Please help me decide what to do

[Jennybeans401]

I had a close friend whose dds were my dds best friend (from babies). Two years ago my dd was subject to bullying at school. The SENCO also felt she could be autistic and I mentioned this to my friend.

We were having a very difficult time with the school, dd was very unhappy there and i probably was quite "negative" at the time. Dd always loved the dds though of my friend and it made her so happy seeing them. I noticed though that my friend was often cancelling playdates and wouldn't reply to messages for ages. This got to a point where I had to point it out (I wasn't nasty) and she wrote some extremely nasty messages to me.

She excluded me and my dds from the tennis sessions run by my friend (my dd loved this group). Told us not to come back, the rest of the message was nasty too (I was taken aback). I never replied but we didn't see each other for a long time.

Sorry, trying to summarise for brevity! We saw them at a group activity in summer and my friend apologised and hugged me. She discussed meeting up and I text her a few times afterwards. Each time we were back to her cancelling or not replying so I left it.

She's sent the odd message here and there but then we bumped into them again last week at a friend's party. My dd was so happy to see my friends dds and went over to them (they are all 11 btw). My friend greeted me at this party though but I felt she avoided me so I stayed back. I did try to chat to her at one point as we were in the same room but she kind of turned away.

After this, my dd said friends dds hardly spoke to her and she seemed quite upset about it. My friend messaged straight after this party saying sorry she'd been catching up with someone she'd not seen for ages and how her dds loved seeing my dd.

Tbh I'm totally confused and don't feel she's genuine. My dd though really wants me to keep contact to see her friends. It's their birthday in a few weeks and dd wants to buy a gift. Dd blames me for this friendship dispute (I've never told dd about being excluded from the tennis group and the nastiness. I also didn't tell her that the mum removed dd as a friend on the chat app they had.i don't want her to be hurt).

Wwyd? AIBU in not wanting to continue trying with this situation? Dd hasxa phone but the girls aren't allowed one and the mum is quite controlling over them so it's not like they can just have a friendship without us.

Honestly this friendship has died a death. Move on and encourage dd to make other friends who are genuine. Sorry this has happened to you both.

@Babyblackbear78 thanks yes I feel really upset about it and wouldn't pursue it if it wasn't for dd. She talks about the happy times she had with the girls and my heart breaks for her. She doesn't have any other close friends and has been bullied a lot do I think she's holding on because she saw them as her besties.

Sorry I should say we were as close as family before.

Are you saying she excluded your child based on the fact you thought she was autistic?

However the woman sent you messages detailing her reasons so you do actually know what you did that upset her? You say the message was nasty but she was clearly gettkng something off her chest so you could elaborate on that?

Also it is as plain as day this woman wants nothing to do with you now but is being civil because you mix in the same circles

@Quitelikeit my friend asked me after the summer if dd was still flapping at home which is linked to dds autism (dd stims). I said yes. So that did make me think.

The nasty message was sent at a time when my dd was experiencing horrendous bullying at school and it was completely out of the blue tbh.

@Quitelikeit the messages she sends are really affectionate (lots of kisses, we love you so much) but then nothing makes sense. She could easily just let it go so it's a bit strange

I'd actively avoid the places you know she will be with her children because this is having an effect on your DD each time you see them.
If you do see them, be all bright and breezy- as she is doing to you. If she messages you, leave her on unread, reply much much, later. Again, bright and breezy so it's not uncomfortable if you run into her you're still "friendly" but the score is you aren't friends, its fake but it stops any of the uncomfortableness of seeing one another and ignoring.

She is sending mixed signals but regardless of how she may be controlling things this isn't going to work out. A lot of friendship groups change and I remember my own DDs hurt and confusion when her very best (snd quite jealous) friend moved on to another girl around 12.
My son's best friend also had a controlling mother who managed to end the friendship when they were teenagers as she got it in her head my son was a bad influence despite my son befriending and protecting him when he was being bullied when younger. It was painful to see and of course brings up all our own memories of being excluded as children. But it's the way of the world and all you can do is encourage other friendships and stay out of it.

To me she’s decided she doesn’t want your dd to be involved with her dds. Maybe she has an old fashioned viewpoint of autism. I can understand why your dd is so upset, perhaps if you can’t tell her the truth then avoid every place they go so these feelings finally are not stirred up. It sounds very toxic though and I think you are better away from them.

Your poor dd, I’d feel the same way about it.

@Jennybeans401

Cause your daughter cofindence has been badly affected by the bullying your daughter is clinging for dear life,

this quite weird friendship dynamic has by the sounds of it become sort of needy Co dependency vibes air about it, in its dynamic too,

You need to support and encourage your daughter to improve her cofindence in whatever ways as much as possible, such as encouraging her to explore new interests and hobbies as much as possible , be curious about things like adventurer spirit which will be interesting and fun,
What about Briwnies or girl guides even scout's as girls i think can join 🤔 this too,?

there is so many interests groups out there,
There is so many clubs and interests hobbies groups for your daughter to discover,

How old is your daughter?
Your daughter if old enough could all kinds of volunteering experinces ,
there is even websites on volunteering opportunities and it is not just working in charties shops either,

Also just improve help to improve your daughter's cofindence by telling her just how much proud of her allready you are and you have her back just like the rest of her family does too,
Also notice no matter how small achievement is whatever it is when she does it praise her ..

Sorry to hear she has come across Mean girls bitchness like that,

Also maybe doing martial arts too could be of some useful benefit depending on how severe speacial needs are?

if Dd persists with wanting to see them perhaps even tell her you think they’ve moved away, I don’t normally advocate lying but you’ve got to try and get her to move on. If she still thinks there’s a chance she might push to see them. It is clearly hurting her and you.

The affectionate messages and conflicting behaviour are a red flag to me. Very fake and toxic.

@cerisepanther73 thank you, yes she's been very badly affected by the bullying at school. She asked me if she's the reason the friendship dnded and she does worry that she's "weird" because she's been made to feel like that.

She really is just the kindest girl and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mum. She is quirky and empathetic and sweet.

I've reassured her that this is just something between me and the other mum. I haven't the heart to tell her everything but I will try some different activities. She does swimming and gymnastics and has some people to hang out with there. I think she misses that close connection she only had with my friends girls.

@Myleftfoot39 thanks, yes it's trying to get her to move on. It's really hard when so many of the places we go remind her of the girls. It was an incredibly close friendship.

She's determined to send a gift for their birthday. I feel its wrong as we won't be invited to a party and the friendship isn't close. It's sad because the girls seem like they want to be friends but have been told to distance themselves.

Please distance yourselves from these people. This woman will play with your emotions and hurt you again. It is time for you to put some boundaries down and end this relationship. It will only end in hurt for you both.

If the mother is controlling it won’t matter what her kids want, she’s got some idea in her head that her kids might catch autism off your dd.Sorry to be blunt but why else would she ask if your dd still stims at home?One day maybe she’ll have to deal with disability and might change her perceptions but I’d steer clear. Your dd should be with people who love and accept her for who she is.

i feel upset for you. I have a disability and have seen some horrible behaviour in my time.

@Myleftfoot39 I'm so sorry,yes people can be so nasty and I don't understand it. I also don't remember it being like thst when I was younger, we seemed ro be more accepting.

@EvergreenHouse I do feel very upset about it snd like this person enjoys the power trip of it.

I've just got to get dd to move on I think.

The ironic thing about this is that the person my friend was "catching up with" (glued to) at the party last week was someone she told me she'd actively avoided a few years ago! A few years ago she said she'd told this person a bunch of lies about her kids being ill to avoid meeting up with her.

sounds manipulative to me. If you came out and asked her if she’s avoiding you because your child is autistic she’d lie so just walk away

@Jennybeans401

I think 🤔 the mother too she doesn't seem genuine she seems very flaky and I think she enjoys somehow having the attention of yourselves focussed on them,

people like that are really weird

I really like the sound of your daughter and how describe her too

quirkness like your daughter is like 👍 is good ,!
It's what makes her unique personable and interesting ect,

@Myleftfoot39 you beat me too,

Good minds think alike

I thought i was sensing manipulative likes drama vibes about this mean girls mother too

@cerisepanther73 im with you, to me sounds narcissistic and I remember dealing with a woman at work like this.Totally not matching behaviour and words is a red flag as is affection when everything tells you the opposite.Narcs hate weakness and she’ll see autism as a weakness.

My disability has made me a target of abuse and bullying and I’m very aware now when it’s happening to others even when it’s covert.

How old is your daughter?
Keep all relations friendly & civil but otherwise... Treat the mother like the flake she is, she isn't your friend actually, only her DDs may like your DD, & support your DD to make lots of friends in all directions, especially friendships that are easier to pursue !

@lljkk thanks I'm looking out for other opportunities for dd to make friends. She's starting an art club soon so that might be good. Before the bullying she was do confident and would chat to anyone but she's a bit more reserved now.

Dd is 11 and will go to a different school to my friends girls so at least won't see them there. We are in the same area though so might bump into them at shops or out and about.

I agree with OP that if this 'friend' truly wanted no contact then it would just be 'civil'. There's definitely an element of playing with your emotions and your child,possibly wanting to seem like a 'good' person despite what she's done in the past.

Avoid like the plague and don't send a gift for the birthday.You're not close any more. You are so not close that she avoided you at a party and had to sent a message afterwards to cover it over. She'll just view you as needy and you'll have more of this mistreatment in the future if you do see her again.

You deserve better and so does your dd.Also, tell your dd that you deserve friendships where you feel valued and respected.

The two girls looked a bit startled when they saw dd and like rabbits caught in the headlights so I think their mum has told them something about what happened. They felt uncomfortable i think.