Please help me decide what to do

[Jennybeans401]

I had a close friend whose dds were my dds best friend (from babies). Two years ago my dd was subject to bullying at school. The SENCO also felt she could be autistic and I mentioned this to my friend.

We were having a very difficult time with the school, dd was very unhappy there and i probably was quite "negative" at the time. Dd always loved the dds though of my friend and it made her so happy seeing them. I noticed though that my friend was often cancelling playdates and wouldn't reply to messages for ages. This got to a point where I had to point it out (I wasn't nasty) and she wrote some extremely nasty messages to me.

She excluded me and my dds from the tennis sessions run by my friend (my dd loved this group). Told us not to come back, the rest of the message was nasty too (I was taken aback). I never replied but we didn't see each other for a long time.

Sorry, trying to summarise for brevity! We saw them at a group activity in summer and my friend apologised and hugged me. She discussed meeting up and I text her a few times afterwards. Each time we were back to her cancelling or not replying so I left it.

She's sent the odd message here and there but then we bumped into them again last week at a friend's party. My dd was so happy to see my friends dds and went over to them (they are all 11 btw). My friend greeted me at this party though but I felt she avoided me so I stayed back. I did try to chat to her at one point as we were in the same room but she kind of turned away.

After this, my dd said friends dds hardly spoke to her and she seemed quite upset about it. My friend messaged straight after this party saying sorry she'd been catching up with someone she'd not seen for ages and how her dds loved seeing my dd.

Tbh I'm totally confused and don't feel she's genuine. My dd though really wants me to keep contact to see her friends. It's their birthday in a few weeks and dd wants to buy a gift. Dd blames me for this friendship dispute (I've never told dd about being excluded from the tennis group and the nastiness. I also didn't tell her that the mum removed dd as a friend on the chat app they had.i don't want her to be hurt).

Wwyd? AIBU in not wanting to continue trying with this situation? Dd hasxa phone but the girls aren't allowed one and the mum is quite controlling over them so it's not like they can just have a friendship without us.

The mother has shown very clearly that she’s at best a fair weather friend and probably a bit of a judgmental bitch. Kisses and protestations of love mean nothing if not backed up by action. It may have been to do with the autism, it may not. It doesn’t really matter because the bottom line is she is not someone on whom you can rely.

Your job is to guide your DDs through this. It’s hard losing your friend as an adult but as a child it’s so much harder because you have not developed the necessary social radar to deal with it and the boundaries to protect yourself.

You need to encourage your DD to read the social cues around this situation and gently to branch out and make other friends. It’s a hard lesson to learn but very important to learn how to centre yourself and prioritise your own emotional wellbeing.

Its a shit situation but there is a good learning opportunity here.

Totally agreed. Do you read the social cues op? Because someone repeatedly cancelling and not replying over a long period of time is very much a distancing method.

I feel so sorry, keep you head held high. You and your daughter sound amazing. Why should you hide anything about stimming etc, I am sure your daughter is proud. All the best x

@SandyWaves thank you, does just been to her Art club this morning and seems to feel much better.

We've just got to put the other friendship behind us now and look to better relationships in the future.

@Newchapterbeckons I've come to think of her as a hot and cold person. Posting on here has helped me realise she's not the person I remember her being in the past. Quite glad we can now see the words don't match her actions.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

It's really sad when people behave like this. Your friend sounds really cliquey and I also get the hunch that she knows she's not been very kind; hence the messages and shallow attempts at being friendly.

I hope your daughter finds some friends who have families who are a little more kind and down to earth.

It's really tricky but now she's 11 you won't need to do much more than facilitate a social life.

I wish you happier times

I am sorry she has let you down, and not the decent friend you thought she was. I hope dd can move on as well, now she has experienced a lovely friendship in her early years she knows now what she is looking for in the future.
Many friendships simply don’t go the distance op, in reality, most will fall by the wayside as the children make new friends, develop interests etc. Your dd sounds like a happy chatty child and this gives her an advantage in the future.

Sorry OP I hadn't followed up with your previous response.Just seen this and think it's a good idea to move forward and not rely on this person in the future.Friendships do change over time anyway and my dcs have found this out (some of their childhood friends don't speak to them now they are teens).

Stay strong and hope things are better in the future!