Partner 'ruined' my son's birthday

[soleparent5494]

This weekend was my son's 5th birthday, he had a party at our house on Saturday and then we had small plans with family & friends on Sunday.

My partner (not my son's dad) in my opinion totally f!cked the weekend up with his behaviour, and I feel totally betrayed that my son's birthday wasn't prioritised. Typically this type of behaviour hasn't happened in the past, we generally work well together and he's never been nasty or mean to me, and I think that's what has made this worse in my head. We have had issues of him being inconsiderate before (e.g. just making plans without thinking how it impacts the family). He is adamant that we are a "family" and treat each other equally, however I don't feel this is always true.

The kids party on Saturday was fine, however my partner's children didn't really get involved and sat on their computers all day. They then broke my son's helium balloons, despite me telling them to be careful with them. My partner did not discipline them for this. (For context he LOVES balloons and it's something I always get him each birthday)

In the evening we had friends over which was fine, but my partner and his friends then decided to drink excessively (they ended up drinking a whole bottle of vodka plus beers, prosecco etc). At 11pm I set up my son's presents in the living room, fixed his balloons as best I could and made it special for his morning. My partner didn't even notice I'd done this, I text him to say I was heading to bed and my son was in our bed so one of our guests didn't have to sleep on the sofa. He agreed to sleep on the sofa instead, but didn't come and find me to speak to me personally.

His children had in this time broken a wardrobe in their bedroom and then taken themselves to bed. He ignored them for probably 4 to 6 hours in total. Even when the wardrobe broke I was the one who went upstairs to check they were ok and tell them off in the reasonable way a step-parent would.

When all of the other guests left, I then heard my partner leave the house. He went into town until gone 2am and didn't even tell me where he was or that he had gone out! When I tried to call him I was busy-toned, my messages telling him I was upset and worried about his behaviour were read and ignored - I've now seen photos of him and his friends having a whale of a time. When he got home I was told I needed to "chill out" and that "no one had died". I explained he had abandoned his children in the evening and been totally inconsiderate to me and what the weekend was about. He didn't feel he needed to apologise and was quite nasty about how upset I was.

The next day he was still drunk in the morning and went up to bed, missed my son opening presents (which were meant to be from "us"). His children didn't get up until gone 9am and neither wished my son a happy birthday. Instead they threw tantrums about having to get showered and generally acted like brats. When I asked if they'd said happy birthday to him they cried and told me I was being mean... not very "family"-like to me...

It's only now (2 days later) my partner seems to realise that he has potentially lost me and my son. I've spoken before to him about how I don't feel we are a family unit, and that we are spare parts in his world where he does what he wants. His children have no rules to live by and do whatever they please, whereas my son lives under my firm but fair rules (e.g. he will have his favourite toy/game taken away for a day/week if he is naughty, whereas my partner's child told us to "f!ck off" a few weeks ago with absolutely no consequences or punishment.)

We've had a long conversation about everything, where he explained he feels that I don't even like him, he would be better off alone and just left to work and do what he wants etc. We've agreed to try and both put a better structure into place for all of the children, however I am struggling to move on from how my son's birthday was a total shambles. I feel really hurt and angry at the total disregard for him as a 5 year old, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to move on from this. Am I being unreasonable to still feel angry about this?

Kids Birthdays are a big thing to me and I would be fuming at him doing this on such a special weekend as well.
Aside from that though the fact that he didn’t even seem sorry for what could have been a drunken one off mistake is a big red flag to me. Abusive men are never sorry or wrong, be very careful this could be the start of something more sinister.

It might seem on the surface that its "completely out of the blue", but
For his children's birthdays ...

"gifts, cards and activities were organised as I would for my son ... Christmas I organised 90% of their presents and did a "second Christmas Day" for them... I would do for them what I would do for my own."

It sounds like he's not given that much thought to his own children's birthdays/xmas either. So I can see why his behaviour at your son's birthday must sting because its not equal to the efforts you make with his children.

Does he share the expense of all these things?

I'm glad your son enjoyed his birthday anyway and having your mum and other family around for the weekend. I think you are right to be considering the future for yourself and your little boy.

DP will not get better. He talks the talk but talk is cheap. He's little better than a child himself.

Find your new place and speak to your landlord. While I appreciatd a contact's a contract, it is only a formal agreement and can be altered if both sides agree. What have you got to lose?

I feel bad for your son. Hope his real dad loves him.

You need to get out of this relationship fast before it not only destroys your Son's ability to look at life with a child's eyes without pain and yours, with distrust. If his own kids can't show respect to your child as his party and thereafter that is a massive flag - what exactly is he telling them when you are not there. Your home sounds as if there is a massive alcohol problem so no wonder all kids are playing up as there will be no rules or proper loving environment for them all. Your missive is long yet, this behaviour seems to have been on-going in the past so therefore you accepted it. No point in posting here if you will only do what you did after the party and accept his behaviour. I feel sorry for you but I also feel immense anger that you do nothing and put your own son in danger. You say your partner isn't violent, there are other types of it not least control. Can only hope you see sense and get out otherwise you personally are responsible for ruining your own child's development. You mention no partners of these so called friends - doesn't that tell you something or have all the partners been so worn down that they don't exist either.

You and your son deserve better, OP

At this moment I think he is a very very poor patent and his kids deserve better. You however sound nice. If you stayed though and kept your son exposed to this then I would start to think you weren't protecting him.

Why are you with this pathetic excuse for a man. He treats you like a lackey to parent his children when he goes out to get drunk. Your son deserves better (as do you). Your poor son deserves to have a happy home to grow up in with his loving Mummy only, not this horrid arse and his badly behaved children.

I would be seriously pissed, my foot would be so far up his arse as I kicked him out the door. No way is any man including the father of my child going to ruin their birthday. Fuck that for a game of laughs.

Sorry but your partner is a man/boy, he hasnt grown up and wants to be out with the lads. He sounds pathetic. He says your a family unit but then completely disregards how his actions impact on your son. He talks the talk, but his actions say different. He doesn't seem that bothered in his own children, so I'm not really surprised he didn't care how he came across on your sons birthday. I'd leave as I agree with others, he won't change, you say your strong, so leave for you and your son.

What are you & your son getting out of this "partnership"? You're not a family- him & his children are making that crystal clear, you are not equals. I'd fuck him off, unless having a terrible, disrespectful wanker of a partner is better than having no partner.

Sounds like a waster. Get rid of him and his nasty kids.

You are 100% not being unreasonable. I’d be fuming at this whole situation. You sound like an amazing mum and have definitely put your son first. Him going out for drinks without even telling you, and leaving his kids for you to look after.. is a disgrace. I agree with you- difficult to move forward from this one. Best of luck- by the sounds of things, you and your boy deserve better than him and his bratty kids.

@savethatkitty THIS! Spot on

How old are his children? (Sorry if I missed that part)

The relationship sounds horrible. His behaviour is inexcusable. Disappearing/ ignoring/ being irresponsible and drunk - when he had a duty of care to his own children. OP seems very inflexible and not a good communicator. When you resort to angrily texting someone who is in the house, and carry on the complaining when they walk out the house, you're clearly not a good communicator. OP clearly doesn't like partner's children - always a bad sign. OP wants to impose her parenting rules on everyone - only good if everyone is in agreement. Time to end the relationship - and next time, spend a lot longer getting to know someone before you let them move into your home with your child. You absolutely should know someone's values, priorities, dependability, family and friends before you let them anywhere near your own children. Or you mess up your children. Just how long did OP know this man before she let him move in with all his baggage, including his "bratty" visiting children? Better off single.

I do find it strange that on the night of your son's birthday, your partner had his friends staying over. It was supposed to be a children's birthday party, not an adults.

This. You sound a bit neurotic tbh. But he shouldn’t have gone out getting pissed and leaving you to it. Think you’re poles apart really and it’s never going to work

Bore off. Her problem is a man child, not neurosis.

Get out before you lose yourself. Sounds a selfish cun_ !
If he no regard for you and off out for night leaving his kids with you without telling you etc, well sounds like he already thinking of moving on

Glad to see your looking at other properties, so many red flags along with his dismissive comments and playing the victim, just scream RUN.
like you said this is the first instance of this and with the excess drinking I hope this is a one off incident. But …. Don’t think for one second you over reacted, because you didn’t. He’s very lucky you didn’t leave that night quite frankly. I would be getting my ducks in a row, I personally think this won’t be a one off but a snippet of the real him.

You’re not in a dangerous situation, so you have time to weigh your options and get an exit plan in place. Your son needs consistency, he’s not providing that with his lazy parenting to your son or his children. The fact his children can tell you to f-off with no consequences tells me that her deems that acceptable. Therefore his ex and yourself will get this treatment at some point (past or future).

when he puts the guilt on and paints himself as the victim, that is gaslighting… narcissistic behaviour…. This won’t get better.

anyway, good luck … you’re doing ever Right and I hope reply’s have validated your thinking.

He can pack his things and you can open the front door say Bon Voyage to him, his brats and their shit and thank yourself that you have done the right thing by your own family unit! No matter how small family units are, the bond is strong, don't let some nonplussed so called adult and it's brats ruin your home and precious time together. Best of luck OP

I feel most sorry for his kids in all of this: he obviously doesn't gaf about them and, unlike you, they're stuck with him. You, on the other hand, are an adult and quite capable of rescuing yourself and your child from this terrible situation.
I was in a similar sounding relationship when my son was 5. Thankfully, I didn't allow it to go on for too long (about a year) but it still took a long time to work through the damage to my son.
I'd suggest you start getting your ducks in a row: squirrel away as much money as you can without him knowing, look into housing options, think about whether his behaviour has ever made you feel unsafe, controlled, or manipulated and, if it has, speak to your GP about it - this will create a record of DA which wouldn't make any difference in terms of law/police but may be helpful if you need to access legal aid etc once you leave. Have all of your important documents (passports, birth certificates, etc) in a grab-bag in case you need to leave suddenly (his nastiness may escalate if he feels challenged by you).
If you decide to stay, accept that this is a conscious choice that you are making and the long-term consequences to your son will be on you. Also, maybe work with your therapist on why you don't feel worthy of being treated like a human being.

OP why ?
You sound like a terrific mum, raising a lovely lad - you are enough. DS doesn’t need a father figure who frankly is …. & has rude ignorant kids.
Why are you raising your BF kids - it sounds like an awful arrangement for your son.
Appart from grief Idont see why you are in this relationship. For BF he’s yes, he’s got a ready made maid and baby sitter

I wonder if the OP is going to return to this thread, it's been 5 days since she last replied and there are so many replies for her to read / consider / reply to...