in tracking cycles, I am not sure that is a deal breaker?