To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

[aseekingseeker]

This is, I appreciate, a very sensitive subject. I love my children, more than anything, but I'm finding it increasingly sad and frustrating that they don't seem to want to do as well as they could do, or go the extra mile.

I also realise that this is most definitely a First World Problem but we have very close friends, including children at similar ages and two of their 3 kids go to the same school as my children (aged 15 and 11). I know you can't know for sure, but we have shared lots of info so I know that our children are of a similar intelligence but theirs just seem to want to go the extra mile and excel. Their kids work so, so hard, and are always perfectly behaved and turned out. I know comparing like this never does any good but I just can't help it.

My two kids attend an academic school and are doing very well, but never quite excelling. My youngest, in particular is very, very bright and would easily score highly without any revision. We do encourage working hard and revising but they have so far not been to pick up the prizes at the end of the year, I think, because both kids have a 'bare minimum' stance when it comes to homework (to be fair, I don't think they care about prizes, it's me, but I just don't get why they wouldn't care - that's what gets me). They both have very high predictions but don't work enough or in the right way to hit these targets. I've always been trying to get involved but they're very much 'we want to do it our way'.

Neither of my two want to go to extracurriculars such as creative writing, debating, politics etc etc. They dabble in sport.

The other family (and in fact we know two) basically have 3 kids who ALWAYS go the extra mile, who are ALWAYS polite (I don't think in the ten years we've known them, these kids have ever put their foot wrong or lost their temper), who ALWAYS look smartly turned out, not a shirt ever needed to be tucked in (unlike my two!).

I know these kids well and they are clearly bright but, honestly, I don't think smarter than our kids (or others in their respective year groups) but they work so, so hard and achieve accordingly - all three of them! Basically across the board. If their mum asks them to go to a club or do something, they do it. They don't watch telly and certainly don't do gaming/phone in the week. I don't think they have time tbh as they work so hard.

Don't get me wrong, my children are generally polite (to others at least) and we have lots of fun, but I continually get push back, especially from the eldest who is very much turning into a 'teenager'.

I just wish I could bottle what the other family are doing. I do feel I have 'failed' in some respects and although I love the other families, I sometimes wish had friends who were less 'perfect'. I know that's probably completely U-N-R-E-A-S-O-N-A-B-L-E.

For context, the other family have a couple of teacher grandparents (on either side), including a secondary teacher in STEM, who are very involved with their grandkids and do most of the after-school care as both parents are working. So I'm sure there is something in that which helps but it can't be everything. And it's not a 'cultural' thing either; nor is it a family that use threats etc, they're super calm.

What am I doing wrong?

How do I make my children WANT to work hard, look smart etc (both DH and I dress smartly and care how we are turned out, and we both work hard - including when we were at school - although I work p/t during school hours).

I think it is relevant what type of school your children go to. Is it a grammar or selective private school or just a sought after academic comp?

My kids go to superselective schools in London. They do very well and have friends and I think they have a great balance. But they are surrounded by kids playing county this and national that as well as getting top grades. That is not normal. There are some crazy tiger parents around who don’t allow any sweets, social media, it is all high level extra curricular and hours of homework. And on the face of it, those kids look perfect and balanced. However, I think they are missing out on what is being young today by not hanging with friends enough, spending time watching TV with their parents etc. The parents are missing out too. Burn out is a real consideration. We don’t live in the US where you need supra curriculars and have to take extra subjects at high school at greater depth to get into a great uni so what is the point?

Let them be teens, happy, have friends because in our society you don’t need to do the rest to succeed later on anyway.

@Usernamen there's nuance though. I never worked as hard as I could have in school, coasting was good enough. I'm ambitious though with good social skills so I have a great job & a nice life. Ok I'm not a law partner on millions but most people aren't.

My kids go to superselective schools in London. They do very well and have friends and I think they have a great balance. But they are surrounded by kids playing county this and national that as well as getting top grades. That is not normal. There are some crazy tiger parents around who don’t allow any sweets, social media, it is all high level extra curricular and hours of homework.

My dc are in primary but very academic school with tiger parents eg normal to be grade 4 in yr 4 when in reality it isn't.

You’re ambitious - that falls under the ‘striving, go-getting attitude’ that I referenced.

The job of a parent is to nurture the kids you DO have. So what if they don't want to do debating or creative writing?
Encourage them to try things, and help them explore the things they ARE interested in. Help them to be well-rounded people; there's far more to life than school prizes.
Most of all, show them how to be kind, respectful and hard working. One person's hard work results in a D, while another's results in an A*. Both are worthy.
You also don't see what goes on behind closed doors so be careful what you wish for.
If your kids are generally doing well then stop trying to make them something they're not.

tbh, a lot of the attitudes on here are super complacent and dare I say - very English middle-class - in terms of high achieving kids and families. Try growing up in a migrant family with very few networks and both parents have to work and where education is prized and focused on as the route to success. The emphasis some of you place on individual autonomy above all else can be pretty culturally specific - in my dh's culture for example not working and studying hard would be seen as ungrateful and disrespectful of the sacrifices his parents made for the family.

@Usernamen what can be done to foster a go-getting attitude? Is it wrong to encourage this?

Where did you get that from? Bronnie Ware (a palliative care nurse I think…) wrote a book: the five regrets of the dying

https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

1. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

1. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

1. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Quite the opposite of I wish I’d worked harder and focused more on my career.

@Usernamen my point was I don’t try my hardest even in work. To me a go getter isn’t necessarily linked to academic success. And I don’t think i’m a real go getter, I could earn much more but I like my balance.

Yep I was always taught that no one ever lies on their deathbed wishing they’d worked harder.

@TiaSeeya @ISpyNoPlumPie no 1 in list could encompass I wish I’d been more ambitious & worked at what I love. Also, been more courageous, a go-getter. Purposeless ‘hard work’ as a wage slave is one thing, drive & ambition, however?

tbh, a lot of the attitudes on here are super complacent and dare I say - very English middle-class - in terms of high achieving kids and families. Try growing up in a migrant family with very few networks and both parents have to work and where education is prized and focused on as the route to success. The emphasis some of you place on individual autonomy above all else can be pretty culturally specific - in my dh's culture for example not working and studying hard would be seen as ungrateful and disrespectful of the sacrifices his parents made for the family.

but this is normal. I’m a 2nd gen immigrant, my
mum left school at 14 & education was the most important thing to them. My mum would go mad at parents evening when the teachers would say I could be a star student or whatever but I’m a bit lazy & like chatting. My dad came from nothing & worked really hard to better himself, as a result I now have the safety net that a lot of the English mc have. I don’t need to work as hard as my dad.

I'd stop comparing. Comparison is the their of joy.
My middle son got Es and Ds at GCSE. At 36 he's a senior manager on a fab salary. He never 'shone' at school.

Just stop.

Absolutely agree. You're trying to make them into a version of themselves that doesn't exist.

And they will know.

I grew up being constantly negatively compared both to my own siblings and the perfect children of family friends.

Whenever I saw the family friends I felt inferior, a bit scruffy and grubby somehow, a bit less worthy than them. That feeling stayed with me my whole life!

Love your kids for who they are. Help them to be what they want to be - but don't try and change them into something else.

I had a late diagnosis of ADHD and I wish I could tell my mum now - see, I couldn't help it!

I think you're in denial. The happiest people I know are in very low skilled employment and I know many high flying go getters who are miserable as fuck. There's no correlation between academic success and happiness.

@FarmGirl78 I'm so sorry that you had those experiences, have a massive, big fuck off huge unmumsnetty hug my pal ❤💐❤💐

Ultimately, they are different people. Maybe the other kids have a brain structure that just makes executive function easier? You are seeing this as solely due to effort.

It seems like you are quite focused on external validation of your dc's achievement and presentation. And I know that's tough, because it does (unfairly) reflect back a lot on mothers. But it isn't your dc's responsibility to fix that.

Ultimately, it is their life to choose to do what they want with.

Your responsibility is to find things about them to appreciate, and it sounds as though there are lots of things!

I haven’t read all the comments but if you want to have a good relationship with your kids as they grow up you need to read back everything you have written very very carefully and try to see it through their lens.

I know it isn’t always easy, but cherish your kids. Try it see their strengths, and above all, cultivate their happiness and mental health over fairly meaningless things like achievement (assuming from what you’ve said that they are doing well enough to get them through life), appearance and politeness of all things. Get to know THEM as opposed to trying to fit who they are into some weird non existent perfect person.

Good luck OP, I really hope you can look objectively at this before it’s too late.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, you can't help your feelings. But as pps have said this is damaging to you and potentially damaging to your children.

You would probably benefit from some counselling to explore these feelings.

Your kids sound fantastic but you sound like you can’t accept them for who they are and risk driving them away when they are older because they will never be “trying hard enough” or “achieving their full potential” and they will know that you are constantly disappointed in them, nothing they do will be good enough for you and you will always think your friends kids are better than they are.

How have ambitious, A type Mums fared if kids not in own image? I know some furiously ambitious women & children, the girls, all mini-mes. If this doesn’t happen in some circles it’s easy to feel like a failure.

Have you looked at any growth mindset stuff - rewarding the effort they put in not the achievement? My DS is bright and doesn’t have to put much effort in but really blossoms when he is praised for effort- including outside of school eg “thank you for helping me with x, I really appreciate it” on a regular basis

I feel so sad for you that you feel this way and I feel so sad for your children that their Mother feels this way about them.
I wish you could see your kids for what they are which is wonderful and normal!
Please, stop judging them and yourself. You will be happier for it and so will your children.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You're going to have to accept your children as they are otherwise you will a) drive yourself mad and b) alienate your children.