To be absolutely furious with this twat?

[Thearenaoftheunwell]

In a nutshell…
it’s been around 5 months since I’ve slept. Dramatic as it sounds, I have one child with SEN that causes insomnia, temporary custody of a toddler and a career that causes all sorts of mayhem to a circadian rhythm.
I haven’t had more than 2-3 hours in one go for about 5 months.
Unusual as it seems, the morning routine with SEN child is about as easy as it gets, he’s chronically hungry and loves predictability and routine so all you do is go into his room with his breakfast, flick the telly on and use that 15 mins to have a wee and coffee yourself and then once he’s finished eating you attack him wet wipes and chuck his clothes on. He’s largely compliant as long as you’re willing to talk Minecraft while you’re doing it.
It’s been programmed to a fine art. It’s completely drama free.
DH yesterday, after I’ve had a bit of a wobbler last night agreed to do the morning today. So lovely of him to let me just stay in bed asleep as a rare treat. I’ve been so tired I’ve been hallucinating and definitely in danger of having some sort of breakdown.
toddler is not here for 2 days.I had two glasses of wine and a Benadryl and took myself to bed in anticipation of an actual full sleep.
7:15 am.
’babe! Where’s his swim kit?’
’babe where’s his socks?’
’babe what trousers should he have today?’
’babe I’ve wiped his arse and brushed his teeth but he won’t let me sort his hair out’…
for fucks sake.
its a magenta coloured towel, its on the chair, the swim pants and hat were literally on top of it it could be seen from the other end of the fucking landing!
he has fucking autism with the sensory quirks, there are 44 pairs of identical socks in the top drawer of the only chest of drawers he has.
he wears black leggings, every single fucking day. He has 8 identical pairs, pick a bloody pair!
no one gives a shiny shit what his hair looks like. He has an ECHP and a carer, take a wet wipe and smooth it down to one side so it looks like we’ve tried. Anything more than this is likely to get you bitten or head butted anyway.
yes I’m furious, 4 units of alcohol and a Benadryl just to be woken up for this arbitrary shit that should have been so pissing obvious.
Of course I’m awake now. I had to drink a coffee to get going so I won’t be able to sleep. I begged this man to let me sleep today I absolutely begged him not to disturb me. I have the toddler back tomorrow it’ll be 3 weeks before I can beg for sleep again.
he sleeps all fucking weekend.
sorry. I had to write this down so I didn’t kick off at him.
please suggest something good to watch on Netflix since I’m so bloody awake anyway. TIA

I begged this man to let me sleep today I absolutely begged him not to disturb me.

This also stood out to me. I don't have to beg my partner for support, I only have to say once "I'm really struggling at the moment, can you take over please". And I can consider it done.

I cannot imagine a world where i'd need to "absolutely beg" not to be woken while my DP took care of our child.

Why do you need to go to a hotel, though? Would your DH not respond to a serious discussion about the toll this is taking on you, and that you need him to pull his weight (not "help", he's not helping you by parenting his own child is he). If you explained clearly that you need him to start splitting the night wakings and mornings with you before you have a total breakdown, and that means he needs to fully take the reigns and not wake you / involve you. Can you sleep with earplugs in so your child doesn't wake you too when it's DH's turn? That's what I do, works really well.

I just don't understand why, in a healthy marriage where two people care about each others welfare, you can't discuss this and tell him what you need from him without disappearing to a hotel. You said he's a good man in other ways - surely he doesn't want to see you either having a breakdown or going off to a hotel for the evening? My partner wouldn't. The second I packed my bags he'd be like can we not talk about this, what do you need from me? Etc.

I obviously don't know your relationship but it's not clear why this is happening or why your DH is so intent on doing the minimum.

He isn't kind, he is actually nasty

You have to beg him for a basic human right
He sleeps all weekend while you sort everything
He can't look after his own child for one hour

Despite the begging, He actually did what you begged him not to do anyway

Its not a partnership if one of the couple is on their knees doing things for the family and the other just...isn't.

You really are not taking his complete disdain for you anywhere seriously enough

you need to book into a hotel

Why is he sleeping all weekend? Does he work weekends? His days off should be your chance to get some sleep

Weaponised incompetence needs to be called out for what it is in the strongest possible terms. My Dp learned pretty quickly to stop asking me how the washing machine works, you have to nip that shit in the bud

Ahhh weaponised incompetence.

Probably his way of never having to do it again because it was more hassle than help.

Book a weekend away with a friend and leave him to it.

I would be bloody furious if I were you. It’s also pretty dangerous for you all for you to keep going at this level of lack of sleep if you have reached the point of hallucinating.

Can you book into a nearby cheap hotel? And actually for 2 nights, not 1? I would need at least 36/48 hours off because I find that it’s partly worrying about the next thing and then the next thing which affects my sleep too. Having a day in the middle of 2 nights alone, during which you have no responsibilities, is key.

Awww there was a thread similar to this a few weeks ago where the woman was promised a lie in and the dad just decided to stay with her while the kids were playing up/shouting to be seen to so nobody got any rest😂idiot.

Can you get signed off work for a while, put toddler in nursery for a couple of days a week and uses those days to sleep and reset?

Ahh @Thearenaoftheunwell my heart actually broke for you reading this 😢
Sounds so tough. If financially possible, definitely consider booking a hotel next time.
Also a serious talk with your husband re sharing the workload more fairly.

he sleeps all fucking weekend.

That needs to change starting this weekend. One day for you, one for him. Then do this every weekend going forward. Since he fucked it up with dealing with one child he now gets the joy of having a toddler added into the mix.

This sounds so unfair. I'm so sorry! You will absolutely make yourself seriously ill if things go on like this. I totally agree with those who have said that he doesn't have a more demanding job, as your job is currently childcare+paid work and that seems to be much more demanding than just his job. He isn't the one on the edge of a nervous breakdown, is he, which tells you all you need to know about how demanding your respective situations are.

This is clearly a straw that broke situation. I'd get signed off with stress for a week, take myself somewhere for a few days of proper rest (parents', sympathetic friend's, hotel, whatever is most possible) and then once you are better rested, sit down and have a serious chat about sharing the load more evenly going forward. He can use some days' leave to care for the kids while you are recuperating.

Only help I can offer is I have a space ready under my patio should you require it 😂

On Netflix I recommend either a David Attenborough narrated nature documentary or the Life on our Planet or Our Universe series narrated by Morgan Freeman. Not for staying awake but for falling asleep.
Sorry your husband is a twat.

Strike strike strike strike strike! Tell him you’re dangerously close to a nervous break down or mental health episode and to avoid you being permanently unable to care for everyone in the family you have to temporarily be unable to care for everyone in the family. Find a budget hotel and disappear for 2 nights. You’ll come back a new woman and he’ll gain a better appreciation of all you’ve been doing and hopefully become more capable of doing at least one morning independently.

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like your having a really hard time. At the minimum he needs to do at least one of the weekend days and let you sleep in, if not both.

Assuming your son is his child he needs to step up. He's not "doing you a favour" by doing a morning, it's called being a parent.

I agree with other posters that it sounds like you need a night away (or a whole week!) in a hotel.

Out of interest when he has annual leave does he do his far share? Or are you always the "main" parent?

If he does step up, I recommend not having alcohol before your proper sleep. Whilst it does make you sleepy, it actually stops you having well rested sleep so is a bit counter productive.

As someone who has suffered with insomnia for a long time, I find rescue remedy works well, a podcast like "Nothing Much Happens" which is specially designed to help you sleep, and if its cold a warm wheat bag.

Why is this incompetent idiot sleeping all weekend?

Oh love, like another PP above I have a child with health issues which means not a lot of sleep for me and I understand exactly how tired you must be, and your situation is far harder than mine. My DH also has a super demanding job with long hours and needing to be on so I take the nights, but the understanding is that he then does the mornings before work and weekend mornings too, so I at least can catch up on some sleep then. You taking the nights is one thing but that doesn't mean you have to do everything else too. I would be absolutely fuming about this morning - he is absolutely capable, it was just easier for him if you helped. But it would be a bloody massive amount easier for you if he helped too. I hope this is a catalyst for change and that you can redraw the boundaries of what's okay, and get at least a night in a hotel thrown in there too. You need this, and it is literally the least he can do. Sending you a huge hug

Havnt you got a work trip coming up, OP? Involving 1-2 nights away at a hotel? 😉 book your self in and let him manage even for one morning

I would reccomend fucking off to a travel lodge. Big soft beds. Huge brekkies. Baths. Cheap bills.

Tell him you're popping out and don't come back for a couple of days. Report yourself to the police as a missing person and that you expect to be found once you've retrieved your sanity. (This will prevdntbthem from wadting your time. They won't reveal your whereabouts inlesd you say thry can.)

Once he's worked put what you put up with, make sure he keeps his end up.

sorry. I had to write this down so I didn’t kick off at him.

What would happen if you did kick off?

This is the sort of thing you read about being the final straw when deciding a relationship is over.

Well the solution is simple, divorce the man child who is entirely incompetent, send your actual child to him EOW and have as much sleep as you need, and sort out respite care for the toddler you’re caring for.

He needs to practice being a parent again tomorrow morning. Until he can manage it independently it's his turn.

He,s not lovely or nice to live with though is he? He’s happy to see his partner making herself ill while he lies in bed. He allows that. He believes he deserves it. And you don’t. He doesn’t even like you to think like that, let alone love you. He’s vile.