Son being called a bully.

[GBmum]

Hello everyone. I need some advice to see if IABU with regards to my son (4 yes) being called a bully. We are currently visiting family abroad and his been seeing his younger cousin (2 1/2) a lot lately. They get along for the most part, but recently they have been squabbling and pushing each other around. When my son is playing with Lego by himself, his younger cousin comes along and knocks it down multiple times and laughs. The young cousin is constantly being told to stop and it's not nice but he doesn't listen. He has even thrown a Lego at my son's head and left a bump (he throws a lot of things). The young cousin also keeps getting in my son's face. My son tells him to move but he doesn't so my son lands up pushing him out of the way. Because of this, every time he comes near my son, my son screams and pushes him away. My son is told to stop screaming because of this. The young cousin also stands next to my son when he is eating and my son doesn't like it and screams and pushes him away. I understand it isn't nice to push and my son has been told off for it, but, is it right for his grandma to call him a bully when my son is being antagonised in the first place which no one sees. All they see if my son pushing his younger cousin. Am I blowing all this out of proportion for my son being called a bully?

Thank you for taking the time and your responses.

Agree with everyone else, this all needs far more adult intervention and facilitation. We had a similar age gap and simple things make life easier - Lego was only allowed to be done up on the kitchen table as that way the 2yo couldn't easily get to it to break it (or eat the small parts!).

Agree with PP re adults supervising and intervening much earlier.

How much longer are you there? Can you not just try to keep them more separate?

Honestly I think it's just 2 kids playing and being silly. This is normal!
Yes, do correct your son when he pushes and shoves and the 2 yr old also needs correcting when he's knocking over your son's toys etc but other than that they are just kids! He is not a bully and grandma is out of order for labeling him as such. Words are powerful and we shouldn't speak these negative things over our children.

It is absolutely not ok to call your son a bully and she needs telling.

Your son is giving fair warning to stop - he doesn't so a shove is absolutely fine 🤷‍♀️

I would just stop interacting with the other child. Or if you see it happening I would tell the other child off

better yet just come home

Watch the cousin like a hawk and stop it before it starts

Your son is having to stop things in the only way he knows how because no adults are helping. Where is the supervision and why is no one stepping in?

Shoving is not acceptable behaviour.

Why are none of the adults intervening? I have a 1 and a 3 year old and understand that it can be tiring monitoring and redirecting their interactions… but I don’t just let them antagonise each other (they would definitely resort to screaming and pushing at some point if I did).

He isn't being a bully, but nobody should expect a 4 year old and a toddler to play together.
You might not like the way others are referring to your son, but the way you describe a much younger child (relatively speaking) is arguably worse.

The toddler needs to be removed so your son doesn't get aggressive with him. You need to start teaching your son that aggressive behaviour towards smaller children is unacceptable.

Both lots of parents need to do some parenting instead of blaming the other child.

I agree with the posters this is normal behaviour and where you teach children what is acceptable "We don't knock things down" " when never push and hit others ever" .

If the parents/guardians of the 2 yo aren't doing it, keep your son away as he clearly doesn't like this kid getting in his face

The two year old is behaving typically for their age. There should be an adult there to stop them throwing and redirect them when they're throwing, snatching etc. Verbal reprimands (especially wordy and vague ones about being unkind etc) are not age-appropriate or effective for a toddler.

The four year old...I don't know. I think some people would say their behaviour is also typical but I'm remembering all my summer-born babies who started school just after their fourth birthdays and none of them would have been pushing a toddler or screaming as you describe. I wouldn't label a four year old child as a bully, but I would certainly view their behaviour as needing to be addressed and would not excuse, ignore or tolerate it.

It's might not good behaviour from your 4 year old but it's not bullying, and labelling a 4 yo a "bully" is not helpful. As others have said, label the behaviour not the child.

More intervention and distraction needed for the 2.5yo to keep them away from your 4yo. You can't expect perfection from a 2.5yo but they can be told that e.g. breaking lego will upset your cousin. Making those connections between actions and consequences is something they're very much still learning at that age (and probably want to keep testing and pushing boundaries) but it's important life learning.

With your 4yo acknowledge that it's ok to feel annoyed when someone messes up your games, but that pushing and screaming isn't how to react. Encourage him to talk to an adult - and he needs to see that when he does that, they will act (talk to the 2.5yo, take them elsewhere, distract them etc). If he's getting repeatedly pestered by his younger cousin and all that's happening is he's getting told off or called a bully, it's no surprise he's screaming and pushing.

This sounds like a two-year-old and a four-year-old being two and four to me. Two-year-old sounds like he needs a closer eye kept on him by his parents so that he's less of a pest, and four-year-old needs to be shown that even though two-year-olds are a pest, screaming and pushing every time he comes near him isn't the right reaction. Neither of them are being deliberately horrible and nobody is a bully.

Thank you for your comment. When she was saying this to him, I was deliberately talking over her and telling my son to sit next to grandpa so there was a bit of distance between the two. I don't think she liked this very much. I couldn't say anything directly to her in that situation as her husband and other son (father of the cousin) was there. Luckily we are leaving this Saturday.

Thank you for your comment. When my son does this I do talk to him and even tell him off as it isn't nice to do. I also get between them so they have a bit of distance including removing my son to up stairs a few times. When away he does calm down and is much better than before. When they do play Legos together, I show my nephew to build on one side of the board (there's one board) and I'm down on the floor with them so I can intervene when needed.

Thank you for your comment. My MIL has told me that before we came for a visit, she would find it hard to handle him (she is in her late 60s) as he and his sister play rough at home and by the sounds of it no one there has control of the kids. Even though my nephew stays with her for one night, by the next day she is stressed out.

Thank you for your comment. Please don't get me wrong, I understand his acting his age and it might seem I'm excusing my son's actions but believe me I'm not. I should have mentioned that I do have a word and tell me son off for his behaviour. I even separated my son (downstairs to upstairs)from his cousin because he gets stressed out that much I have to remove him just to calm him down. It's not easy when I have my nephew following and coming up stairs and no one has noticed his gone.

@Justfinking I think the complete opposite, a 2.5 yo is a toddler a 4 yo is not. I don’t think they’re the perfect age to play with each other at all.

toddlers don’t give a shit, he’s not trying to wind your little one up he’s just being a toddler. But I can see why this would be annoying, yours isn’t being a bully he’s just doesn’t know how self regulate yet.

Previously I would have said a 4 yo can’t be a bully but they definitely can be!

this isn’t bullying tho.

Average height and weight

Age 2.5: 3 foot and 30lb

Age 4: 3 foot 4 and 35lb

% larger: 11% height and 16% mass

Comparable adults; 5 foot 6/ 9 stone vs 6 foot one and 10st 6

Is it OK for a bloke that much bigger to scream and shove a woman (or a much smaller man/teenage boy) who has previously annoyed him? Or does his mum get all affronted if somebody calls him a bully?

No you aren't blowing this out of proportion. The two kids are being horrible because the adults aren't stopping them. If an adult sees a 2 year old breaking another child's lego, that 2 year old should be having 2 mins on the naughty step - instigated by an adult before the 4 year old gets upset. If the 2 and 4 year old "push each other around" in a way that they aren't both happy with, the adult separates them and gives them time out while talking about what they have done wrong. When a child of any age who throws Lego at another child the adult that sees them take all the Lego and toys away from them for a few minutes. When a child scream in another child's face-naughty step away from any toys for a good 5 minutes. The 2 year old is a terror because he is undisciplined, the 4 year old is fast turning into a terror because the adults aren't dealing with the 2 year old. YOU are an adult too though, and when YOU notice the two year old's behaviour and wait for your child to react before disciplining the two year old, YOU are as responsible for the kids behaving badly as the other adults.

For starters, I don't just let my son scream for no reason like you may think. His cousin runs fast up to him and potentially knock into him and my little one doesn't like it. Who would? I tell my nephew to go over to his dad or grandparents. He does but then comes back and no one stops him. I have to get in between them and keep my hand at length just so my son can eat. I also land up taking my son from downstairs to upstairs to separate them before things gets worse.

The naughty step? For a toddler? I think you've been watching too many Super Nanny reruns from 20 years ago. Evidence based parenting techniques have moved on considerably since then. The fact you are describing a 2 year old who is displaying very typical and developmentally appropriate behaviour as "horrible" and "a terror" indicates a lack of knowledge of child development.

I think most toddlers can play nicely, I see it all the time. Especially with older kids as they tend to look up to them. Could be a good learning opportunity for both kids to learn how to behave with others (I can understand if siblings might not be as nice to each other, but in my experience cousins certainly are)