AIBU to make DD tell piano teacher herself she wants to quit?

[Flockameanie]

DD (nearly 11) wants to stop piano lessons. She decided this the week after I'd paid for the term, after we had a conversation in the holidays (i.e. before I'd committed to this new term of lessons) about her continuing or not and she insisted that she did want to continue.

I have no issue with her giving up. Piano has been this weird battle of her insisting she wants lessons but then refusing to practice/ getting really angry when she does practice. I told her countless times over the two or three years she's been learning that she doesn't have to learn the piano, but if she has the lessons she has to practice (and not shout at me angrily about it when she does practice).

What I do have an issue with is her saying she wants to give up 1 lesson into this term, when I've paid for it, when I gave her lots of opportunity to say earlier she wants to stop. So, I want her to continue with the term of lessons I've paid for and tell her teacher herself that she's stopping as I think she needs to learn to take responsbility for her decisions. But AIBU?

Yabu = don't make her continue with this term's lessons and don't make her tell the teacher herself you big meanie
Yanbu = time for a lesson in life! She needs to continue for the rest of the term and tell the teacher herself.

I’d also just let her quit now, her shouting and you nagging doesn’t sound like a fun extra curricular activity.

She was about to start working towards grade 2 (at her own request, I might add, which I was surprised by). So, basically, just before her first lesson of term she says she wants to do grades, then she did one lesson, cried off the second one (which I allowed as she'd had a rough day at school and was exhausted) and now says she wants to quit.

Does she always go to the lessons?

If so, surely she will just have natural consequences for not practicing in that she won't be able to do the things the teacher asks her to do?

Why do you need to get involved at all? - If she insists she wants to carry on, why can't she?

Tell me about it. It has led to so much conflict over the past couple of years. But yet the insistence on continuing...

My teenager used to love his violin, practiced of his own accord, passed Grade 4, was working towards Grade 5. Then he started secondary and stopped practicing. He is still having 30 minutes lesson once a week, no practice at home. Obviously he is only making marginal progress. His teacher was more upset than me. I explained that any amount of music is better than no music as far as I am concerned. So here we are, all very happy with this arrangement. Secretly hoping my son will start taking violin more seriously once he is older

It’s clear she’s not at all invested if she’s not at any exam level after 3 years of lessons.

I don’t mean that snarkily - just that her actions don’t match her words. I’d personally have stopped ages ago off my own back.

I might or might not make her see out the term - I can’t quite decide but I’d actually make the decision myself and tell the teacher. I don’t really think you need her to tell the teacher.

We have the exact same with tennis every term. She’s not that mad keen, but DD agrees she’ll do lessons - after we have been crystal clear that she can stop if she wants to.

One week in and she always wants to stop.

In our case we make her finish out the term as she made the commitment - then have the same bloody rigmarole before the next term starts 😫

I think (like other pp) she continues the lessons until the end of this paid for batch, and this is the consequence. But no need for her to tell the teacher, that insistence is misplaced imo and muddles up the consequences.

My mum had this rule that if we wanted to quit something we had to tell the adult ourselves. I carried on going to guides, clarinet lessons, swimming etc for years longer than I wanted to and I was unhappy. It did not teach me anything and I think it was cruel. I would not do this to my own children. Just had the memory of me having to tell my driving instructor that I wanted to change instructors (because he was mean). I love my mum but this is one of the things that I don’t understand about my childhood.

In view of all the above, I think let her quit. There's no point in continuing if she's not into it. If she's finding the prospect of Grade 2 difficult it's a non-starter.

When DD decided she wanted to give up an activity at a similar age, I told her she had to continue to the end of term, and she needed to tell the instructor. She was a little reluctant to tell her, but I said as it was her decision to stop, it was her responsibility to tell the instructor, which she did.

Piano has been this weird battle of her insisting she wants lessons but then refusing to practice/ getting really angry when she does practice. I told her countless times over the two or three years she's been learning that she doesn't have to learn the piano, but if she has the lessons she has to practice (and not shout at me angrily about it when she does practice)

I have no advice, but wanted to say this is a perfect description of piano lessons in our house (DDs age 9 and 12) 😂

I'm definitely letting her quit! The question was about continuing out the term I've paid for and potentially talking to the teacher herself about it

sympathies!

I think I'm just going to stop suggesting any extra-curricular activities to DC! I don't think I did anything until I was in secondary, and then my parents made me beg to make sure it wasn't a fad. (Not necessarily a good approach though, and I still somewhat resent not being allowed to take something up that I then became extremely good at - and probably would have been even better at if I'd started younger!)

I don't think you need to conflate continuing this term's lessons and telling the teacher. And telling the teacher is a bit of an odd one to pick because the teacher actually needs to hear it from the official source, which is you. If she hears it from a 10 year old she will still need to check with you.

We are maybe unusual but we don't force kids to finish out the term. I don't think it really teaches a lesson in responsibility and they will never learn much piano in those last few lessons anyway. It's a sunk cost, it's wasted whether they go through the motions of the lessons or not. We tend to let them quit. The consequence is a conversation about the wasted money and an expectation that they will think more carefully about signing up next time. But you could compromise on that - expect them to apply themselves and practice til half term, for example.

I remember deciding to quit brownies - the only thing I ever successfully campaigned to give up - and my mum made me write a letter to the Brown Owl explaining my reasons. It was read aloud to the whole pack. I don't think it taught me anything about responsibility. It just made me feel really embarrassed, self conscious, scared to challenge her on anything else. Admittedly this has probably coloured my view.

Ouch, that sounds harsh!

I should add DD has form for this. She did exactly this with another instrument she used to learn (said 1 lesson into a term she wanted to stop). So I do want her to learn about the importance of following through on committments.

Oh goodness, this feels quite close to home!

Can you think about reframing it to stress the positives - if she's about Grade 2, she's learned to read music and play simple pieces with both hands working independently. She can go back later on - even if she probably won't!

A music friend has explained that children tend to learn first to please their parents; then if they're extremely good, their teacher takes over that role, and they play to please their teacher. Most of us aren't driven by our better angels.

So - it's probably just very difficult for parents who don't want to be authoritarian to persuade their children to practice, since they always have something more pleasant available.

My 10yo does 10 minutes a day after nagging, with lots of complaints - in a few months I think we'll be in exactly this situation.

It's a shame because it's hard to get really good unless you put the hours in when you're young.

My son is a similar age and I do
ask him to take some responsibility for carrying on until the paid-for sessions are done and also telling the coach (he’s been into various sports not music) that he’s quitting or wants to drop some or pick up some sessions. I’m happy to follow up to confirm if needed. I think it’s been good for him to take control of his own life. Might be a bit awkward for your daughter for a one-to-one type lesson where there are a number of sessions still left after her saying she wants to quit though! Imagine sitting there with the teacher afterwards week after week!

I said yanbu to finish term,
But I'd just say it to teacher myself at the notice time required, not make her do it.

I would, tell her she continues for the term, but also tell her you won’t ask/tell her to practice for the term.

I would tell the teacher myself - along the lines of “there won’t be any grading taking place as lessons will be finishing at the end of term”, if there are any conversations during lessons then both are clear it is ending.

Your daughter will have a term of one hour lessons, but with no practice I’m assuming there won’t be any improvement but it’s only an hour a week without the battle.

I assume the ongoing conversation will be that this is the end of piano, and if minds are changed again it’s not an option. Stick to the decision it ends after term.

She's 10 - she no longer enjoys it, why put her through the pain of a whole new term. There is nothing to gain from it other than a lesson in decision making which I think (and not all will) that at 10 years old she can be forgiven. Writing off money spent isn't great but I don't think she should be punished for another 5/6 hours (or more!). And as for making her cancel it herself. No.

I was also going to suggest giving up the practice battles. You say she usually enjoys the lessons (1:1 time with an adult). I know that practice makes the lessons worthwhile but if she's stopping anyway.... Only other suggestion is finding something she really wants to do and fixing practice time before that, but you've probably exhausted all the options already

Practicing a musical instrument is really hard. But she can still get something out of the lessons even if she doesn’t practice. Perhaps reconsider why she is doing this - does she simply enjoy the opportunity to play once a week? Will allowing her to do lessons without any pressure to practice give her a basis in music and the piano that will stay with her for life?
We don’t always have to “achieve” with everything that we do. Sometimes it can just be for pleasure.

This.

She’s 11, not 16.