To feel sad when I compare my kids with other children...

[aseekingseeker]

This is, I appreciate, a very sensitive subject. I love my children, more than anything, but I'm finding it increasingly sad and frustrating that they don't seem to want to do as well as they could do, or go the extra mile.

I also realise that this is most definitely a First World Problem but we have very close friends, including children at similar ages and two of their 3 kids go to the same school as my children (aged 15 and 11). I know you can't know for sure, but we have shared lots of info so I know that our children are of a similar intelligence but theirs just seem to want to go the extra mile and excel. Their kids work so, so hard, and are always perfectly behaved and turned out. I know comparing like this never does any good but I just can't help it.

My two kids attend an academic school and are doing very well, but never quite excelling. My youngest, in particular is very, very bright and would easily score highly without any revision. We do encourage working hard and revising but they have so far not been to pick up the prizes at the end of the year, I think, because both kids have a 'bare minimum' stance when it comes to homework (to be fair, I don't think they care about prizes, it's me, but I just don't get why they wouldn't care - that's what gets me). They both have very high predictions but don't work enough or in the right way to hit these targets. I've always been trying to get involved but they're very much 'we want to do it our way'.

Neither of my two want to go to extracurriculars such as creative writing, debating, politics etc etc. They dabble in sport.

The other family (and in fact we know two) basically have 3 kids who ALWAYS go the extra mile, who are ALWAYS polite (I don't think in the ten years we've known them, these kids have ever put their foot wrong or lost their temper), who ALWAYS look smartly turned out, not a shirt ever needed to be tucked in (unlike my two!).

I know these kids well and they are clearly bright but, honestly, I don't think smarter than our kids (or others in their respective year groups) but they work so, so hard and achieve accordingly - all three of them! Basically across the board. If their mum asks them to go to a club or do something, they do it. They don't watch telly and certainly don't do gaming/phone in the week. I don't think they have time tbh as they work so hard.

Don't get me wrong, my children are generally polite (to others at least) and we have lots of fun, but I continually get push back, especially from the eldest who is very much turning into a 'teenager'.

I just wish I could bottle what the other family are doing. I do feel I have 'failed' in some respects and although I love the other families, I sometimes wish had friends who were less 'perfect'. I know that's probably completely U-N-R-E-A-S-O-N-A-B-L-E.

For context, the other family have a couple of teacher grandparents (on either side), including a secondary teacher in STEM, who are very involved with their grandkids and do most of the after-school care as both parents are working. So I'm sure there is something in that which helps but it can't be everything. And it's not a 'cultural' thing either; nor is it a family that use threats etc, they're super calm.

What am I doing wrong?

How do I make my children WANT to work hard, look smart etc (both DH and I dress smartly and care how we are turned out, and we both work hard - including when we were at school - although I work p/t during school hours).

I have one that goes the extra mile. They struggled most I think when younger and were hardest to help till just before GCSE when they asked for help.

I have one who does bare minimum though has done okay academically.

I have one that put effort in that's seen - so will do school apps as it gets noticed or Dulingo as her friends are there - more targeted past papers and precise revision she bulks at.

We've emphasised doing more than bare minimum at home - without going to ridiculous lengths - they get very different messages from their schools and peers.

I don't think they are as hungry for academic success as DH and I were at same age but I still think they'll do okay in the end.

Being good at something doesn't make it enjoyable. Being bright doesn't mean you necessarily want to pursue an academic career path. You talk about them reaching their potential, but your really mean academic/career potential - what if you focused on them achieving their happiness potential or fulfillment potential? Because those things matter too but they're a lot harder to learn in later life IME.

I get where you coming from, often feel same.
Lots of thinking on it and I think it has got to do with knowing your own kids so well you are very familiar with their weak points/ flaws (not sure what word to use) see these more than positives.
Where as other people do not notice them.
The other kids could be crying over not getting top results at home and their parents thinking I wish they were more layed back like X.
Know it frustrating feeling this way, but guess it part of your personality where trying to work hard and make improvements and making things better all the time extends into parenting.

YABVU. Find things about your kids that you love, and celebrate those. Accept them and celebrate them for who they are , not who you want them to be based on comparison and jealousy.

Aw, as a mudpie-loving child and a scruffy adult, I feel a bit sorry for your kids.

Let them have joy in their lives.

Someone told me recently that my mil told my sil that she too frumpy to maary GC bil, do you judge people on their deeds or just their looks? I certainly judge my mil by that comment!

You could be describing my DS (now 18) at that age, although his behaviour and manners have never been an issue.
I wouldn't worry about EC stuff, you can't force them to do that. I felt sad that all his friends did DOfE but he just didn't want to.

DS also did minimum on HW, no mum I don't need to add anything else I've done what they've asked for 🙄.
Hecame out of high school with 8's and 9's and got 3 A* at A Level. Honestly if they are academic they will be fine. If you try to force extra on them they just push back ime.
The kids who do extra you don't actually know it will truly benefit them long term.

This is all my experience

It resonates with me that my dad was like this, and although I was high achieving it wasn’t in areas he valued (sport) so I always felt his disappointment.

I think it’s more about figuring out what they value and how to excel in those areas, rather than focus on teaching them that you think they should want to excel broadly speaking. You’re saying you want them to want it for themselves but, gently, possibly that’s coming across as them seeing straight through that, that you want them to excel because you think they should. It’s all a question of what motivates them and how they value their time.

@aseekingseeker
I believe that every action has a reaction, every choice has consequences which in turn can often only be interpreted as "bad" or "good" subjectively .
You cannot live the same life twice over.

Private family life and relationships are just as worthwhile as "recognised achievements", and I say that as a child grade 8 violinist who danced and swam and was busy every night.
I 've said this before. Whilst I loved participating in these activities as a teen I couldn't simultaneously live the life of someone who could spontaneously chat with her mum for an hour, or plough hours into a creative project exactly when I felt like it and was inspired, because evenings were governed by external timetables, not set by me.

The issue is that society has taught you that there is a scale of value in things.

Chatting and laughing with friends for example is in my opinion valuable for my teen daughter. Often these soft skills are seen as things that get done anyway, but in reality that's not true for the type of teens you talk about, because they simply don't have the time to have these deep friendships. They can't live the life of someone who programmes their life, and also experience being able to spontaneously chat to a friend for an hour if they want to about whatever. They can't just bake a cake when they feel like it, go on a long walk, help a family member adjust the dishwasher if they have to be at such and such an activity at a certain time.

Braiding my daughter's hair while we chat is not going to go anywhere on her cv, and my son won't be putting stacking wood for the winter on his.

Society places low value on love, friendships, care, wellbeing , art and self expression that is not worth monetising.
It doesn't like things that cannot be assigned a numerical value or a name.
Hiking is worth nothing unless it's the duke of Edinburgh, running is nothing unless you officially do a recognised marathon. Unless you can officialise your "skill" no-one e wants to know.

This is in my opinion the unfortunate truth and even though I see it, I also find it hard to escape from the worry about our children's future.
As a compromise I encourage my teens to achieve their best at school as long as they maintain good mental health. The rest of the time is basically their own.

During parenting, I think we realise that our children are individuals and often don't have the same values, behaviours, tendancies as ourselves, which can be difficult to accept, especially for those who have tendencies to control or who place value in what others think of us.
Having happy children is the key. Too often some kids who appear to have everything are deeply unhappy. If your kids are happy, be very thankful for that! It is the most important thing they can be in the first instance.
They are likely to exhibit more 'go the extra mile and extra effort' when they work out what their true motivation is. This is where the job of the parent comes in to give our children as much opportunity and experiences as we can (without pushing them too strongly in any direction), so they can work out what they enjoy, what they are good at and what they have to work hard for, without us as parents placing unnecessary pressure on them, which eats at their resilience and makes them think they are not good enough, and creating issues that aren't there.

This is about you not your children. You should think some more about why a prize at the end of the school means much more to you then it does to them.

For my mum it meant she got some desperately needed attention in the guise of reflected glory. Now (many years later) I have been encouraging her to take up her own interests outside of the achievements of her children.

YABU. your children are doing well at school, and seem very well adjusted. Results and prizes from school will be irrelevant when they're adults. It sounds like they'll do well enough to follow whichever path they choose, whether academic or not.

In my experience, my kid were all bright and capable, but approached their education in very different ways. My eldest worked hard, got her A levels, and a 2.1 at university, is now a company director. My second, probably the brightest naturally, did just enough to get onto his chosen university degree, got a 2.1, then qualified as a teacher. Now, after returning to uni, he's a doctor of psychology. My youngest struggled at school, but worked very hard and got three As at A level, a first at uni, and is now a teacher. More importantly, they are happy and loved, and I couldn't be more proud.

This is so sad and feels like such a waste of emotions

I don’t know how you totally eradicate this thinking
but for you and the kids it’s optimal

and suggestion ? Stop seeing this people
stop this voice and wasted comparisons

Also being on technology shouldn’t be the doom and gloom nail in a kids academic coffin. My husband went from his mum lambasting him for “gaming and messing” in his teens to taking those tech skills to a highly technical degree, a prestigious work placement and job offer before he left uni. He was sociable, did sports but also enjoyed his consoles. She didn’t care about the four nights a week he did sport but didn’t value and moaned about the three days he chose to spend his free time on the computer. Needless to say she doesn’t say anything now about his career.

Being driven is a double edged sword I think. One of my siblings always wanted to do better, to be better. Upshot is that although they've achieved a lot, they aren't really ever satisfied, and won't be as long as there is anyone on the earth who has done that little bit better.

I do get the frustration though. One of my DC is a talented musician, but only puts in a little practice, so will never get as far as she otherwise might. She knows this though, and would rather be where she is than up her effort to go further, so I keep my thoughts to myself.

What you are doing wrong is comparing your children to other children.
My children are academic (passed the 11 plus) and always polite - but I recognise my parenting failure in this because I was so keen on them being polite when they were younger I stifled their confidence in some regards. It’s the kids who were allowed more freedom to be kids and not fit to adult expectations that are the confident kids now. Let your kids explore who they are without holding them to an impossible ideal.

Here's another perspective: those other kids are boring, and headed for burnout at some point. Your kids have got their priorities right, they know how to enjoy life on their own terms.

We don't all have to want the same things in life. As long as they are happy, you should be happy for them.

I was always very driven. My dd is the same - like me on steroids, basically. She has so much energy! I suspect that she also has adhd like me - she is currently awaiting diagnosis. I think it's partly about the need for constant stimulation.

One of her oldest friends is very intelligent but much less driven. She is very much about meeting the minimum standard required to do what she wants to do.

Her approach is very alien to both me and dd, and I'm not sure that we could ever be like that - our default setting seems to be inbuilt. On the other hand, I'm not sure that our approach is necessarily the route to happiness. We both quite often bite off more than we can chew, and it can be very stressful living with such high expectations of yourself. Maybe dd's friend and your kids will actually be happier in the long run?

It sounds like they're doing just fine. Maybe the real issue is simply that they're programmed differently from you, and that's hard for you to understand, but it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with their approach. In some ways, I'm quite envious!

Clever ≠ neeky.

It's fine to treat school as a means to an end- get the grades you need to do the thing you want. I'd try talking to them in those terms- they don't have to throw themselves into school life, join all the clubs etc, they just need to do what they need to get the results that they want. If they've got good predictions then I assume the school thinks these are achievable grades based on how they are doing so far, rather than based on having a complete personality transplant.

My son used to be a lot like this. Now at 18 he's got a job, a plan for his career (including a conditional place at the uni he wants to go to with an achievable offer) and lots of interests and passions which are nothing to do with school. Yes, if they were different people your kids would probably get a lot out of working harder and joining all the clubs etc, but then they would be different people 😉Avoid comparisons, celebrate the things your kids enjoy and are interested in, support them to get what they want out of their time at school.

So you were driven and prize winning at their age OP. Have you achieved a host of glittering achievements as an adult? Your hyper focus on your kids’ attainment level slightly suggests not.

Honestly as a PP said, being driven is a double edged sword. Driven people are never satisfied. As your post amply demonstrates.

Your kids sound perfectly well adjusted and normal op...prob above average.

Was going to write the exact same thing.

Comparison is the thief of joy.
Love your kids for who they are. You could push them further, but for what? Slightly higher grades? Getting a certificate from debate club? Whoop dee doo!
I'd rather have happy kids who know I'm proud of them for who they are and for what they achieve. That will serve them better their entire lives, than an extra certificate. It's better to have a secure, confident and happy teen, than one pushed to do more by an insecure parent.

The other parents are hardly going to tell you about their children’s weaknesses just to boost your ego about your own children.

As others have said - just let them be themselves for goodness sake. There is a good reason why 'comparison is the thief of joy' is such a popular and resonant saying. As others have said, love your kids for who they are. And if you really do have to compare - compare yourself to all of us mums who have children with serious health issues. And then feel VERY grateful that 'this' is the most you have to worry.

I was more like your kids and probably worse - very bright but messed around in class, had better things to do than homework, CBA with any after school stuff and went and pursued my own sports or hung out with friends. I got very good grades, could have probably done even better if I’d been inclined. I’m now in a far better career than any of the goody goodies in my class who were into all that and pushed to be perfect. Don’t worry about them, everyone is different and it doesn’t mean they are lesser. They will find their own way.