Issues with south Asian in laws

[BlueBlanket12]

I'll start off by saying they're not hugely aware of any issues on my part but might have started thinking "she's acting slightly off" with us.

I'm not their choice of DIL as I'm not from the same country as them but this issue was overcome quickly and I was quickly accepted.
I do have a language barrier with my MIL so we don't really speak just formalities really but my husband is 1 of 8 and I speak to most of my BIL and SIL.

I've been with my DH for 14 years, have children together. We live in the same area as them, they never visit, if they want a relationship with us or the children we have to visit them.

We had a small wedding, cost around £500, it was lovely and I never thought much about it tbh, we later had a registry office wedding too.

Anyway my main issue comes from.. DH brother recently got married and it's kind of opened my eyes, they found each other online, but the families got together and arranged the wedding between them (they are from from same country same culture etc) cost around 10k which they split evenly, but my in laws gifted my new sister in law lots of expensive jewellery (gold), shoes, clothes, and really made a song and dance about the whole thing which made me reflect on my experience with them. I received no gifts, no gold, no clothes, which btw I was happy with but made me question things all these years later.

They also do not offer any help with the kids (which I don't expect) but help their own daughter/sister with childcare, school pickups (our children go to the same school) toys, etc.

There's other issues too but this will be too long.

AIBU?

I would just be pleased they weren’t so involved with you. It reflects on their values rather than yours so try not to care for their opinion - it gives you more freedom.

Well obviously they are prejudiced because you are not from their culture. Its as plain as day.

In your shoes I'd carry on being distant but polite. You will never change their minds or attitude to you (or your children) so there's little else you CAN do.

Does your DH remark on it at all?

@BMW6 Yes, he agrees with my thoughts entirely and was quite surprised when all her gifts started rolling out and that opened both of our eyes.
I've not been to visit them for many months but he does go every other week.
They do ask him why I don't go but he just makes a excuse (tired, busy etc)

I don't know which South Asian culture you're referring to, but in relation to the lack of gifts, gold etc... do you know what gifts your new SIL brought to the family?

My DH is South Asian and in his culture, new brides do get given a lot of gifts and gold jewellery etc. However, they also bring a lot of gifts too, such as big household appliances, motorbikes/cars etc. The modern version of a dowry.

I didn't bring anything when I got married and I didn't receive the same amount that a bride from that culture would have received because we all acknowledged that it was different in my case and DH told them not to expect things to be the same. Could it be something like that, do you think? Ie not a personal insult to you but merely an understanding that the usual traditions might not apply?

Re childcare help... have you ever asked?

I do think it would help quite a lot if you could make a bit more of an effort with the language so that you can communicate freely with MIL. Are your kids fluent in her language or might this also be a potential barrier?

YANBU to be hurt. I would make less effort with them. Let DH organise to take kids to see them, don’t do it anymore.

On the reasons for the gold and gifts, I can see why that might be upsetting but there could be other reasons at play.

I am Asian too I know my DH’s elder brother’s wife received a lot more gold and clothes on her marriage from PIL, because he was the favourite. Frankly this was fine with me as I have very different taste and even the jewellery I have now sits in a safety deposit box gathering dust. They are also now low contact with their youngest son, even though he married in the same culture.

Also, it sounds like you and DH and a very low key wedding followed by a registry, so there wasn’t much scope for in laws to get involved where as BIL has has a more traditional wedding.

Were the clothes sarees / shalwar kameez? Asian gold can be quite blingy and not particularly understates. I only wear it at Asian weddings. Would you have worn the clothes and gold if PIL gave them to you?

So I’m saying they do sound disengaged but it’s not necessarily due to race, but could be due to other reasons, such as just not being close to your DH.

Surely having grown up in that culture he couldn't have been surprised by the gifts that his SIL received? He must have known that this is quite normal?

I think the issue with the jewellery is difficult. It sounds as though that is part of weddings in their culture - and you and your DH chose not to have a wedding in their culture.

Regarding the childcare I suspect the language barrier is a bigger barrier than you are realising. Do your children speak their language fluently? To be honest I wouldn't offer childcare for children where we don't speak the sane language fluently, and even if they do speak the same language I'd be reluctant to do childcare where I couldn't communicate with the parents fluently.

I suspect the lack of a common language has generally impacted the kind of relationship you have with them.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves
The gifts he received back were basic things like aftershave, food hampers, some clothes. It was nothing extravagant like motorbikes or household appliances.

@JurassicFantastic
Everyone speaks English apart from my MIL.

This.

Everyone speaks English apart from my MIL

But do your children speak your MIL''s language?

Yes, but are your dc fluent in her language? If not, then that's probably why she doesn't want to care for them.

Your wedding doesn’t sound as if it was ‘their event’. Did you involve them in the same way that your BIL involved them, getting the families together for the arrangement of the wedding etc?

I have S Asian in laws. It suits me to fly under the radar of all that family involvement. I don’t need gold or shoes, and never wanted £10k spent on a wedding of any kind, let alone one that is basically a family showcase.

I am lucky, my IL s are loving and kind and good grandparents, but it is a relief to me that we are not enmeshed in the same way that one of my own SIL / BIL are.

Understandable that you feel cynical about their reasons though.

They’ll have been aware of a cultural expectation from your SIL and her parents regarding wedding gifts and jewellery, which didn’t exist for your wedding - particularly not if you made it clear from the start that you wanted to do things your own way without their input and have a very small registry office wedding. I wouldn’t read anything more into it: I highly doubt they particularly wanted to be spending significant amounts of money on those things, but knew that they had to in order to keep face.

I think it’s fairly normal for mothers to be more involved with their daughters than their daughters-in-law - particularly in traditional cultures where women are expected to facilitate things to do with the children and where there’s a language barrier between you and the DC and MIL which prevents any real relationship from forming. I get that it sucks for your kids that they don’t have the same relationship as their cousins with their grandparents, but it’s a foreseeable consequence of marrying into a family from a different culture whose language you don’t speak. I’d focus on your own side of the family and let DH sort out his.

Fair enough...I still think that some of the gifts that she was given were probably in relation to cultural expectations that they might not think would apply to you. Not necessarily to be taken as a personal insult.

We gave a lot of gold etc to my nephew's wife when he got married. We won't be giving the same to my dsis's son's wife when he gets married, not because we love him any less but simply because he has grown up with completely different expectations.

I've not been to visit them for many months but he does go every other week.
They do ask him why I don't go but he just makes a excuse (tired, busy etc)

Perfect opportunity for him to raise the discrepancy, but you need to think about what you want:

More involvement in each other's life's involves give as well as take - are you prepared for them to have an opinion on how you raise your children, how the house is run, etc? Does your DH expect to have caring responsibilities for his parents? Do you want them to do childcare/pickups and drop offs?

To answer the questions above about my children speaking the same language as my children, no they do not, they speak English.

Btw I am also south Asian just not the same country as them.

They were involved in our small wedding (not the registry), it was in a restaurant (they picked) and we just turned up to eat, nothing much else to prepare really.

Also this is not about gold, I have my own gold gifted to my by my parents.

I also have sons and think it would be unfair of me as a parent to treat one's wife different to the other.

Happy to hear thoughts though

I’m assuming you’re the same religion as you haven’t said you aren’t?

I do think Asian people can be quite tribal. It took some of my family years to properly accept DH even though we’re from the same country and religion! We are from different parts of the country and our mother tongues are different.

There is no way in hell I would offer childcare to children who didn't speak the same language as me - particularly if their mother seemed to avoid interaction with me and also didn'tspeak the same language. I'd be unable to communicate with the children, I'd have no way of knowing the mum's expectations/wishes, and I'd worry about being able to keep them safe or doing something the mum didn't approve of.

Sorry but I think expecting someone to offer childcare when neither you or the children speak that person's language is really really unreasonable and unpractical.

@Zarah123
Yes, same religion.

@JurassicFantastic
Yes I get what you're saying however it's not my MIL who offers childcare it's my DH elder sister.
Also I've never expected it like I said in my OP.

It's not just childcare, they take their other nephews/nieces on day trips, park trips and never offer to take my children, they're the same ages.

I also have sons and think it would be unfair of me as a parent to treat one's wife different to the other

But the two wives are also treating the ILs differently. One wife avoids interaction with then. The other doesn't. One wife chose to have a wedding in their culture, the other wife chose not to. Dies your DH's brother's wife speak the same language as them?

Presumably your new SIL was a from a similar culture and she and her family had expectations of these lavish gifts. You were/are not and had no such expectations. That all seems fine. I would not give it another thought.

I married into a South Asian family (I’m white) and although I’m very lucky in that my in laws never objected to me, have always treated me well, no language barrier etc., as time passes I do notice some things that hurt a little.

There is no doubt at all that I’m treated as an outsider and always will be. They are less generous with me when it comes to Christmas and birthdays compared with DH (my parents, on the other hand, treat their children and children’s partners the same). They VERY rarely visited our house and expected us to travel to them all the time.

The funniest thing is that when it comes to family photos, MIL would rather have DH pose with his cousin than with me. And if we send photos she will coo over the grandchildren and their Daddy but act like I don’t exist 🤣