Hello, looking for some advice please. I have tried not to make this too long but have failed at the first hurdle sorry.
So 4 year old DS started school in September, he's one of the youngest in his year. I'm pregnant with second DS, due in a couple of months.
4 year old has always had 'trouble' with sleep since being in his own room from about 9 months - multiple wake ups, and particularly irritated if DP went to settle him instead of me. Prior to that I co-slept, and he was not a napper either - 30 min naps at the most 😩 Anyway, I have always just taken it as that's how he is and eventually he'll grow out of it. His sleep has gradually improved over time, and since about age 3, he's managed alot of nights without waking, or with maybe 1 wake up. When he was younger would sometimes have night terrors, and he has a very overactive mind, which also seems to play into lots of dreams - good and bad. If he's poorly this can understandably go out of the window and may take a few weeks to reset. Have also used reward charts a couple of times in the last year which have gone down well.
Over the last 4 years, DP has continually insisted that he should be able to sleep through (even as a baby), insisted on trying cry it out to 'teach him' not to keep waking up, and generally (in my view) shows no empathy or understanding of his own child and that he's an individual. We tried CIO when DS was about 1 yr old, and he literally threw himself out of his cot in distress after several nights of no progress whatsoever, so I put my foot down.
DP will constantly compare to other kids but conveniently ignores those whose sleep is similar to our DS'. He has also always been a complete prick to DS about his sleep. He will shout and swear if DS wakes up (even if I am the one who has gone to settle him), which just causes so much tension, and would shout and scream at DS if he was settling him (and then wonder why he wouldn't go back to sleep!) So got to the point where I have done most bed times for the last couple of years as DS doesn't want DP to do it, and I can't take the shouting and upset. If I go out in the eve, DP will do bedtime, and DS has become slightly better about it as he's gotten older, but is vocal about not being happy about it 😄 DP generally also quite regularly speaks to him in an irritated and condescending way, as though he's a constant nuisance. DS picks up on this and asks him to stop. DP will then shout at him, DS shouts back and tells DS to stop shouting (whilst shouting) 🤦🏾♀️. I have tried to explain the futility of this approach but he'll try for a few hours and then revert to type. No one else speaks to DS in this way (teachers, grandparents, family friends etc) so DP I think knows it's not ok.
Anyway, so DS2 is on the way, we have moved DS1 into his new bedroom over Christmas to give him time to get used to it. He loves his room and slept fine the first couple of nights. Was poorly over most of Xmas, and in the first 2 weeks of Jan, has just got well again. His sleep has been disturbed since Xmas, with a couple of wake ups each night. Not long ones - he literally resettles within a couple of mins, but wants the comfort of someone lying with him, which we haven't had to do for a long time - would usually just be a cuddle and then he would lie back down by himself, and I'd wait until he dozed back off and then leave. Wake ups have been consistently around 11.30pm and then 2am. He's clearly having a nightmare during the 11pm wake up as you can hear him shouting in his sleep. Then he wakes and either calls for me, or will come into our room. He has no interest in getting in our bed, he just wants one of us to reassure him as he goes back to sleep. DP will lecture him (often in the middle of the night) about how he shouldn't call out, and if he comes into our room in the morning (6am) tells him off for not staying in his room until his alarm has gone off at 6.30. I tend to just get up and take him back to him room and sit and chat until 6.30 or read a book or just have a cuddle.
DP has decided the recent wake ups are all my fault - he thinks the fact that DS likes someone with him as he falls asleep has created this problem (but completely ignores that he's been sleeping through happily in his other room for the last year). I'm open to changing how I do bedtime, but think this is more about change and DS' various anxieties: new school (where he is still learning to navigate new friendships and fallouts etc), long days in a new environment (he is in breakfast club from 8am and afterschool until about 5pm 4 days a week), new bedroom, new baby on the way. He is 4, but his emotional intelligence is quite advanced and he can articulate his feelings quite well for his age. He's told me he is scared in his new room at night e.g. because of different shadows (something he also used to worry about in his old room), he hates school (and will dwell on very small incidents despite clearly having had a good day), and he is worried about me (he can see me struggling physically sometimes as pregnancy progresses), and worried about me and DP arguing (which we have started to do as both tired) and daddy when he shouts. He would share these worries with me but not his dad, who usually just fobs him off or doesn't really listen.
I've explained all this to DP, but everything is very black and white to him, and he only focuses on quick fixes, he cannot see an issue as having multiple parts. Had a humongous row today and I was honest and said I fear when DS2 is born, and DS1's behaviour likely goes down the pan due to the massive change, and DP will not be able to handle it and I will have the stress of trying to keep the peace and deal with newborn. I already feel like a referee, and DS has been increasingly vocal about how he 'doesn't like daddy ,and wants him to live somewhere else' 😬 The saddest thing is DP is actually very caring, but for some reason repeatedly fails to be able to extend that care and compassion to his son. Every once in a while he pulls his head out of his arse and then feels guitly and makes a conscious effort to be better, but it doesn't last.
Sorry, this has gone on a bit, but any advice on the sleep, and whether this is likely just another phase, or something more drastic needed? Like I said, I'm happy to consider how I might change things at bedtime to help, but I won't allow DP to bully DS into submission based on unrealistic expectations, or his own resentment at being woken up etc. But perhaps I'm the one being a prick here?
- sorry, edited as something wierd happened to the formatting!