AIBU to stay in marriage with issues when biological clock ticking?

[barrelclip]

I am 33 (and a half), DH is 35, we’ve been together 10 years and married for 2.

Over the past 6 months we’ve been struggling and I’ve been having serious doubts about our marriage. About a month or so ago this blew up a bit and we came the closest we had done to splitting up but decided to keep going. We haven’t had counselling (I suggested it but he wasn’t keen) but in the past month both of us have made changes and feel like we are making progress - although the anxiety remains.

I really want children in my life. DH does not actively ‘not’ want them and always says yes he’s happy to have kids in the future…but is significantly more ambivalent and tends to in general not look ahead more than 2-3 weeks in the future at a time. This is one of the major sources of the issues in our marriage. For a year or so we’ve not been using protection but it’s not really been TTC - it’s been pretty infrequent and not timed around ovulation, he’s never been a real ‘partner’ in me trying to conceive, he says he’d be happy if I was pregnant (which I guess is evidenced by him occasionally having unprotected sex) but he’s never going to be with me pushing for it. This came up after we married because we’d both always talked idly in the future about having kids, it’s when I started wanting to get going and he was more vague/ambivalent about it that our different views became more clear.

I have PCOS and don’t expect conceiving to necessarily be easy. He knows this.

In our blow up a month ago I communicated all of the above and he said he knew he’d been a dick and would change. It’s hard to ascertain right now if that’s true or not as we are emphatically NOT TTC anyway because of the marriage issues in general and I suspect probably won’t get there for a few months.

Despite everything said above, I love DH, I love our life together, divorce would devastate me, I’m not confident I’ll find someone else. Not to mention the financial/practical impact of leaving. In an alternate universe where I knew children were guaranteed whatever happened, I know that I would give this marriage a good go before leaving, probably at least another 6 months - year.

So my question is, if I want children…. What do I do?

A) (YABU) Leave now as I’ll never be younger than I am currently, potentially throwing away chance of children ever if I don’t find someone else?

B) (YANBU) try and forget about biological clock at present and give the marriage a proper go for 6 months - a year or so with a defined end point to either be actively TTC or leave (this is definitely what I’d do if I was younger?)

Thoughts welcome

This really is a completely personal decision, what matters to one person most will be different for someone else. You need your decide what matters most to you and act accordingly:

• carry on as you are, half hearted ttc and relationship not quite right not quite wrong (probably worst choice as you already know it's not making you happy)
• leave, start ttc on your own
• leave, live on your own, resigned to maybe no child, but hopefully a better relationship one day.
• stay but insist on counselling and/or active ttc (make ivf enquiries, regular sex in window) in the knowledge the relationship may end.

I don't think there is a right answer, there are pluses and minuses with all paths. I coparent really well with my ex and am so glad he is their dad rather than me just on my own. So that can work out too. I have a friend who deeply regrets going it alone and has struggled. Equally I know a woman who loves being the sole parent & decision maker.

One choice I would be clear about is if a child is no 1 priority then make a decision that does prioritise that, with pcos I would not delay any longer.

If you’re already on rocky ground and he’s ambivalent about kids there’s a big risk he’ll check out completely and leave it to you. If you split then you’ll still have to co-parent somehow.

Or you can split and attempt it alone. But you may still end up with no kids. I think you really need to have a think about which is the more appealing option. But I suspect either way your marriage is unlikely to survive kids if it’s already at this stage. If you stay with him for the sake of having kids you might as well go it alone and find an actual sperm donor who will have no claim to the kid/s.

Thank you - yes, my gut feeling is DH would be a great dad. I do all of the household admin, organising etc but he does more of the physical household tasks than I do.

I’m also by far the breadwinner (earn 4 x his salary) so me being the ‘primary’ parent in terms of most time off, going part time, drop offs continually etc makes little financial sense, and I wonder sometimes if this is part of his reticence

Sorry OP but I agree with some of the other PP's - brining a child into a failing relationship is a shitty thing to do.

It’s been this way for a while (like, 4/5 years) I think just generally driven by low drives but was less of an issue for me until I started wanting to TTC so kick it up a bit. I think this also made me start examining in general how it was making me feel having sex every 5-6 weeks or so and the fact we didn’t make time for it (ie: not good about myself) and I have also raised this with DH a few times… one of the ‘issues’ we need to work on. What we DO have is good emotional intimacy, we do cuddle often and compliment each other etc so it’s not as bad as it sounds or some of my googling of this.

Thank you - this is helpful to lay out the 4 options like that.

I guess I’m leaning towards option 4 with setting a deadline for myself to go for option 3 if TTC doesn’t happen properly… with then further setting a deadline for myself for option 2 if I don’t meet anyone

But I’m frightened that one of two things will happen:

• I’ll waste time in ‘option 4’ if ‘option 3’ is the outcome and regret not leaving six months/a year/ longer earlier when I seriously considered it
• OR I’ll leave, end up in option 3 with no kids, and always wonder if I was just being dramatic and if I’d made more of an effort/stayed longer had a family with the man I love like I imagined I would on our wedding day, I just feel as well like he would inevitably later end up having kids in his 40s with someone younger than me (although maybe I’m catastrophising…)

Just feels impossible!

Okay, but... with PCOS, you aren't going to conceive that way. And you aren't going to suddenly develop a sex life where you do it two or three times a week. So you're looking at assisted conception, in some form - the simplest being the old-fashioned cup and turkey baster. Is he up for that? Is he willing to sign on for years, potentially, of tinkering with your hormones and jizzing in a cup as a schedule requires and invasive scans and potentially costs and angst? Because if not, you are looking at one whole heaping pile of resentment, probably on both sides.

Nail on head - I’m not sure he is. Ideally to start with I’d get him to have sex with me 2-3 times around my ovulation window but even this feels a bit insurmountable (which equally, makes me feel shit about myself, that as a 33 year old woman my husband who’s also in his 30s wouldn’t be up for it). Which has a compounding impact on my self esteem, to extent I’ve been flirting a bit with men I work with etc recently to try and recover/feel better about myself (which I know is pathetic!)

To be honest I think I would leave and take my chances.

From the very first sentence where you said you have been together over ten years and only married two, I could tell that this was a man who you would have to drag and cajole through life rather than someone who shares the same values. I think it would be incredibly stressful if you had a baby with him and you would likely end up doing everything yourself despite being the breadwinner.

I'm sorry, but... I think this is your answer. Don't you?

He doesn't want what you want enough to go on the journey with you, and you are already feeling the impact of a sex life that isn't meeting your needs. If you do conceive, your sex life will almost certainly become even more sparse afterwards, which will increase the resentment, particularly if you want more than one child. That stuff is slow poison to a marriage.

Drag him to counselling and have a shot at seeing if you can get on the same page with him, but my hopes would not be high based on what you've said, and have a timeline in mind for when you're going to pull the plug.

Op natural conception isn't easy with PCOS.

I'd chat to him about Assisted conception. If he wants a child he has to help make it happen.
You'll know from the conversation where he really stands.

He doesn't want kids

Move on

I hope you don't get pregnant I've yet to see any relationship work after kids and then there stuck in the middle.

Eugh, this is a tricky one.

It sounds to me like he's not completely against kids (as he isn't using protection) but it seems to me he's abit scared of making the leap, plus for men I think the cycle monitoring and having sex just to have a baby is a turn off.

I would definitely work on your problems first, as you do not want to bring a child into the mix when you're already having issues. If he then decides that he doesn't actually want kids (he's entitled to change his mind) then you need to think about what you want.

If he is a good partner in every other way and you have a good relationship, then do you really want to throw that away for something that isn't guaranteed anyway? (A baby).

@barrelclip If you love him, I would put a timeline 6-12 months if he agrees to go to counseling and start TTC straight away.

If you leave, I would freeze my eggs and try to find another partner for other 2-3 years, egg freezing could give you a bit more time. If I didn't find another partner, I would have a baby with a donor.

Whether you stay or not you should focus on managing the PCOS, you can take Ovasitol and perhaps Metformin (If doctor prescribes).

In my experience, sometimes you have to take the lead and TTC if he agrees, even if he's not overly excited. When I started TTC DH was OK with it but not excited; then, it's taking much longer than planned and now he's excited and looking into treatment options.

Sometimes PCOS affects egg quality, that's why I would freeze the eggs if not TTC now.

However, before TTC I would talk to him and make a full plan. How it will work after baby is born? Childcare options? Will somebody work part time?

Not much to add, OP, wish you the best, but just wanted to comment on this idea that children can "test" a marriage. I believe that if a marriage is weakened by having children, then it probably wasn't much of a marriage to begin with - just a fantasy that only lasted until real life came in.

I think you need to be clear with yourself- do you want to be with your DH or is it just that you think he’s your best chance to get pregnant (i.e. having a baby is more important than who you gave the baby with)? If it’s the former, and you want to work on your marriage, then focus on that for the immediate term. If it’s the latter, then I think you need to be honest with yourself AND with your husband.

I think you need to find out if you can get over your differences (if that’s what you want) before you bring another life into the mix. As others have said, if there are issues now then those will not magically disappear just because you get pregnant- they will still be there. If anything, the stresses of a baby, lack of sleep etc will exacerbate any problems in your relationship. Having a baby won’t fix a failing marriage. So, work on it or end it and move on.

I think if the main/only reason for staying with your DH is that you want a child- I.e. essentially what you really want is a sperm donor- then I would say that you should end it and move on. (And possibly have a baby with a sperm donor, if having a child is the most important thing). Don’t stay in a marriage you will leave once/if you do get pregnant- it’s not fair to you to continue being in a relationship that isn’t making you happy (and no prospect of change on the horizon) and it’s not fair to make your husband think you want to be with him (even if your relationship has problems/needs work) when you actually just want a baby and he’s a convenient way to get that/ you think you lack other options. I doubt that would be conducive to a good co-parenting relationship, further down the line. Your child deserves better.

Put it this way- if your reason for staying is that you want a baby and you don’t think you’ll find someone else “in time”- and you said this to your husband do you think he’d still be keen to stay with you and/or try for a baby? If he would, fine. If you think, having this information, that he might decide against unprotected sex or to leave then I think you need to be honest with him and let him make decisions with all of the facts.

Don't do it, your children will be miserable and it's not fair on them.

You are already having sex less than once a month.

What's the reason for that do you think?

If you're cajoling someone to have sex with you, it's time to leave.
If you are seeking attention from men elsewhere, it's time to leave.
You should not have to drag someone to counselling to save a marriage. If they are as equally invested in the relationship then they would willingly seek it out. Don't listen to people telling you to do this.
If you force someone who is ambivalent about being a father into being one then it is not fair on you, him or your child.
He's got a nice life with a wife who earns more than him. It's in his interests to keep you dangling for as long as it takes for you to miss your chance.
You are already not having sex and Ttc or not, you are too young to not have a sex life.
Get out now while there's still a chance to meet someone who can't keep their hands off you and who actively wants a baby with you.
Being single and childless at 40 is a damn sight of a better life than burning with resentment at being a de facto single parent because yiur husband has checked out because it was all your idea to have a baby.

@AnotherDayOfSun

I believe that if a marriage is weakened by having children, then it probably wasn't much of a marriage to begin with - just a fantasy that only lasted until real life came in.

This is claptrap; the reality is far, far more complex. What about all the people who recognise their marriage wouldn’t survive children and so consciously don’t have them?

Are they not living “real life”? Are their marriages just “fantasy”?

(YANBU) try and forget about biological clock at present and give the marriage a proper go for 6 months

It sounds as though you have been giving rhe marriage a proper go, though?

Google "sunk cost fallacy

You'd be astonished at how much can change, you have time to meet someone who is Hell Yeah about having kids with you, or going solo. Depending on finances you may want to explore freezing eggs now.

I meant that if a marriage is just based on date nights and holidays, and anything new or challenging would threaten it, then maybe it is more based on fantasy than reality. Raising children is a lovely thing and it's awful to see it cheapened and reduced to just, "Oh no, nappies and hassles! No more date nights now!" But that's just my opinion, don't mean to disrespect anyone.

Thank you - this is def also helpful perspective re the ‘sunk cost’ fallacy.

I guess the issue is that my DH is not an abusive man in any way, he is generally good to me and my life is comfortable. I’m scared of walking away from the man I love, ending up alone and forever regretting it.

Equally I’m scared of staying, over the months and years this anxiety of things not being right not ever going away, never quite having a decent/frequent sex life, not having a child anyway and then waking up at 38 and being like why didn’t I leave at 33 when I was first having these thoughts.

Just feel so lost as either path could go right or could go wrong.

Mix between lack of drive and being busy/ tired (appreciate to those who have kids the idea of being too busy/tired in these situations must sound ridiculous!)