Please help me decide what to do

[Jennybeans401]

I had a close friend whose dds were my dds best friend (from babies). Two years ago my dd was subject to bullying at school. The SENCO also felt she could be autistic and I mentioned this to my friend.

We were having a very difficult time with the school, dd was very unhappy there and i probably was quite "negative" at the time. Dd always loved the dds though of my friend and it made her so happy seeing them. I noticed though that my friend was often cancelling playdates and wouldn't reply to messages for ages. This got to a point where I had to point it out (I wasn't nasty) and she wrote some extremely nasty messages to me.

She excluded me and my dds from the tennis sessions run by my friend (my dd loved this group). Told us not to come back, the rest of the message was nasty too (I was taken aback). I never replied but we didn't see each other for a long time.

Sorry, trying to summarise for brevity! We saw them at a group activity in summer and my friend apologised and hugged me. She discussed meeting up and I text her a few times afterwards. Each time we were back to her cancelling or not replying so I left it.

She's sent the odd message here and there but then we bumped into them again last week at a friend's party. My dd was so happy to see my friends dds and went over to them (they are all 11 btw). My friend greeted me at this party though but I felt she avoided me so I stayed back. I did try to chat to her at one point as we were in the same room but she kind of turned away.

After this, my dd said friends dds hardly spoke to her and she seemed quite upset about it. My friend messaged straight after this party saying sorry she'd been catching up with someone she'd not seen for ages and how her dds loved seeing my dd.

Tbh I'm totally confused and don't feel she's genuine. My dd though really wants me to keep contact to see her friends. It's their birthday in a few weeks and dd wants to buy a gift. Dd blames me for this friendship dispute (I've never told dd about being excluded from the tennis group and the nastiness. I also didn't tell her that the mum removed dd as a friend on the chat app they had.i don't want her to be hurt).

Wwyd? AIBU in not wanting to continue trying with this situation? Dd hasxa phone but the girls aren't allowed one and the mum is quite controlling over them so it's not like they can just have a friendship without us.

dcs will model their mother's behaviour unfortunately though, her attitudes and prejudices will be handed down.Wish it was different.

Wow, just wow. Who needs enemies..

YANBU.

I also think that @Myleftfoot39 is probably right, why would this woman ask if your dd is still showing signs of autism?It's obviously an issue to her.

It's like a bad relationship this. She's the sort of abuser and you're the wife that keeps coming back thinking they will change. Cut your losses and move on. Now.

@decionsdecisions62 spot on.This is an abusive relationship/friendship.

Classic abuser likes to feel powerful.This is what she gets each time she rejects you or mistreats you.The niceness in between is just a ploy to keep you doing what she wants.

Sounds like you have lovely memories but it sounds like this is or was all on her terms and she wants it like that again.

Op forgive me but your friend has completely moved on for whatever reason. Her dds may not wish for the friendship to continue, and as painful as it is - it is their choice.

Your job is to educate your child and support her, friendships don’t always last forever. It was a lovely experience at the time and people move on as they grow up. Do not send gifts or allow dd to continue persevering, it will end in dds humiliation.

It’s time to accept your dds limitations with friendships, she might connect with other people in a different way. Does she have other autistic friends? This might be an easier experience for her? I would get her involved in volunteering with animals. I would move schools if you haven’t already, include family more often in her life etc. Lots of activities and fun hobbies and less pressure on friendships.

@Jennybeans401

I was going to suggest art 🎨 club as in interest to explore too,

Art is wonderful it's so relaxing you forget about your stress and troubles whilst doing it as you. are so focused. on what you are doing,
it's like active mediation for your mind and soul
Good choice. 👌

I wish i had discovered how therapeutic art can be as a subject a long time ago ,
as i had a very difficult childhood at times growing up in the so called care system for children ect...

I don’t agree, I think the friend has been trying to distance herself politely for some time, and op doesn’t pick up on it or chooses to ignore it. I think her friend probably feels bad about snapping, but I would feel suffocated in this friendship. It’s too needy and co dependent.

It’s not abusive to want to end a friendship that no longer works.

@Newchapterbeckons

Good idea choice too

Doing volunteering with animals or having a family pet too.

@Newchapterbeckons when I have distanced myself from friendships I do just that. I might be civil and then I would leave it, why send overly affectionate messages to the OP which is so misleading? Just a polite hi and chat about the weather in public is what I would do.

I totally agree that OP should not pursue the friendship though. Just for different reasons.

Being overly affectionate to me is bizarre if you are trying to put distance between you and the other person.

She cancelled play dates and stoped replying to messages.

It’s all there in the second paragraph. Op was choosing to ignore this. There is another side to this story and I would love to hear the friends POV because even just reading the posts and the determination not to let the friendship go makes me itch. You can’t force friendships.

Let this friendship die. It's not beneficial to you or your dd.

@Newchapterbeckons I'm totally not needy but my dd possible seems that way. She's had a difficult time.

I'd have let it go a long time ago if it wasn't for dd. I felt I was somehow letting her down not making an effort but it really is pointless and like @Londonrach1 said not beneficial to anyone.

When I say the messages were very affectionate I mean they were and it's a weird thing to do. I've just come to see it all as a bit of a fake act though.

She sounds quite fake and the type to use people. You need to protect yourself and even more so your daughter by keeping your distance and not reciprocating when she suddenly goes through a ‘friendly’ phase.

@EvergreenHouse I think you're right. She changed a lot when she started making friends with some women who took drugs (LSD) and they were quite new age. I don't really fit into that.Shes never admitted taking drugs but that is her closest group of friends now.

It could your friend is extremely fond of you and dd, but if her own dds won’t play with yours, for whatever reason, she has a duty to respect their decision.

I imagine she feels terrible and still misses you both possibly, it’s not black and white.

We have been the other side of this. My friends dd is autistic and she would either sit in silence, or tap continuously or behave very badly. She would pull on my dds arms or hold onto them for hours. It was too much for my children and we had to stop seeing them. One of my oldest friends. It was difficult as they relied on us, as her dd didn’t have any friends at school ( I guess because of similar behaviour) and my friend was very hurt. But she refused to eee how her dds behaviour impacted other children, and did very little to moderate it ( I think she herself maybe couldn’t see it as she was so used to it) it’s a very difficult situation for everyone.

She doesn't want to be friends because your DD is autistic. People like that are people best to avoid. Why would you want to remotely associate with a grown woman that is clearly staying away from you because of your daughter having autism? There is zero chance I would ever sent a message to her, send a gift to her kid, try to get your DD to play with theirs. Accept that she is an absolute bitch for judging your daughter and move on. Your DD should be championed and embraced. If people don't want to allow their kids to associate with her, their loss.

The best thing you can do - going back to your question is to block your old friend. Tell dd that friendship can change as time passes and it’s nothing to do with her or you. Keep her busy meeting new people, be honest about how her behaviour might impact others and she will find a tribe that is right for her. Is she still being bullied?

@Newchapterbeckons I can well understand that must be hard, dd's friend from her old school is very quiet and dd is quite chatty. They get along through their interests and both autistic. Dd is very chatty and does engage well with others, she has challenges sometimes around communication though.

@SandyWaves I agree, I do think the way my friend has behaved is due to dd's autism. Dd stims at home and I was always honest about it, I didn't see why I would hide it but I've learned that Inclusion is a nice idea but very few people really practice it.

Friend is in the "cool new age" group and probably wants to remain in that and no association of us. Her dds might feel the same way too. A combination of us growing apart and old fashioned prejudice.

It might be prejudice or it might be the girls are old enough to choose their own friends.

Its not necessarily small minded or unkind, they might find it unnerving or frightening if they are not used to stimming.
I would ask dd not to do that in front of others op, if she can. You have to appreciate for someone not used to it, it may be odd or concerning. You might feel it’s appropriate but it your aim is for people and other children to enjoy their visits it might be worth thinking about.

@Newchapterbeckons I think you have misread what I said, she stims at home and in private. She wouldn't stim in front of other people just because she's conscious of being judged.

I would say she acts "normal" with friends and out and about. Most people don't realise she's autistic. Not that it would be bad if they did! I have another friend whose boys stim all the time and it really isn't an issue to us.

@Newchapterbeckons The op wrote

the messages she sends are really affectionate (lots of kisses, we love you so much) but then nothing makes sense. She could easily just let it go so it's a bit strange

With all due respect this doesn't look like someone healthy trying to distance themselves !

I think your dd is stimming - as your friend refers to it as flapping at home.

In your friends messages she made reference to the stimming. I think this is at least part of it op.

I imagine your friend still cares, and wants to remain on good terms with you - you all go to the same school/parties/live in same area and that is why she is kind and affectionate on text because she recognises this is difficult for you and dd. But it’s not working for her own children.