To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

[aseekingseeker]

This is, I appreciate, a very sensitive subject. I love my children, more than anything, but I'm finding it increasingly sad and frustrating that they don't seem to want to do as well as they could do, or go the extra mile.

I also realise that this is most definitely a First World Problem but we have very close friends, including children at similar ages and two of their 3 kids go to the same school as my children (aged 15 and 11). I know you can't know for sure, but we have shared lots of info so I know that our children are of a similar intelligence but theirs just seem to want to go the extra mile and excel. Their kids work so, so hard, and are always perfectly behaved and turned out. I know comparing like this never does any good but I just can't help it.

My two kids attend an academic school and are doing very well, but never quite excelling. My youngest, in particular is very, very bright and would easily score highly without any revision. We do encourage working hard and revising but they have so far not been to pick up the prizes at the end of the year, I think, because both kids have a 'bare minimum' stance when it comes to homework (to be fair, I don't think they care about prizes, it's me, but I just don't get why they wouldn't care - that's what gets me). They both have very high predictions but don't work enough or in the right way to hit these targets. I've always been trying to get involved but they're very much 'we want to do it our way'.

Neither of my two want to go to extracurriculars such as creative writing, debating, politics etc etc. They dabble in sport.

The other family (and in fact we know two) basically have 3 kids who ALWAYS go the extra mile, who are ALWAYS polite (I don't think in the ten years we've known them, these kids have ever put their foot wrong or lost their temper), who ALWAYS look smartly turned out, not a shirt ever needed to be tucked in (unlike my two!).

I know these kids well and they are clearly bright but, honestly, I don't think smarter than our kids (or others in their respective year groups) but they work so, so hard and achieve accordingly - all three of them! Basically across the board. If their mum asks them to go to a club or do something, they do it. They don't watch telly and certainly don't do gaming/phone in the week. I don't think they have time tbh as they work so hard.

Don't get me wrong, my children are generally polite (to others at least) and we have lots of fun, but I continually get push back, especially from the eldest who is very much turning into a 'teenager'.

I just wish I could bottle what the other family are doing. I do feel I have 'failed' in some respects and although I love the other families, I sometimes wish had friends who were less 'perfect'. I know that's probably completely U-N-R-E-A-S-O-N-A-B-L-E.

For context, the other family have a couple of teacher grandparents (on either side), including a secondary teacher in STEM, who are very involved with their grandkids and do most of the after-school care as both parents are working. So I'm sure there is something in that which helps but it can't be everything. And it's not a 'cultural' thing either; nor is it a family that use threats etc, they're super calm.

What am I doing wrong?

How do I make my children WANT to work hard, look smart etc (both DH and I dress smartly and care how we are turned out, and we both work hard - including when we were at school - although I work p/t during school hours).

I'm not sure compliance is something to aspire to

I was a coaster and just got by. Seems perfectly sensible to me. You optimise the output for the reward desired. Once someone was paying me to work, that was very different. I have worked very hard and I think I would be considered very successful.

The fact that I'm on mumsnet during the day should tell you about my ongoing attitude in these matters. But I own my own company and earn well (much more than the much vaunted £100k, but also part time). Seems to me that your kids may well be the smart ones here.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

Your kids are fine! You are over-thinking this.

I have one kid that is super sporty and in all the football teams and obsessed with training. His grades are always 7-9. He's also really naughty and gets into a lot of trouble. My other kid is musical and creative and won a bunch of prizes at the end of the year but is also a right lazer! She struggles with friendships and I'd love her to finally find 'her tribe'. Both of them are great, they are fun, kind, caring and very individual, both flawed but also amazing but also give me sleepless nights worrying sometimes! Isn't that what parenting is? I wouldn't want some boring perfect robot kid anyway.

Please don’t compare them to others. It’s unfair to them and to you.

I am sure it has already been said but I will repeat it:

If you feel as if they’re consistently underperforming- especially if they score reasonably well without the expected effort - you might want to consider looking into ADHD.

I functioned well enough outwardly (good grades, no class disturbances etc) which meant that it wasn’t picked up until my early 20ies (when I definitely wasn’t functioning anymore).

edit: I am not saying that everybody who prefers to coast, is a bit messy, doesn’t care about prizes or has an untucked shirt must have adhd. Not at all.

A bit off topic but is this an ADHD trait? I did really well at school without trying (at all really) then hit a wall at university when I didn't study and messed it all up. I strongly suspect I have ADHD.

If you feel as if they’re consistently underperforming- especially if they score reasonably well without the expected effort - you might want to consider looking into ADHD.

Exactly. It sounds like your kids are happy, healthy, unstressed and have no major challenges in school or life, and their mother can afford to work part time so she's at home with them after school - you should really count your blessings OP. You never know what might happen in future, so this should be a time of happiness and contentment for you.
So many people would be deeply envious of your setup - if they compared their lives to it, so really try to appreciate your dcs as they are.

Your kids sounds like normal kids which is a good thing! Let them be untidy, do things that make them happy etc, it’s their childhood. Are the other children happy or just desperate to impress their parents?

My granny wrote me a letter in my late teens telling me never to compare myself with others there will always be those better off and those worse off than you and it leads to unhappiness. Your kids sound great!

Dh, I and dd1 are all hard working go the extra mile academic swot types. Dd2 isn’t. But she is creative has the best social skills of anyone I’ve ever met is the most popular teen in town. She will be fine. But I’ve had to reassess my parenting. She flatly refused to do the duke of Edinburgh award for example that all my friends worthy teens did (“why the hell would I want to walk around fields with strangers”).

You should love your kids for who they are
I have a severely disabled child so will.never be independent
And 17 year old who us a kind caring lovely young man who is not academic in the slightest he was critically ill.last year a couple of months before his GCSE,s started that put everything in to perspective ( thankfully he recovered)
Exams are not the be all and end all

It can be. It obviously also depends on your natural abilities, interests etc.

I was lucky that my talents / interests carried me through high school and to university (and also some university classes). But I was messing it up - horribly / repeatedly - before my diagnosis.

I was incredibly lucky (!!) to go to a therapist who is specialised in adhd and adhd in women / girls who brought up a the possibility of adhd and referred me to other specialists.

I remember her repeatedly stressing that it’s important for women / girls to go to people who genuinely understand how adhd can present in us.

the diagnosis was life changing for me. Not “just” academically / professionally.

Did I read that right? You can’t understand why they don’t give a shit about winning prizes at school ?! Maybe because it doesn’t matter ?!!

Thank you - I need to get a diagnosis but will have to go private (already on the five year NHS waiting list) and can't afford it atm. Food for thought!

I refused that - for exactly that reason - as a teen and my kids have followed in my footsteps! Your DD sounds very sensible!

I’m not in the UK, so different situation. But I still went private. One reason being the wait times, an other one being the issue of experts with adhd in women / “intelligent” (yep, that’s a loaded term…) women.

but I do understand that it’s expensive (I was lucky enough to have parents who paid for it).

there are however many adhd “strategies” / hacks - apart from medication - that you might find helpful. (But to be perfectly honest: the implementation of these strategies wasn’t possible before medication for me personally.)

anyhow, I hope I could help. Good luck to you!! but I definitely have to get off mumsnet and stop procrastinating…. 😉

OP, I understand completely and could have written your post. My kids are all very smart and have a "it's good enough" attitude to schoolwork and I don't understand it. I was the opposite - it can be very frustrating at times.

No advice, but solidarity. Ignore the faux horror and the MN tendency to go all Four Yorkshiremen.

I think be careful what you wish for comes to mind. Whilst you see the public personas from the other side what you encounter behind closed doors in your family you never see on their side.

Also it's dangerous to continually compare. You need to have the conviction to set your own family standards, iterate them over time as necessary, and the general situation will improve. I personally don't care what parent X or Y does, they are not the parent to my child.

I have a suggestion though.

Despite all the gifts, treats, etc what young children crave more than anything is parental attention and quality time with them. You need to deliberately choose when to select when to enagage with your children. This is key. It's not about how much time you engage it's about doing so on a positive level.

My DD knows that any messing around, misbehaviour, etc and the parental attention drops off. I remember back to the age of 2, she had her first and last tantrum. One day after an innocous event she sat behind the front door and screamed, 20 mins went by before she started to quieten down, she gave it a right good go, believe me. after 25 mins she just stopped crying, walked over to me, said sorry daddy and gave me a hug. That was the first and last time she had a tantrum.

Those 25 mins hearing her screaming weren't pleasant for me but I knew had I pandered to it i'd have had a lot more of them.

So I make a point of engaging with her a lot but this is at my discretion. What has been great is when younger and she was doing schoolwork I was always eager to be an active helper. That created a great relationship on that level and I treated questions like a shared problem. We'd sometimes talk around the angles a lot, I did this deliberately to increase her general inquisitiveness. These chats also gave her a greater motivation and resilience. As she's got older my involvement is less time consuming but the positive traits we forged during this time still remain.

I see families when the parents are all but ignoring the kids, and the only way that kids know they can get parental attention is by misbehaving. When it's happening at say age 4 it only gets worse.

I was going to say something slightly different..you worked hard but now only work school hours in term time. So where did all that hard work get you?

I mean I imagine you made that choice because you wanted to be there for your kids, which is great, but you didn't need to work that hard, presumably.

My siblings and I are all successful at work and have moved far from parents for our careers. Although that was obviously.important to my parents when we were growing up, they are now sad not to see more of their grandchildren. Personally I would rather my children stayed in the same town and wanted to be friends with me, as long as they are happy and have enough money to live comfortably. I really don't see career success as the be all and end all.

No point stressing about it. The sports stars of the world don’t just have talent they have to work at it. Some kids/adults just have a hunger. I’ve not interest in climbing Everest etc but it doesn’t make me a lesser human.

Your kids seem quite normal but your attitude doesn't, it seems very vicarious. It would be more understandable if your DC were struggling or unhappy but they seem to be achieving, balanced and normal. What more do you want? Get a hobby.

I always made minimal effort but did OK. I don't have a dazzling career but I'm doing just fine and have a wonderful life (I'm 49 now). There's more to life than good exam grades and stressful, high paying jobs.

My DD 13 is a perfectionist. Always wants to look nice, do well at every subject and is polite to the point of being a people pleaser. My DS 11 on the other hand lives in joggers, I have to remind him to shower and do homework and thinks nothing of standing up for himself. They are both amazing but I worry more about my daughter and the pressure she puts on herself. My point is that your friends kids might be stressing themselves out trying to be perfect.

I was very average and lazy as a child. Did some sport but not much never excelled in anything and still don't tbh. I turned out fine..I think

Please don't compare. I know its hard. I have 2 asd boys and simple things like going out for a nice dinner are a no go, never mind bike rides and family swims. I too compare to other people's 'normal' kids and think how lucky you are. Your child can swim, ride a bike, doesn't have epic meltdowns because the socks feels wrong, have friends. There is always someone worse off. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

Part of the problem is that a lot of people on MN are in complete denial about the correlation between academic success / a striving, go-getting attitude and a Good Life.

Whenever there is a ‘what do you regret’ / ‘what would you tell your younger self’ thread, the responses are invariably around 1) trying harder at school, 2) not abandoning your career after children, and 3) picking a better paying career.

Yet on threads like this it’s all ‘there’s more to life than career success’, ‘better to be happy than an over-achiever’ (as if the two are mutually exclusive) etc.

You want bragging rights - your kids don’t. HTH.

I get this but I don’t think that’s what is at play here. It sounds like DCs are doing well at a fee paying school (or a state one with incredible extra curriculars on offer!) so I get the feeling they are comparing their high achieving kids with perfect ones.