to expect emotional support from DH?

[JavaQ]

Maybe in even asking this,I already know the answer but I feel a bit alone and want your perspective.

My darling mother isn't well (widow, and lives a long haul flight away). I spoke to her this morning, and after hanging up, went to get breakfast but started quietly crying in the kitchen. (D)H asked what was wrong. I said "mum's not well". He just stood there. Didnt say anything. Didnt give me a hug. Just asked me what she had (I think), and then nothing. Just walked off into a separate room.

What "love language" is THAT?
What use is a spouse if they don't support you in your lowest moments?

Awww. I'm sorry your mum isn't well and that your husband is so unsupportive. X

what does she have?

Perhaps he thinks you’re going to want to fly off and leave him to look after himself. Whatever his problem is, he should be supporting you.

Can I ask what the illness is?

“mum’s not well”

”what’s up?”

”a cold”

oh

You see Op the actual illness is relevant

I think he should have hugged you, but it's normal to ask what is wrong.

There's a big difference between a cold and cancer.

Did you answer his question when he asked you what illness she has?

Recurring chest pain and shortness of breath. I think it is a pulmonary thromboembolism. Mum's now on asprin, in case. Definitely not a cold.
He was told this.
I understand the need for you to judge if I am being unreasonably sensitive or crying wolf.
It's funny what we all expect from marriage. I had hoped for kindness and emotional support....in a form I can recognise and works for me.

how’s the marriage otherwise?

. I think it is a pulmonary thromboembolism. bloody. hell. really?

Yes you partner needs to support you in the way you need be it a hug, a cup of tea and a knowing smile or to leave you in peace but he needs to ask/learn and do what you need.

So yes I would be upset

I completely agree with you OP, his response was very cold. Even if he had no words of comfort the least he could do is hug you

How are his parents? Are they both alive and in good health?

You must miss her OP, I’m sorry he didn’t comfort you. Sending a hand hold x

I’m sorry, OP.
Posters saying the illness is relevant are missing the point.
You were visibly upset.

Anyone asking what exactly is wrong with your mum is missing the point. You were upset and that's the point. Emotional support isn't something we reason out and then distribute as we see fit. If we do that, we are ultimately saying we get to decide who has a right to feel what, and in what measure, and then decide if they deserve our support. Which is absolutely not how it should be in a loving relationship

Rather, it's about standing with our loved ones in their feelings and showing we're there for them. He didn't do that for you and I'm sorry - and I'm so sorry about your mum, too.

Well I would not cry over that particular ailment and I’d think someone was slightly strange for doing so.

Sorry op. Just my thoughts

How long have you been married and is he usually supportive? Perhaps your Dh has something going on (too). Maybe you should also be thinking, “his remoteness was a little odd, I wonder what’s up” and checking in with him to make sure he’s ok?

along the lines, “this morning I was upset about mum and you seemed to be a million miles away. What’s going on?”

On the other hand if this behaviour is typical of your dh, then you are jus setting yourself up for disappointment expecting him to behave differently.

I would honestly try telling him “when I’m crying, it really helps to have a hug and a few minutes of your attention to reassure me until I’m back on top of my emotions. Do you think that’s something you can do in future?”

and if not, well you have your answer about the state of your marriage I think

@Quitelikeit I don't know if asking "would I react in that exact way" is the right way to decide "shall I show my support for someone I love"... surely we are all entitled to our own emotions and to support for them.

Seriously??

I know who I think is strange this scenario, and it's not OP.

if I, as the Op, really thought my mother had a pulmonary thromboembolism I wouldn’t be crying. I’d be begging my
mother to go back to hospital and i’d be conte ring other family other there to see if anyone can help out immediately

Sorry you're so far away from your mum when she's poorly. I would have tried to comfort you in whatever way I could, even as a friend, let alone partner.

Is she going to emergency??? Isn't that deadly??

My husband lacks emotional intelligence at times , if I want a hug I have to ask for it it just doesn’t come naturally to him and before me he didn’t really have a long term / full time relationship so lacks the experience I suppose

Why isn't she in hospital?

yes unless treated very quickly

which is the part i am baffled about. To expect your mother has a life threatening and very quickly progressing condition and not to be all guns blazing with anyone you know out there and pleading with your mother to go back to hospital.

Instead peeved with your husband and starting a mumsnet thread 😐