Partner 'ruined' my son's birthday

[soleparent5494]

This weekend was my son's 5th birthday, he had a party at our house on Saturday and then we had small plans with family & friends on Sunday.

My partner (not my son's dad) in my opinion totally f!cked the weekend up with his behaviour, and I feel totally betrayed that my son's birthday wasn't prioritised. Typically this type of behaviour hasn't happened in the past, we generally work well together and he's never been nasty or mean to me, and I think that's what has made this worse in my head. We have had issues of him being inconsiderate before (e.g. just making plans without thinking how it impacts the family). He is adamant that we are a "family" and treat each other equally, however I don't feel this is always true.

The kids party on Saturday was fine, however my partner's children didn't really get involved and sat on their computers all day. They then broke my son's helium balloons, despite me telling them to be careful with them. My partner did not discipline them for this. (For context he LOVES balloons and it's something I always get him each birthday)

In the evening we had friends over which was fine, but my partner and his friends then decided to drink excessively (they ended up drinking a whole bottle of vodka plus beers, prosecco etc). At 11pm I set up my son's presents in the living room, fixed his balloons as best I could and made it special for his morning. My partner didn't even notice I'd done this, I text him to say I was heading to bed and my son was in our bed so one of our guests didn't have to sleep on the sofa. He agreed to sleep on the sofa instead, but didn't come and find me to speak to me personally.

His children had in this time broken a wardrobe in their bedroom and then taken themselves to bed. He ignored them for probably 4 to 6 hours in total. Even when the wardrobe broke I was the one who went upstairs to check they were ok and tell them off in the reasonable way a step-parent would.

When all of the other guests left, I then heard my partner leave the house. He went into town until gone 2am and didn't even tell me where he was or that he had gone out! When I tried to call him I was busy-toned, my messages telling him I was upset and worried about his behaviour were read and ignored - I've now seen photos of him and his friends having a whale of a time. When he got home I was told I needed to "chill out" and that "no one had died". I explained he had abandoned his children in the evening and been totally inconsiderate to me and what the weekend was about. He didn't feel he needed to apologise and was quite nasty about how upset I was.

The next day he was still drunk in the morning and went up to bed, missed my son opening presents (which were meant to be from "us"). His children didn't get up until gone 9am and neither wished my son a happy birthday. Instead they threw tantrums about having to get showered and generally acted like brats. When I asked if they'd said happy birthday to him they cried and told me I was being mean... not very "family"-like to me...

It's only now (2 days later) my partner seems to realise that he has potentially lost me and my son. I've spoken before to him about how I don't feel we are a family unit, and that we are spare parts in his world where he does what he wants. His children have no rules to live by and do whatever they please, whereas my son lives under my firm but fair rules (e.g. he will have his favourite toy/game taken away for a day/week if he is naughty, whereas my partner's child told us to "f!ck off" a few weeks ago with absolutely no consequences or punishment.)

We've had a long conversation about everything, where he explained he feels that I don't even like him, he would be better off alone and just left to work and do what he wants etc. We've agreed to try and both put a better structure into place for all of the children, however I am struggling to move on from how my son's birthday was a total shambles. I feel really hurt and angry at the total disregard for him as a 5 year old, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to move on from this. Am I being unreasonable to still feel angry about this?

Your son deserves better. Not necessarily a whole weekend devoted to him but imagine the other children you live with moaning just at being asked to wish you a happy birthday. That's really sad. You sound like a great mum, don;t cancel that out by inflicting a drunken inconsiderate loser on your little kid.

I can not understand what you gain from staying with this man. You must have mush for brains.
Why expose your young son to the wilfully rude and inconsiderate drunken behaviour of his step family?

They are all poor examples for your son.
Why allow, even once, your child to see you being treated with disrespect?

He is adamant that we are a "family" = you are his free babysitter, and he can piss off out whenever he likes, with whoever he likes, wherever he likes.

It's not excessive at all, ignore that comment!
Your boyfriend sounds like a selfish wanker, leave now it will only get worse.

Awful behaviour. Your poor son and poor you.

I’d have no future with this guy.

And it doesn’t sound like your families are particularly harmonised / blended either

How long have you been together?
Did he move in with you or did you move in with him?
What is your financial situation & what about your home?

Overall, this doesn't sound like a good relationship and he is clearly a complete wanker - disappearing off in the middle of the night, leaving you in charge of all children, being too drunk/hungover to handle normal family birthday events the next day are all massive red flags.

How old are the step children?

Having said that, for whatever reason, you are also a bit precious. Possibly becuase of poor behaviour from him in the past that makes you a bit sensitive, or perhaps it's just how you are. But I would advise you to think about that before getting into any new relationships. eg, unless the step children are the same age as your DS, of course they weren't that interested in the birthday party and ditto re getting up early on Saturday.

You texted HIM first in the night, so it's a bit rich to be annoyed he texted you to say he was going out.

You are in no way a family.
You are a toxic mess.

Things won’t improve, not with him or his children.
Would you really rather inflict this chaos and confusion on your son, because you can’t bear to be without a ‘partner’?
His children will continue to behave however they choose, they will get older, bigger and harder to deal with. Your DS will see the unfairness and join in. Why would he obey your rules when no one else does?
Your partner will continue to live like a single, free man and blame you for restricting him.
So either leave or accept that as your future.

I would definitely dump him. Behaviour like this never gets better trust me. He throws you a few platitudes from time to time to keep you sweet...for example we are a family. No you are not.
Ask yourself if your DS deserves to live like this. He's only 5. He deserves better.

He literally told you that he wants to be able to do whatever the fuck he wants.

Leave him (and let him see how much he gets to do when he doesn't have an unpaid nanny).

@soleparent5494 replace "It" with HIM

Personally I’d not be in a relationship with someone who behaved that way. In my opinion it’s just unacceptable behaviour for an adult and shows a serious lack of responsibility and regard for others.

There might be hope, but I think just agreeing that things need to change won’t actually change anything. You’ll need a plan, and you’ll need to be checking in constantly about how you’re both feeling and what’s working and not working. He needs to want to change, and probably needs more motivation than just the thought of losing you, otherwise it might lead to resentment or lies.

Regardless of the bum you're in a relationship with, his kids' behaviour and language are only going to get worse. Do you want to subject your child to that growing up

Hes scouting bars as we speak.

Don't have a long conversation about things. He's a prick.

If it's your house send him a text to say, 'Hey. This is absolutely not working for me and DS. I'll leave your stuff on the doorstep and you can pick it up Saturday. I'll be out for the day. You're right, we'd both be better off on our own'.

If it's his house, start looking immediately for somewhere else for you and DS to go. Then text him when you've gone.

Don't discuss, don't listen to any more of his bullshit. If you have to have a fact to fact conversation, then anything he says just repeat 'That's not the way I see it.' in a monotone voice. **

Lots of posters have made many of the same points I was going to. This relationship and the blending of your families isn't working. You don't share the same values regarding family, parenting and treating other people with respect and consideration.

I agree with him that you don't like him; your dislike for him and his kids drips from your post. Take him at face value and leave him to get on with his own life.

How old are his children, where actually were they when they were playing on their pc's during your son's birthday party.

Why were you having friends over that evening ? nothing to do with your son or his birthday tho no ?

Sounds like he was having friends over, not you - as you refer to them later as ' his ' friends.

Where was he / his friends when you were in the living room putting out your son's presents ?

Why did you need to text him? or the house so large he was in a different wing ?

You say you heard the guests leave, then your partner went out - immediately ? How do you know he went into town with his friends ?

How old is he btw ?!!!

After texting and calling him several times in the evening, you then waited up until after 2am when he got in ?!!! Why didn't you just go to sleep ?

What were Sunday's plans with family and friends - did they still happen despite him being tired/hungover and going to bed ?

btw when you split up, he won't be ' alone ' he will still have his children - do his children live with him all the time, or was it his weekend with his children ?

What is your son gaining from this relationship you have with this man ? and his children ?

A long talk would be about how he moved out. He's using you for a babysitting, for kids who tell you to fuck off.
Nope, off he goes.

I don’t see how you can make this relationship work. He sees you as childcare for his children not as a life partner. If I were you, I’d be making my exit plans.

This.
You have not prioritised your son by inflicting your shitty boyfriend and his offspring on him. Your kid needs to come first. Dump the embarrassment of a boyfriend and don’t date anyone until your standards have been raised significantly.

This horrible man is taking advantage of you. He and his kids will set a terrible example for your son.

Time to throw this one back. He doesn't want a blended family he wants an unpaid baby sitter who will keep his kids occupied so he doesn't have to bother with them at all. If they go to him because you've tried to discipline them it's your fault. If you've left them to get on with it and they get too out of hand again your your fault.
Your boyfriend touts the family line when what he really wants is to act like he is single and not have anything interfere with that.

Umm, do you know what a bangmaid is? Because I think he has one.

He's a liar, he has no intention of changing. Don't waste your time. Bin them all off and prioritise your beautiful boy. He will be so much better off! And so will you.

Seriously, bin them all off. Life is too short and your boy's childhood is being ruined, the longer you drag this out.

If you're lucky, your son won't even remember them in a couple of years, so no harm done, but you're going to have to work hard to make it all better for him.