Son being called a bully.

[GBmum]

Hello everyone. I need some advice to see if IABU with regards to my son (4 yes) being called a bully. We are currently visiting family abroad and his been seeing his younger cousin (2 1/2) a lot lately. They get along for the most part, but recently they have been squabbling and pushing each other around. When my son is playing with Lego by himself, his younger cousin comes along and knocks it down multiple times and laughs. The young cousin is constantly being told to stop and it's not nice but he doesn't listen. He has even thrown a Lego at my son's head and left a bump (he throws a lot of things). The young cousin also keeps getting in my son's face. My son tells him to move but he doesn't so my son lands up pushing him out of the way. Because of this, every time he comes near my son, my son screams and pushes him away. My son is told to stop screaming because of this. The young cousin also stands next to my son when he is eating and my son doesn't like it and screams and pushes him away. I understand it isn't nice to push and my son has been told off for it, but, is it right for his grandma to call him a bully when my son is being antagonised in the first place which no one sees. All they see if my son pushing his younger cousin. Am I blowing all this out of proportion for my son being called a bully?

Thank you for taking the time and your responses.

Why aren't adults intervening?

Calling a 4 year old a bully is horrible. Interestingly my dad said the same thing to my 5 year old and I pulled him to the side and said never to call him that again.

It's one thing defining someone's behaviour as not good but you define them as a person that way is really unpleasant 😞

2 year old showing totally normal behaviour for their age but does need to be distracted/kept away from upsetting your son

Kids sound normal. Grandma sounds like she probably can’t handle them, does she have help with them?

Kids being kids. You need to intervene every time. You need to teach your son a better way than screaming and pushing, it's understandable as it's all he knows but you can tell him what to say when his cousin is annoying him.

Pick up cousin and remove as need be. Repeat every time "no, cousin, we don't throw whatever." Show cousin how to ask to play, is there something similar he can play with? "No cousin, DS is playing with that, you can play with this or wait your turn."

Can you set up somewhere DS can play without being disturbed? At the table or in the room you're sleeping in etc

This situation sounds really stressful for both kids. Why arent adults sitting with them and intervening and helping when they play to stop some of this and helping them find ways of playing together? Maybe grandma should just look after one at a time not both if they are too much for her?

The younger child is only 2.5, yet you seem to be blaming them for acting their age but meanwhile excusing yours. It's not about 'telling him off for it', parents need to watch, guide and redirect- teaching young children how to deal with frustration in a non violent way. It really doesn't sound like you are doing this...

They’re just children displaying completely normal behaviour for their ages. Neither are bullies and it’s a horrible thing to call a child. A label like that could stick with him for years and really affect his self worth.

Label the behaviour not the child

Sorry but you need to parent the 4 year old shoving and screaming is not ok especially when the 2 year old isn't doing anything to him. As for the 2 year olds normal behaviour it needs a parent to move him /take objects he's about throw aswell as telling him no

The younger child needs to learn how to behave by being removed when he does those things. Before, If possible. Just "ih that's not nice" just doesn't cut it.

Why are you letting their behaviour get to the point of pushing and screaming?

Someone needs to be there to split them up or really, not have them play so much together in the first place if it always ends in tears.

silly to label a 4 year old a bully. But you seem to be blaming a 2 year old? Equally as bizarre

I don't think it sounds like either child is being guided very well.

Agree with other posters also, you seem to want to vilify the toddler whilst minimising what your child does. He can't just go around screaming and pushing a child that happens to stand next to him whilst he eats.

Your son us twice his age and is acting in a bullying manner by pushing him away all the time, yes he's old enough to know his cousin is younger and to have kind hands.. But adults don't seem to be doing much to solve the situation, including you.

This ^

Where are the supervising adults?

Adults should be intervening with 2 year old but your DS has to learn its never ok to push another kid, especially a younger one. He needs other strategies to handle it.

Both kids seem pretty bratty? Why can't they just play nicely together? A 2.5 and 4 are just the right age to be able to play together. Haven't they been taught about sharing and not pushing etc?

Remove your child before they get to the point of screaming. There must be signs he's getting wound up with cousin before he pushes him. How much longer of the visit is left? Just reply to grandma, he's a child not a bully.

It sounds like this 4 year old needs his personal space and the 2.5 year old doesn't understand the concept of personal space yet. I agree with PP that the adults here need to make more of an effort to step in.

The 4 year old screaming sounds excessive at his age. I’d have thought he’d have more control. Essentially the adults need to be present and actively parenting. Why are you letting your child scream? Stop his behaviour. Why are you letting the 2.5 yr old stand beside him if he’s eating. Remove him. I don’t get it. The gran probably prefers the behaviour of the younger child because a) younger so more appropriate and b) she will know that child better and know they normally behave ok (because no other child to wind each other up)

It sounds as if you need to parent your child and the parents of the cousin need to do the same. You can rationalise much more with a 4 year old than a 2.5 year old, he’s been on the planet almost double the time! And yes to kind hands.

Both children acting their ages. Adults need to intervene earlier and you need to say 'stop it i don't like it' instead of screaming and remind him this frequently. Ask GM not to call him a bully, it's not nice or accurate.

It sounds like the 4 year old has tried asking his cousin to move and is being ignored by everyone, he's not a bully he's uncomfortable and anxious and doesn't know what else to do.

Why is the 2 year olds parenr not supervising them?

It sounds like the younger cousin is the favourite child!

But these children are too young to play unsupervised. An adult needs to intervene every single time one or the other acts up.