Is DPs female friend out of line?

[Watdidusay]

I'm with DP for 16 years. He had a female friend from Uni who was a bit hard work. She had a lot of male friends back then but fell out with all of them one by one. Those male friends are still friends with DP.

She went abroad for 10 years and returned home and started inviting DP to hang out. She's been generally nice to me and for a while we forged a friendship but we're just too different. I would describe her as having "main character syndrome". She attracts a lot of drama, doesn't want to know about my life/opinions/successes and likes to laugh at me if I get stressed out about something, saying I'm hysterical. Meanwhile she's constantly having mental breakdowns and needs everyone else to take care of her.
I'm fed up with her tbh.

She generally only messages my DP. She says this is because she sees us as a unit, like the same person.

Last week she said she wanted to speak to my DP about something in private. He asked if that meant no Watdidusay. She responded "Private."

DP said he didn't feel comfortable excluding me and she accepted that he didn't meet up with her. She said she saw us as two individuals, and it was normal for her to have some private conversations with him just as she would have some private conversations with me where DP would be excluded. This has never happened and seems to go completely against what she's said in other contexts. I feel like she manipulates things just to deal with the situation.

I'm just generally really angry about how she behaves towards me. DP is fed up with her too but feels guilty about being mean to her.

We're still being polite to her but I don't know if I would be able to outwardly justify my anger. I'm just leaving DP to deal with it and I'll fade out and not have much to do with her.

Am I nuts?

Even if you were both equally friends, is it so unusual to want to talk to one of you separately? I see friends individually and in groups. I might confide something in one friend specifically and not share it with everyone we mutually know. Do you and your DH just come as a blob when it comes to your other relationships?

You probably haven't had a chance to read all of my posts. As I said I'm letting DP get on with it. My question is am I unreasonable to openly call her DPs friend and not my friend based on the story.

Agree.

I do find it a bit odd that you don’t have “individual” friends, you are either both friends with someone, or neither of you are.
I have lots of friends who aren’t friends with DH and vice versa.
My male friends from uni, I will message them, but not thier partners .. I know thier partners, but why would I message them?

Agreed.

You probably haven't had a chance to read all of my posts. As I said I'm letting DP get on with it. My question is am I unreasonable to openly call her DPs friend and not my friend based on the story.

I've read all your posts and this is just an odd question. Why do you have to put her in to some sort of labelled box ? Why don't you just call her 'Jane' is you need to refer to her ?

She seems to beva drama queen who's playing divide and rule. I think you and DP need to act as a unit and bin her. All the others have so why not you?

The fact she only contacts DP is telling.

If your mate wanted to just chat to you would you ask your partner to leave the room?

see, I think that would be fine.

I get she’s his friend from years ago, but she disappeared abroad for 10 years so things have changed. If they were really close before and during your entire relationship with your DP then I don’t think there would be an issue with her wanting to speak with him privately from time to time. But it sounds like when she came back she expected to slot back into his life as it was before, but his priorities have changed now. Good for him for wanting to have boundaries with her.

honestly though I would just get rid of her. Neither of you seem than fond of her and it really seems like she’s trying to make you feel like his loyalties lie with her.

She had a lot of male friends back then but fell out with all of them one by one

I wonder why? 🤔 If your DH is fed up with her too, then he needs to back right off and withdraw from the friendship. Why should he be mean to her? “I’m sorry, Jane, it was good to catch up with you after you came back to this country, but we’re clearly different people now and I have my own very busy life. I won’t be meeting/talking/texting anymore but I wish you well”.

Watdidusay · Today 17:11 I suppose another way of illustrating it would be if two friends were hanging out in your house and said they wanted to hang out together privately without you, would that feel weird?

She came over and asked for me to not be in the room.

😳 Bare faced cheek of that!
What did your DP say to that exactly? Did you leave the room!?

It would indeed. Regardless of the sexes of the people concerned, I don't know anyone who'd do that. You might think, I wish Emma would go out of the room so I can talk to Kate in confidence, but very few people would ask for that in a social setting. For one thing it just sparks curiosity when you presumably want discretion. It's power play. No question.

My best friend is female (I'm male). We've been friends for nearly 25 years, going back to sixth form.

She's known my DP for 15 years, and they're friends. They enjoy each others company, we have a laugh in the pub together, every so often they've met up without me to do stuff I'm not interested in (Mamma Mia in the cinema for instance)

But she's going through an absolutely horrible divorce at the moment, and it's me she wants to talk to. DP is fine with this, they're friends but they're not best friends. DP has her own best mates to have that sort of conversation with.

@Watdidusay , your opinions of this woman are very clear. You don't like her, and I think you're trying to prove she doesn't like you so that you don't have to feel guilty about that. She thinks you're friends, you don't. That's absolutely fine, but at least own your own feelings.

Yeah, i think she wanted to see if your DP would shove you out of the way for her put her first in that social setting - your own home.

About the thing in your house though, was this before or after he'd declined to meet up with her because of the private chat request?

Last week she said she wanted to speak to my DP about something in private. He asked if that meant no Watdidusay. She responded "Private." DP said he didn't feel comfortable excluding me and she accepted that he didn't meet up with her.

My friend is having some problems and wants to talk to me in confidence. She’s come round but my husband won’t leave the room. He says he should be allowed to hear everything.

i think that post would get a very clear response if posted…

For a bit more context:
I previously told her I found it hurtful when she laughed at me for worrying about my cat being very ill and having to stay overnight in the vet. She went quiet on me for 3 weeks. When she finally came back and messaged me, she said she became suicidal when I got upset with her.
From my perspective its not so much an issue about not owning feelings, but I feel like there's a lot of weight behind my choices in how I behave with her.

It's really not the same though, as two women pals wanting a natter without DH in the room.

This is a woman who disappeared out of a male friend's life for 10 years after uni, came home, made friends with the guy again AND his wife, says the pair of them are like a unit, then comes round and asks the wife to leave the room of her own house while she talks to the husband in 'private'.

It would be much less socially awkward if she'd asked to meet him for coffee somewhere to discuss this specific thing rather than doing this.

I think it's great your partner put a stop to this. It definitely shows you are his priority. I'm sure she will disappear quietly now that she isn't going to get what she wants!

@Watdidusay

You don't want to be friends with her, fair enough. It's very right to choose our own friends for what they will add to our lives. But if you don't want be friends with someone, even within a 'social group', then you can't claim the 'privileges' of friendship such as being in on private conversations.

If one of my DH's friends (male or female) that I am not close to asked me to leave a room because he wanted to speak to DH about a confidential matter, I'd be a bit 'hmmm', but I'd probably do it. Although it would be more polite for them to say "Across, I need to talk to Mr Across about a personal matter so I hope you don't mind if we nip down to the pub/sit outside/take a drive/sit in the kitchen".

Is your issue that you think she has a 'thing' for him? Has she ever done or said anything to/with him that has crossed boundaries?

See comment above

What do you mean ‘openly’, though? As I said, you don’t consider her a friend. Isn’t that all there is to it? Does there need to be some kind of formal announcement?

I mean, friendships do shift over time — an old female friend of DH’s is now closer to me, though they still go to matches together sometimes.

She’s dp friend and your only friends by association

nothing worse than having a friend and there obliged to drag there partner along to everything

sometimes you just want to talk to your friend and not have a spectator or a three way conversation

She asked for you not to be in the room in your own house? She's scent marking him @Watdidusay . Out of order.

Except that isn't what the OP said, is it? She clearly said her husband isn't comfortable having a private conversation with this woman 1:1 and told her that.

16 years is a long friendship OP. I would worry if you don't reign in possessiveness this relationship won't last long. Unless he gives you a good reason not to trust him you need to let this one go and get your own life.

I would say she was testing to see if he could be persuaded to meet her without your knowledge, if he was on board for that then he would be prioritising her over you - and the dishonesty - green light for her to muscle in basically.

She was never interested in you, you were a means to an end.

I would agree with do to cut her out now. You owe her nothing at all, nor does dp. It’s best to have zero tolerance for people like this op.

But why is the partner uncomfortable all of a sudden? He might feel pressure to behave because his partner has anxieties about other women. This can put a lot of stress on relationships.