Have I been a cf friend

[Tinseltiss]

My best friend had 5 boyfriends last year the last one she got with in December and stays with her and her 2 under 2s every night since they met online. I made a comment and now everyone has turned against me saying I was skating her parenting. I actually think she’s an amazing mum but she doesn’t know this guy it’s not even been a month since they met. Should I have not said anything and am I cf I just want her children to be happy she says she’s a better mum but I was abused as a child and think a month is no where near enough time

No this I agree with and sex has nothing to do with how good a parent you are however her kids have been put to bed by him and she was on about getting her extensions and hair bleached whilst he watched them. I know I shouldn’t have said anything but I wish someone said something to my mum.

Was it Thomas Sowell who said

If you want to help someone you tell them the truth.
If you want to help yourself, tell them what they want to hear.

You said this guy stays with her and her 2 babies - has he actually moved into her place?

If she has 2 under 2, who was looking after the babies whilst she was out dating these 5 guys? Her mum? Her ex? Are they happy with the situation?

Jesus what did i read... sleeping with them is irrelevant. The issue is moving them in.

Women enjoy sex with no strings too you know? Single mums are allowed to have sex/flings without judgement.

Your friend is upset because she knows you’re right.
Those poor little mites having a strange man looking after them. Frankly I think what your friend is doing is disgusting.

If she has 2 under 2 and 5 boyfriends in the last year is she an amazing mum though? The oldest kid would have only been 1 this time last year.

they are ten months apart her youngest is 1. She has a boyfriend in January one in march one in July then one in august and then December. This was not just sex all of them were full on she’s had an abortion and a miscarriage in the last year and I’m genuinely very worried about her.

You're best out of it, OP. Take being removed from the WhatsApp as a blessing.

Someone prepared to have 5 blokes a year around her preschoolers is not making safe and sensible life choices. Someone then messaging mutual friends so the ring and tell you off is a Drama Llama.
now jus
I'm sorry your childhood experiences weren't great. You were doing the kind thing for your friend's children by raising the subject, but you can't force her to take notice. Step away, you don't need the aggro.

She might be upset, but you were right to message her. Someone needs to be thinking of her children, because it doesn’t sound like she is sadly.

This I agree with just a shame as I genuinely had good intentions hopefully she will reflect in private

Depressing that women don't learn from the cases of Baby P, Star Hobson, Daniel Pelka, Ayesha Ali, Arthur Labinjo-Hughes that moving in a partner into the home so early on is a huge risk to their child.

A study analysed British child homicide data and reported that stepfathers were over 100 times more likely to beat their young children to death than were biological fathers.

This is good. But I also live by the rule of ‘if someone didn’t ask your opinion, then don’t give it’. No one asked you what you thought of her sex life op. Yes it’s wrong what she’s doing, but sending a message implying they’re a shit parent is going to upset anyone, and will achieve nothing more than that really

Its not what you said, it's how you said it.

It's not appropriate to raise via a text message. And the link on mental health was ridiculous.

The right approach would have been gently raise it in person when you were alone so you could manage her reaction and smooth things over if the conversation was going south and let her save face whilst taking time to reflect on it.

You also needed to consider your message. Was the point to tel her you though she was endangering her kids with strangers staying over or that you thought she was introducing too many "stepparents" and damaging their mental health? Its not the same thing.

I think you were right to express concern but you handled it in a way that has come across judgemental rather than concerned and its got her back up.

How have you been supporting her when she doesnt have a man in her life? Are you seeing her weekly, texting loads, offering practical support?

You did the right thing, maybe not in the best way, but that's hindsight. Unfortunately most of the people around her will take the path of least resistance and tell her what she wants to hear. What she's doing is potentially very dangerous to her children. There's no way this is in their best interests. I can't imagine any half decent man thinking moving in like this was ok. At best he's a cock lodger, I don't want to think about the at worst.

Under 2s were asking what time her man was home? That’s very advanced speech, never mind the capability to understand time

If it was a private message I don't think you e done anything wrong tbh. You are right. She is not an amazing mum.

Having a stranger stay over every night with two tiny pre-verbal children is shocking. It's a gross error of judgement but your update is even more worrying.

She's being promiscuous and not using protection, leaving herself open to more preganancies and also STDs. Has she been doing this for a lot longer than a year - ie is this how she had the two under two?

You're right to be concerned. I'd go and see her and talk about it properly. But it looks like you/someone needs to help her understand what's causing this behaviour. She needs some help if she's going to stop being so reckless and have the chance of a more stable life.

Op, you know you haven't been a cf by speaking up, but you are on here discussing her sex life and her private medical details for what? Will it make you feel better to have everyone jump on and say how shit she is?

You haven't asked for advice on how to sensitively proceed with her or distance yourself, you've just come on and give details that she would recognise should she read this. Makes me wonder if she's on here and you know it.

She sounds like she has issues but is it your place to step in and say something? She's a grown woman and is making her own choices so I think it's overstepping to get involved. She has to learn this stuff herself.

If she asked you for your opinion, then you could offer it.

You shouldn’t feel bad for trying to safeguard vulnerable children OP. Hope you can talk to her face to face. It’s hard to convey to someone who doesn’t want to hear about the massive risks she is taking by inviting strange men into caring for her DC. How hard for you to see this.

She sounds like she’s in a really bad way emotionally. There is nothing more you can do if she doesn’t want you to, unfortunately these things tend to play out in their own way and the two babies will bear the brunt of her awful choices.

Sex with five different random men. Come on. That’s desperate not having fun.

The fact she’s moved someone in so quickly shows she’s just sleeping with someone to love her, not sleeping with someone for just sex.

She doesn’t want to be alone and she just keeps giving her body away for free over and over again.

How she’s had time to have sex five times, let alone with five different men with two under two, I’m really not sure.

This is not slut shaming. I’m saying have sex with someone who is worth it, not someone who promises they love you tonight, then never see them again.

Sex with a stranger can be great. It can be fun, empowering.

But five times in a row? She shows no sign of being empowered. She just looks desperate for love and she’s giving her body away to losers.

If anything this behaviour will make her feel even more rubbish about herself.

I think you did the right thing.

In practical terms could you offer to look after them whilst she has her hair done?

She is shooting the messenger here, she knows you are right. Her children are at risk because she "needs" a man. She is not a brilliant mum, she is sad and pathetic and is putting her children at risk.