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AIBU?

To be absolutely furious with this twat?

56 replies

Thearenaoftheunwell · 19/01/2024 08:41

In a nutshell…
it’s been around 5 months since I’ve slept. Dramatic as it sounds, I have one child with SEN that causes insomnia, temporary custody of a toddler and a career that causes all sorts of mayhem to a circadian rhythm.
I haven’t had more than 2-3 hours in one go for about 5 months.
Unusual as it seems, the morning routine with SEN child is about as easy as it gets, he’s chronically hungry and loves predictability and routine so all you do is go into his room with his breakfast, flick the telly on and use that 15 mins to have a wee and coffee yourself and then once he’s finished eating you attack him wet wipes and chuck his clothes on. He’s largely compliant as long as you’re willing to talk Minecraft while you’re doing it.
It’s been programmed to a fine art. It’s completely drama free.
DH yesterday, after I’ve had a bit of a wobbler last night agreed to do the morning today. So lovely of him to let me just stay in bed asleep as a rare treat. I’ve been so tired I’ve been hallucinating and definitely in danger of having some sort of breakdown.
toddler is not here for 2 days.I had two glasses of wine and a Benadryl and took myself to bed in anticipation of an actual full sleep.
7:15 am.
’babe! Where’s his swim kit?’
’babe where’s his socks?’
’babe what trousers should he have today?’
’babe I’ve wiped his arse and brushed his teeth but he won’t let me sort his hair out’…
for fucks sake.
its a magenta coloured towel, its on the chair, the swim pants and hat were literally on top of it it could be seen from the other end of the fucking landing!
he has fucking autism with the sensory quirks, there are 44 pairs of identical socks in the top drawer of the only chest of drawers he has.
he wears black leggings, every single fucking day. He has 8 identical pairs, pick a bloody pair!
no one gives a shiny shit what his hair looks like. He has an ECHP and a carer, take a wet wipe and smooth it down to one side so it looks like we’ve tried. Anything more than this is likely to get you bitten or head butted anyway.
yes I’m furious, 4 units of alcohol and a Benadryl just to be woken up for this arbitrary shit that should have been so pissing obvious.
Of course I’m awake now. I had to drink a coffee to get going so I won’t be able to sleep. I begged this man to let me sleep today I absolutely begged him not to disturb me. I have the toddler back tomorrow it’ll be 3 weeks before I can beg for sleep again.
he sleeps all fucking weekend.
sorry. I had to write this down so I didn’t kick off at him.
please suggest something good to watch on Netflix since I’m so bloody awake anyway. TIA

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

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BelindaOkra · 19/01/2024 08:53

What’s dh’s usual routine? He needs to let you sleep all weekend.

My eldest is severely disabled and sleep was a prized possession for many years in this house but dh wasn’t fresh as a daisy while I was on my knees. Dh needs to do his bit

Rorymyers · 19/01/2024 08:56

Ugh soo annoyed for you. You and DH should have gone over routine for the morning before the morning because most DHs are useless when it comes to getting kids ready and will ask a 100 questions no matter what.

But knowing how you struggle with sleep then no YANBU. He should have figured it out with his god given brains and eyes.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 19/01/2024 08:57

He’s a twat!

why are you at the point if a nervous breakdown and he is sleeping all weekend?


take yourself off somewhere for a couple of days and leave him to it.


is he the father of these children?

Thedogscollar · 19/01/2024 08:57

Bloody hell OP why are some men so clueless when it comes to basic things like dressing their own child. It's not exactly rocket science.
You deserve a weekend at a Premier Inn. Let the dh experience what you do day in day out.
Why does he sleep all weekend? He sounds useless.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 19/01/2024 08:59

I have sympathy, my DH is the same.
One diabetic child one teen with a moderate learning disability & autism whose only words at the moment are "fuck off!"
I would love a lie in, but DH is that useless that he does the same and constantly asks where things are, what does he do next etc. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Shall we bury both of the them in a garden somewhere? GrinWine

Go back to sleep op!

LittleOwl153 · 19/01/2024 09:00

Your next sleep opportunity needs to be at a hotel. Alone. Dh will then step up with dc as he'll have no choice.

Don't let him get away with this it sounds like strategic incompetence to me. Especially if he is happy to see you in your knees whilst he sleeps the weekend away.

Whose responsibility is the toddler? Maybe DH or the parents or someone else needs to take a turn there too so that you can catch up?

Amd I understand not kicking off at him - but you do need to sit him down and make him understand that he destroyed your only option of sleep and that he needs to stop doing that if he expects you to keep all the plates spinning normally.

Thearenaoftheunwell · 19/01/2024 09:01

@BelindaOkra exactly this. His job is far more demanding than mine, he has to be ‘with it’ and I’m privileged to have short days and a ‘sit infront of a computer’ role most of the time so I’m happy to do most of the care with DS and DGC. But once in a while it wouldn’t kill him to just do that morning routine for me. It’s easy enough. I can’t believe he couldn’t cope tbh. I’ve clearly been too accommodating. It’s caused me so much stress this morning. I’m simultaneously groggy and angry. He’s generally lovely to live with and kind but this weaponised incompetence infuriates me. it really wasn’t hard.

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 19/01/2024 09:05

Thearenaoftheunwell · 19/01/2024 09:01

@BelindaOkra exactly this. His job is far more demanding than mine, he has to be ‘with it’ and I’m privileged to have short days and a ‘sit infront of a computer’ role most of the time so I’m happy to do most of the care with DS and DGC. But once in a while it wouldn’t kill him to just do that morning routine for me. It’s easy enough. I can’t believe he couldn’t cope tbh. I’ve clearly been too accommodating. It’s caused me so much stress this morning. I’m simultaneously groggy and angry. He’s generally lovely to live with and kind but this weaponised incompetence infuriates me. it really wasn’t hard.

No his job isn’t more demanding than yours, you have to manage a disabled kid and a toddler and if you are this tired you’ll not be able to do that.
stop making excuses for him and do something about it. He must have time off work, then you sleep.

googoodoll22 · 19/01/2024 09:07

I think you've hit the nail on the head with weaponised/strategic incompetence. He's using it as an excuse to deprive you of rest for whatever reason. I often use the phrase performative incompetence to my dh because I swear he loudly and deliberately does stuff wrong just so I'll intervene and take over.

Sleep deprivation is torture. I agree that you should book a hotel. Make yourself unavailable. He will cope for a night surely. If you don't sort this soon then you'll be no use to anyone.

Thearenaoftheunwell · 19/01/2024 09:09

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats we can’t kill them. I need him to pay his half of the mortgage 🤣 it was touch and go this morning though, there’s a box of tools out because we’re renovating… the hammer was talking to me. Dh is 6’7 and about 23 stone though, be a nightmare trying to dispose of that post murder 🤣
if I didn’t have the school run later I’d finish that bottle of wine and pass out infront of the tv.
sadly, I have to be normal instead.
might order a dirty takeaway though and binge watch something.
you did make me laugh. I’m sorry you deal with the same shit but I welcome the solidarity.x

OP posts:
GreySantaRabbit · 19/01/2024 09:10

The calling me Babe would have pissed me off let alone his deliberate incompetence! If he can hold down a job he can certainly get one child dressed in the morning!

It really infuriates me when (usually) men pull the "I'm so useless you'd be better doing it yourself" card.

Reallybadidea · 19/01/2024 09:17

A more demanding job is not a get out of jail free card. He needs to step up and take some of the sleep-deprivation from you. Frankly, it's going to be more difficult for him work-wise if you crash the car through tiredness or have a breakdown.

I hope you can recharge a bit today Flowers

edissa · 19/01/2024 09:22

why are you at the point if a nervous breakdown and he is sleeping all weekend?


This!!! Why oh why?

edissa · 19/01/2024 09:25

When I voiced to my DP that I was close to hallucinating from lack of sleep with our non sleeping toddler, he stepped in and did the night wakes 50/50 so I could recharge. He let me lie in on weekends. He sent me upstairs for a bath and early night wherever he could so I could refill my cup.

DP also has a very demanding physical job, where him not being alert could put him at risk of physical harm (as do I, we are in the same boat there). He still did it, though, because he didn't want to see his partner, mother of his child and woman he loves have a total breakdown.

MonsteraMama · 19/01/2024 09:32

Time for you to take a weekend off I think, and for him to pull his finger out of his arsehole and actually be a parent. It's absurd that he's continuing on happy as Larry snoozing the weekends away while his significant other is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It's disgusting, actually. Joking about it to make it bearable is one thing, but he's actually pathetic and embarrassing. I really, truly wish women would stop putting up with this sort of shit from men.

Book a hotel for the weekend and turn your phone off. Seriously.

edissa · 19/01/2024 09:34

So lovely of him to let me just stay in bed asleep as a rare treat

I honestly wouldn't put this under the category of "lovely of him". Buying you flowers or a box of chocolates, yeah sure, that's lovely of him.

But "allowing" his wife who hasn't slept for 5 months and is close to mental illness as a result, to sleep in for one day when you look after the child on all of the other days? I'm sorry but that's not "lovely of him" - that's still less than he bloody well should be doing to just pull his half of the parenting weight.

Why is the bar for men so low? Depressing.

trippily · 19/01/2024 09:35

You need to raise your standards. Why does he get to sleep every weekend?

thecatsthecats · 19/01/2024 09:38

Oof, I feel for you.

Not in the same league, but my son is three months old, and I snatched a rare bath the other day. Baby was chilled out asleep with my husband after screaming in pain most of the day with his jabs, and my husband at the football...

Only for my idiot husband to answer the door when the neighbour knocked.... Whhhhhy? My poor son ended up wailing again. My husband's excuse was that "he thought the knocking might wake him"... Well you getting up definitely was going to wake him in the circumstances, FFS.

So my bath was punctuated by him howling for comfort.

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/01/2024 09:40

edissa · 19/01/2024 09:34

So lovely of him to let me just stay in bed asleep as a rare treat

I honestly wouldn't put this under the category of "lovely of him". Buying you flowers or a box of chocolates, yeah sure, that's lovely of him.

But "allowing" his wife who hasn't slept for 5 months and is close to mental illness as a result, to sleep in for one day when you look after the child on all of the other days? I'm sorry but that's not "lovely of him" - that's still less than he bloody well should be doing to just pull his half of the parenting weight.

Why is the bar for men so low? Depressing.

You didn't realise that the "so lovely of him.. " comment was DRIPPING with sarcasm?😆

Thearenaoftheunwell · 19/01/2024 09:41

@VickyEadieofThigh Dripping? It was pickled in it 🤣

OP posts:
edissa · 19/01/2024 09:44

Ok hahaha hilarious it was sarcasm.

Doesn't change the fact this man is doing the fucking bare minimum to support his wife who's by her own admission at the point of mental health issues from lack of sleep. I don't personally find that quite so hilarious but each to their own 👍🏻

edissa · 19/01/2024 09:46

OP you haven't answered mine and a few other posters' questions - why do you allow him to do nothing? To the point you're so chronically sleep deprived? Why do you not split the nights / mornings with your husband?

edissa · 19/01/2024 09:47

It's absurd that he's continuing on happy as Larry snoozing the weekends away while his significant other is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It's disgusting, actually. Joking about it to make it bearable is one thing, but he's actually pathetic and embarrassing. I really, truly wish women would stop putting up with this sort of shit from men.

👏🏻👏🏻

Royalbloo · 19/01/2024 09:47

This is partly why my ex is my ex - such drama!

Thearenaoftheunwell · 19/01/2024 09:49

@edissa no. You’re absolutely right. It’s a fucking ridiculous situation and while it’s probably cathartic to joke about it, it’s actually a serious issue. It feels like I’m at a tipping point now and I’m going to try and change things somehow. Loving PP suggestions of just disappearing to a hotel. This could happen….

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