to expect emotional support from DH?

[JavaQ]

Maybe in even asking this,I already know the answer but I feel a bit alone and want your perspective.

My darling mother isn't well (widow, and lives a long haul flight away). I spoke to her this morning, and after hanging up, went to get breakfast but started quietly crying in the kitchen. (D)H asked what was wrong. I said "mum's not well". He just stood there. Didnt say anything. Didnt give me a hug. Just asked me what she had (I think), and then nothing. Just walked off into a separate room.

What "love language" is THAT?
What use is a spouse if they don't support you in your lowest moments?

If it was a PE she'd be in hospital

exactly

so the OP throwing that out there like it’s not a big deal would indicate maybe a tendency to be dramatic, and perhaps the DH is acutely aware of this

People don't usually cry about a cold. Read the post

Do you even know what it is?

yes

i asked the question and she responded

op made no reference to what it was hence me asking

Bit of a reach there, if you ask me...

You don’t understand what a pulmonary embolism is then!

I do, thanks. What I mean is you seem determined to believe OP is either exaggerating or lying. IMO that is a bit of a reach.

Op, is she in hospital?
I agree that to quietly cry in the kitchen instead of panicking and trying to make your mum go to A&E is an odd reaction. It’s a medical emergency.
whats your relationship usually like?

This will be one of many issues in this marriage i suspect. Indeed the Op was very upset but instead of going to her husband and telling him… she decided to go and make breakfast and cry quietly. That sound healthy to you?

and all i was doing was presenting the possibility that someone who throws in that they think their mother probably has a pulmonary embolism… is perhaps one that the DH of whom has had experience of the OP having similarly bleak suspicions but ultimately not being the case at all and given the marriage may generally be poor, can’t work up the energy to fake sympathy

if you do understand what a pulmonary embolism is, you would understand that going off to make breakfast, cry quietly and start a mumsnet thread about it… is a somewhat, muted response

This is what killed my mum. There's no way they think she has that and gave her some aspirin and that's it, would they? If they had known my mum had it, they may have been able to save her. As it was she got diagnosed with asthma the day before she died. I suspect because she said her breathlessness was worse around her dog.

I suspect Op or Mum had a habit of massively over exaggerating. Perhaps a medical professional has raised it as the Ops mum being higher risk.

It could also be that the husband knows that entertaining this makes it worse not better. Maybe he has seen Op upset over her mums drama alot and knows not to indulge it.

Or he is a dick. On threads like these I don't know how anyone can say definitely either way. Op isn't going to say that she often over exaggerates medical problems. Or that her mother does and she falls for it and her husband is at the end of his tether with it all.

It's really difficult to judge.

We don't have enough context from OP's posts to establish the full picture of what's happening with her mum. For all we know OP could have been crying because she wanted her mum to go to A&E and her mum was refusing, for example.

We certainly don't have enough context to randomly conclude that OP must be making it up or lying, which is what you seem to be implying.

Except OP says she was crying before any conversation about her mum happened. Her husband walked into the kitchen to her crying. So clearly it's not just a cold is it🙄 He absolutely should have hugged her first. I'm sorry OP

Sine you were making breakfast and crying did he think that you wanted to just get on with things and that hugging you would have made things worse

When I'm upset I like to be let alone to think through what's destabilising me.

Did you communicate what you needed from your husband or just hoping he'll guess right?

@JavaQ massive squishes and fingers crossed for your mums health showing improvement.

whats his normal levels of affection.

What’s he like when you are ill.

Some people - women included - are clueless with What to do at times like this. I will admit I just tell mine now if I want a cuddle/him to just listen to a rant and not problem solve etc.

Let him know how you’d like him to support you for future.

you said it

we don’t have enough context

so why should i automatically conclude the DH is failing to support his wife? Rather than just “there there you’re right Op”… we are discussing the scenario presented in… AIBU?

A close loving marriage and you have bad news and your husband is in the house?

most would find him in the house and tell him immediately what’s happened? yes

A generally unhappy marriage with a long history of anger, sadness, arguments and you have bad news and your husband is in the house? The Op put the phone down and starts making breakfast and crying quietly and then starts a mumsnet thread about her husbands response

clearly the context of this marriage is not remotely a happy one. hence me not automatically assuming the DH is a dick

That’s awful. I’d be wondering what kind of marriage I was in yes if my husband didn’t even give me a hug when crying. I give staff at work a hug (or a friendly hand on their shoulder depending) if I see them crying so I’d certainly give a partner a hug

most would find him in the house and tell him immediately what’s happened? yes

Not necessarily, no. Some might have a perfectly normal and understandable emotional response first (eg crying), and maybe feel in shock. They may need a moment before sharing the news. Sometimes speaking the reality out loud feels overwhelming as it makes it real. OP's response is well within the realms of normal in this scenario. The husbands is not. To see the person you love in tears and not immediately try to offer physical comfort in the form of a hug, to me, is not OK.

I say this gently, but if your mum has a PE she needs to be in hospital urgently.

You say you think this is what she has but has she been told that? Or are you googling and thinking that?

I'm not medical but I've spent a lot of time in hospitals with two parents who both had serious heart and lung problems. Chest pain and breathlessness needs to be properly investigated.

I realise I'm missing the point of the thread!

I don't think the OP is coming back.

He saw you crying because your mum has a cold. I wouldn't give you sympathy either.
Talk to him like an adult.

Wouldn't it be great if people read the OP's posts before posting ....

Recurring chest pain and shortness of breath. I think it is a pulmonary thromboembolism. Mum's now on asprin, in case. Definitely not a cold.