AIBU to be disappointed my partner's not invited to my friend's wedding

[Kappa22]

I've been invited to a close colleague's wedding. We've worked together for many years and been through thick and thin together. I have supported her career during change and layoffs and guided her to opportunities outside of the normal career progression. Similarly, she has witnessed my difficult divorce and seen me try to rebuild my life with two young kids and a new partner. AIBU to be sad and disappointed that she has not included my partner of four years as a plus one? Maybe it doesn't help that last year my partner's colleague in a similar position invited us both to his wedding.

I think it’s very odd and rude to not invite him. However saying that my DH’s best friend at the time (female) invited dh to her wedding and not me. We had been together since I was 15 and he was 16 so by the time of the wedding together for 20 years, married for 10 and had a child together (made it very clear we weren’t expecting child to be invited). Still no invite for me and it was at a UK destination type wedding with by most people’s standards a very large guest list and required at least one over night stay. We were really looking forward to making a weekend of it but nope only dh invited. I suggested to dh he gave her a copy of the DeBrett’s book of manners for the wedding present.

YANBU

unless you’re being invited as part of a social/work group, partners should be invited.

Otherwise it’s just telling your guests that you want their presence so that you get the big wedding you want, but without giving a shit about making the day as good as possible for them.

@Kappa22 It is HER wedding. If you really don't want to go without your partner then you are totally reasonable to decline your invite.

Currently planning my own wedding and it is so hard making these decisions.

Not only the cost factor but also space.

Don’t take it personally

We are currently dealing with this exact problem, it's not because we don't want people there, it's because there isn't the space! I've tried to explain that we are very tight on numbers and people have been understanding, I've also said their partners are more than welcome to the night do!

I’m of the opinion that work friendships are not real friendships, I know this is going to be controversial but I’ve learnt this the hard way over the years. Keep your work and personal / home life separate.

Maybe it doesn't help that last year my partner's colleague in a similar position invited us both to his wedding. completely irrelevant

I would politely decline unless there will be other singles there who you know and will get along with.

If the only people you know will be the B & G plus one bridesmaid, you will be left 95% of the time feeling very uncomfortable unless you are VERY socially confident, (and thick skinned.)

DH and I accepted an evening invitation to neighbours' wedding some years ago. We didn't know anyone other than the B & G and, despite trying to make polite conversation with people, we found ourselves very isolated. Understandably we only managed to speak to the B & G for 5 minutes. The thought of attending a whole day by myself in similar circumstances would fill me with dread.

Nice card, possibly a gift with a big thank you but no thank you. Job done IMO.

I agree, it's strange that he isn't invited. Sounds like the only people you'll know are the bride and one bridesmaid. So it's small talk with strangers all day. If the idea of that appeals to you then go and enjoy. On the plus side, you know your partner doesn't have plans so will be free to babysit.

I think I might decline? If, after all you have done for her, are not worth a plus one of a serious partner (who she knows) then just politely decline. The relationship is one of convenience for her.

Maybe she hates him

It’s quite rude though to expect guests to attend alone if they don’t know any/many other guests.

Surely either you host your guests to a comfortable standard or apologise that you can’t invite them due to numbers, not invite one half of a couple and potentially put social pressure on them to attend despite their discomfort. It’s not good manners to do this. The key to being a good hostess is making sure your guests are comfortable and having a nice time, not having exactly who you want there at all costs. I personally wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself if I wasn’t sure my guests were socially comfortable.

Edit: perhaps I’m unusual because I offered my single guests a plus one (happy for it to be a friend) unless it was a family member coming with the rest of the family.

😂

I think partners should be invited, it’s just manners. When dh and I got married we invited his cousin’s partner even though we’d never met him. They’ve since married and had 3 children. We both went to their wedding too. People should think about this when planning/budgeting.

is he actually your partner OP, Do you live together?

I think that's thoughtful and considerate of you. My wedding was many years ago but I approached it in the way you describe.

Is it the end of the world to expect people to attend functions on their own without partners or spouses? Mine would be dropping to his knees and praising the Lord at not being invited to a wedding.

She is inviting you as an individual. Not as a colleague, because work people are not invited. Not as a couple, because you aren’t couple friends. It’s you she wants there and that should be more than enough.

Probably a space issue venues are often very strict with numbers.

I wouldn’t go. So you are not unreasonable in my opinion. If you’ve been together 4 years and live together I do think both should be invited. That’s my opinion though. You just need to decide whether you want to go or not now I guess.

Perhaps she has been thoughtful and saved you the indignity of begging for wedding places for your children because you don’t have childcare. 🙂

I think its a bit thoughtless of her as by the sounds of it you'll be a bit of a lone ranger at the wedding. I'd understand her actions more if you were part of a social group going.
There's not much you can do though as its her wedding.
I might try and subtly drop into conversation and ask who you'll be seated with as you don't really know anyone going. Maybe the penny will drop with her then.

The OP could sit next to the bridesmaid’s partner.

Happy to help.

Id probably decline the invitation. If youre only going to know b&g plus one other then its going to be a long day spent mostly sat on your own. Unless you feel comfortable to go and sit with strangers and make polite conversation. I personally couldnt. Its not unreasonable for you to be upset, but its also their wedding and they get to invite who they like. Maybe its a cost thing. I tried to make sure our guests knew atleast 3 or 4 other people and if they didnt then a partner or plus one was invited. Just dont go, and be honest with her why. She might have a very good explanation if you speak to her about it

"The OP could sit next to the bridesmaid’s partner.

Happy to help"

How does that help? She might not know him either

My partner has never been invited to my colleagues wedding as they've either never met them or have very briefly. I've just gone either other colleagues.