Is DPs female friend out of line?

[Watdidusay]

I'm with DP for 16 years. He had a female friend from Uni who was a bit hard work. She had a lot of male friends back then but fell out with all of them one by one. Those male friends are still friends with DP.

She went abroad for 10 years and returned home and started inviting DP to hang out. She's been generally nice to me and for a while we forged a friendship but we're just too different. I would describe her as having "main character syndrome". She attracts a lot of drama, doesn't want to know about my life/opinions/successes and likes to laugh at me if I get stressed out about something, saying I'm hysterical. Meanwhile she's constantly having mental breakdowns and needs everyone else to take care of her.
I'm fed up with her tbh.

She generally only messages my DP. She says this is because she sees us as a unit, like the same person.

Last week she said she wanted to speak to my DP about something in private. He asked if that meant no Watdidusay. She responded "Private."

DP said he didn't feel comfortable excluding me and she accepted that he didn't meet up with her. She said she saw us as two individuals, and it was normal for her to have some private conversations with him just as she would have some private conversations with me where DP would be excluded. This has never happened and seems to go completely against what she's said in other contexts. I feel like she manipulates things just to deal with the situation.

I'm just generally really angry about how she behaves towards me. DP is fed up with her too but feels guilty about being mean to her.

We're still being polite to her but I don't know if I would be able to outwardly justify my anger. I'm just leaving DP to deal with it and I'll fade out and not have much to do with her.

Am I nuts?

Well DP did the right thing. He said he's fed up with her too so I think you can both just withdraw from the friendship. Not worth getting worked up about... she's just a toxic human

She's out of line. Either you are 'a unit' or you're two seperate people. You can't be both, as you said. She maybe isn't interested in him romantically, but she wants to annexe him in an inappropriate way.

If you're both tired of the friendship with her then just agree to stop contact. She seems like an awful drain so why continue? Tell your DP how you feel and your plan.

Its not down to you both to prop up a grown woman.

He's her long term friend not yours, they should be able to speak without you present. If he had issues with his friendship with her that's his choice to address it or walk away. You clearly don't think much of her even though she had tried to befriend you, your dislike would've been evident, hence her return to communicating primarily with your husband who is actually her friend.
I regularly meet up with a close male friend without his wife. I know his wife, we don't have much in common and we're very different people, she's not a bad person, I'm happy to get along with her as his spouse, happy to babysit, helped her directly when she was interested in retraining in a field linked to mine, but have no desire to have an independent friendship with her. If she started to say we couldn't talk without her present I'd find it very odd

Well the good news is you have a DP with his priorities straight. Congrats.

Just cut this woman out. Enjoy the reduction in drama!

It doesn’t sound worth the drama with her to be honest. It sounds as though she’s ‘splitting’ in terms of her interactions with you & DP.

She sounds like a pain in the arse, hence why she struggles to maintain any friendships. Personally, I'd do the slow fade. Your DP shouldn't feel bad, she'll be used to it and I'm sure she'll soon find someone else to put up with her drama (temporarily).

Well it seems DP is fed up of her antics too, so slow fade would be my advice. It seems she has exhausted all the other members of the group previously, or taken against them. So past behaviour being the best indicator of future behaviour...

This.

I mean, obviously you want us to 'side' with you, so are painting her as you perceive her. I presume (like all of us) a different person would describe her differently, which is fine.

It's up to your dp if he wants to remain in contact / involved, or not, but I agree with sgt that there are lots of conversations I would have with old friends of mine that I wouldn't have either with their partner, or if my partner were there. YABU about that part.
YANBU to not maintain a friendship with someone you clearly don't like.

She just sounds like a massive attention-hogging drama queen. Total nightmare.

Perfectly fine to meet up with a friend without a partner there, but all the 'can I talk to you in private' stuff, in the context of the other things you've told us about her, suggests that she likes to create drama.

She sounds like someone I could manage to be in a room with for, at the most, about three minutes before I told her to fuck off.

Well I think a few people are filling in my post with their own assumptions.

I am annoyed that someone who calls themselves my friend is excluding me from conversations with another close friend (my partner). Which is what I found hurtful. To me, this was a statement that she does not consider herself my friend although she says she is. That was my interpretation, which is what the AIBU focused on.

Well i think it mostly depends on how the DP feels and he's said he has said he ''feels uncomfortable excluding OP''.

I imagine this is because after an absence of 10 years the friendship progressed to being the three of them, which felt right under the circs. . Now to go backwards with having private stuff between the woman and DP feels odd.

I'm genuinely wondering what stuff is so private it can't be discussed with a casual male friend and their supposed additional friend the spouse?

Don’t really see the issue, ye are both fed up with her so just slowly phase her out until get gets the hint, she sounds very immature and hard work.
Snap at her if she is rude to you / undermines you again

It’s up to your DP, and yourself ego you are friends with.

I do find it a bit odd that you don’t have “individual” friends, you are either both friends with someone, or neither of you are.
I have lots of friends who aren’t friends with DH and vice versa.
My male friends from uni, I will message them, but not thier partners .. I know thier partners, but why would I message them?

I'd just let them get on with it. You clearly don't like this woman from the outset of your OP and if your DP is happy to have her as a mate then it's up to him.

Your DH has been clear in that your a couple amd that nothing between him and her is private.

The problem would only exist if he was any different.

She has known your dp longer it makes sense that she is more comfortable with him about what seems like a private matter. Yes she's friends with you too but on the back off your relationship with dp. I find it odd that you think she has to share with you both or nome at all type of thing...almost controlling OP if this was a bloke doing it to a female.

I think she's trying to muscle in on your DH. And good he told her to back off.

I'd say to him that she's hard work and if he wants to phase her out, you'd be completely behind him. And then I'd be working towards getting her excluded.

We very much do have our own friends. I would just rather have a situation where I can openly say "you're more DPs friend" and do my own thing rather than have to pretend while she's sitting in my house.
She sort of pushed the friendship by coming to me with female problems (breast pain) because she said she didn't have any female friends she could go to, which is how this situation started.

I think she's pretended to be your friend as this was the only way to keep DP onside and I guess prove she's not after him romantically. She now feels like she's done her time as your "friend". Honestly she has too much time on her hands if she puts her friends into little mental boxes.

Would you expect to be part of a conversation between your partner and one of his male friends who wanted a private chat?

or if your partner insisted on being part of a chat between you and a female friend who wanted to tell you something private?

She's trying to show she has importance and influence with your DP by dictating terms. She can't seriously trust that meeting him alone would mean he'd keep it secret from you anyway so I'd imagine she wants to prove to herself (and possibly show you) she has enough sway over him to get him on his own. Its really important he doesn't entertain this as she will try it everytime she needs a confidence boost. Goodness knows why he entertains her at all tbh.

No but I suppose another way of illustrating it would be if two friends were hanging out in your house and said they wanted to hang out together privately without you, would that feel weird?
She came over and asked for me to not be in the room.

But she’s not your friend — you don’t like her! I think you need to allow your DH to decide on his own friendships. It’s irrelevant whether she’s fallen out with other people, or whether you like her or not. DH has a couple of very longtime female friends I don’t like, but I certainly don’t intervene in the friendship or expect to be included in their confidences, any more than I’d want to be involved in his friendships with men I’m not drawn to. We do both also have joint friends, male and female. I’m going out for a solo drink with a male joint friend tonight. He wants to talk about something person he’s clearly comfortable sharing with me but not DH — don’t know what.

She's on a power trip. Who does she think she is?!