AIBU to make DD tell piano teacher herself she wants to quit?

[Flockameanie]

DD (nearly 11) wants to stop piano lessons. She decided this the week after I'd paid for the term, after we had a conversation in the holidays (i.e. before I'd committed to this new term of lessons) about her continuing or not and she insisted that she did want to continue.

I have no issue with her giving up. Piano has been this weird battle of her insisting she wants lessons but then refusing to practice/ getting really angry when she does practice. I told her countless times over the two or three years she's been learning that she doesn't have to learn the piano, but if she has the lessons she has to practice (and not shout at me angrily about it when she does practice).

What I do have an issue with is her saying she wants to give up 1 lesson into this term, when I've paid for it, when I gave her lots of opportunity to say earlier she wants to stop. So, I want her to continue with the term of lessons I've paid for and tell her teacher herself that she's stopping as I think she needs to learn to take responsbility for her decisions. But AIBU?

Yabu = don't make her continue with this term's lessons and don't make her tell the teacher herself you big meanie
Yanbu = time for a lesson in life! She needs to continue for the rest of the term and tell the teacher herself.

She needs to continue the lessons as you agreed and paid.

I don't get why she has to tell the teacher. If its no big deal that she's stopping, why are you making such a big fuss?

I would say she can finish at the end of the term. But I would tell the piano teacher (with reasonable notice). I don’t think she’s old enough to make her negotiate these adult waters when you don’t personally want to.

But if you’d said 15 / 16 it would be different. Even then, there’s nothing wrong with smoothing a few awkward waters for them, when you know that people will respond more sympathetically to an adult- the paying adult at that!

If I was the piano teacher I’d find it really odd if an 11 yo told me this themselves, and would want to speak to the paying adult. Her contract is with you for a start!

I do remember telling my piano teacher this myself at 16/17 though.

Agree with this. She does the lessons because you have paid for them. But you tell the teacher as her contract is with you.

I don't think I'm the one making the fuss! DD is (about continuing with the lessons I've paid for)...

I agree that she should continue now you have paid, and re-evaluate once this term is over and you have to pay again. Both my DCs have done piano lessons, and I've struggled getting them both to practice in the past. However one of them is now quite happy to continue and practice on their own, while the other one decided he wanted to give up so I told the teacher once the term's lessons were over and we had to pay again.

Why is it important that she tells the teacher? What lesson are you wanting her to learn from it / skill to gain? How to deal with it would depend what you want from t iyswim.

I’d let her quit and I wouldn’t make her tell the teacher herself. My DC did this a few times with various activities (drumming lessons was probably the most memorable), then they eventually found things they were really into.
I didn’t make a thing of it.

I agree she has to finish the term now you have paid. I would not make her tell the teacher herself though. I would tell teacher and she can give card or chocs at last lesson and say goodbye but not have the initial conversation.

I guess I mean that I would let the teacher know (and make sure we're giving appropriate notice), but that I also want DD to acknowledge to her teacher that she is ending lessons. In part because she told her teacher last week that she wanted to start doing grade exams. So it's a bit of a 180...

I'm not particularly trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation with the teacher (who is lovely and I have no concerns about talking to), but more that I guess I feel DD should be accountable to her own decisions, if that makes sense?

I'm half way on this. I think she needs to finish the lessons you have paid for but YABU to expect her to tell the teacher herself. She is still a little girl and a lot of adults would struggle with that level of assertiveness.

This is definitely a learning opportunity. She learns to finish what she has committed to and she also has the opportunity to see you model a polite and positive ending to your arrangement with the piano teacher.

My DD drove me mad with similar vacillating when she was younger. I used to phrase it along the lines of "DD has decided to take a break from piano /violin/ voice lessons from next term but I hope it will be possible for her to come back to you if she changes her mind in the future'. In two of those scenarios she did change her mind and continued to Grade 8 level. With one of them it transpired that she was actually very frightened of her teacher and it spoilt that particular instrument for her.

I also think that you have to tell her teacher, not now but more towards the end. However she should continue lessons at the moment.

Does she enjoy playing the instrument?
Do you think she wants to quit because of the pressure?

I’d tell her she’s finishing the term she’s signed up for and you won’t tolerate her moaning about it until it ends. But I don’t think it’s necessary for her to tell the teacher and if I was the teacher, I’d think it would be an odd thing to happen, given you’re the adult.

You've paid for the lessons, and gave her plenty of opportunity to tell you she wanted to quit before.

So I think at this point I'd insist that she does the lessons that have been paid for, and then she can quit at the end of term if she wants.

In the meantime, I would try to get the bottom of this weird relationship she seems to have with it.

It sounds like she wants to play but doesn't actually like it - what's that all about?

Can she/ you talk to her teacher about it - maybe they have some tips or experience in how to make practicing a bit more interesting for her?

If she wants to play but it just struggling with practice and routines, there must be some support she could tap into for that.

I'd try to problem solve with her rather than just let her quit straight away, but if she still wants to quit at the end of the term, she can.

I think she likes the lessons (nice teacher, she likes 1-1 adult time) but I don't think she has any drive to actually play the instrument. As demonstrated in December when I took a month off nagging her and her DB to practice (and told them I was doing so) and she didn't play once. There was no judgement there from me, but I did point this out to DD at the beginning of term before I paid up again. But, she insisted she wanted to carry on...

I think the only 'pressure' is the deal that if I'm paying for lessons then they do the practice. And that she doesn't shout at me about/during practice. Neither of which I think is U!

I made mine discuss it with the music teacher when he was nearly 13. We paid week by week though, and DS2 wanted to start so we just swapped to him.

There comes a point when they need to face the consequences and I certainly thought almost 13 was CV old enough to explain politely to a teacher he’d had for years and who is very pleasant that he didn’t want to carry on and sim at higher grades, and thank him for teaching him to play.

At the very least she should say thank you for what she’s been taught if you say the rest, and she should be there while you say it.

Regarding the timescale, I did make mine stick at things when we’d block paid in advance because they said they wanted to do it - apart from one activity when it was clear that DS was being ignored by the other kids. I thought he was exaggerating until I saw it myself. When the scout leader seemed unable to sort it out, I took him out straightaway as he hated it.

I would want her to finish the term, as you had already discussed it and she insisted she wanted to continue so you've paid for it. But I would give the teacher notice that this would be her last term

I think she likes the idea of playing and likes the idea of being able to play, but doesn't want to practice. So I think it's a fantasy-vs-reality situation. Same way that I'd like the experience of running a marathon, but I hate running and am crap at it.

@Flockameanie I'm not particularly trying to avoid an uncomfortable conversation with the teacher (who is lovely and I have no concerns about talking to), but more that I guess I feel DD should be accountable to her own decisions, if that makes sense?

She's only 10. The consequences of her actions are that she won't be able to play the piano, and that you're a bit pissed off with her! That's enough for that age IMO

To me the lesson is nothing to do with telling the teacher, it's about following through with a commitment and not needlessly wasting money

I think that's a good lesson but she might be a bit young to be able to handle that alone. Maybe talk it through with her and agree what she would want to say then say it to the tutor together? So your daughter can learn from you?

I think it's a bit silly to make a big fuss about this.

Why make it about forcing her to have an awkward conversation? It just makes it negative and cringey and will increase her negative associations with piano playing and music. Music is meant to be an enjoyable thing. Plus, the teacher's contract is with you, not your daughter.

Why not try instead to find ways to support her with her piano tuition? Work with her and her teacher to facilitate a chat about how she can enjoy her lessons and be supported to practice more (as she clearly does like the idea of playing).

Have a discussion with the three of you (you lead it), saying that your daughter isn't really enjoying it and then just talk about it! I'm sure the teacher will have come across similar.

It doesn't have to be a thing you put pressure on your daughter over.

Ok, thank you! For various reasons (beyond the realms of this thread) I sometimes struggle seeing the wood for the trees with these kinds of things. So this is really helpful

If she doesn't have a natural aptitude or enjoy playing by now then I would throw in the towel.

The piano is THE most difficult instrument to learn. Practice is essential.

If she doesn't want to practice - even 10 minutes a day - then you are on a hiding to nothing.

Is she working toward taking a first grade ABRSM?

@banjocat Oh god - we've had SO MANY conversations about it over the years (including with the teacher) and put in place lots of different strategies to help her with practice/ to get more enjoyment out of it. It gets better for a bit and then it gets worse again. But she's always insisted she wants to carry on with the lessons.