Issues with south Asian in laws

[BlueBlanket12]

I'll start off by saying they're not hugely aware of any issues on my part but might have started thinking "she's acting slightly off" with us.

I'm not their choice of DIL as I'm not from the same country as them but this issue was overcome quickly and I was quickly accepted.
I do have a language barrier with my MIL so we don't really speak just formalities really but my husband is 1 of 8 and I speak to most of my BIL and SIL.

I've been with my DH for 14 years, have children together. We live in the same area as them, they never visit, if they want a relationship with us or the children we have to visit them.

We had a small wedding, cost around £500, it was lovely and I never thought much about it tbh, we later had a registry office wedding too.

Anyway my main issue comes from.. DH brother recently got married and it's kind of opened my eyes, they found each other online, but the families got together and arranged the wedding between them (they are from from same country same culture etc) cost around 10k which they split evenly, but my in laws gifted my new sister in law lots of expensive jewellery (gold), shoes, clothes, and really made a song and dance about the whole thing which made me reflect on my experience with them. I received no gifts, no gold, no clothes, which btw I was happy with but made me question things all these years later.

They also do not offer any help with the kids (which I don't expect) but help their own daughter/sister with childcare, school pickups (our children go to the same school) toys, etc.

There's other issues too but this will be too long.

AIBU?

Does DH’s elder sis have kids? Could you and DH offer to take them out with your own children to kickstart closer engagement?

Re the childcare - have you ever asked? Have you ever offered to have her children?

It’s not “fair” but I think it’s easier to accept it and (in my experience) it’s easier than being pressured by in-laws. I was given lots of gifts by my south Asian mil. Never worn/used. I donated them a few years later (saris made to measure pre children etc).

I know I’m “too western” for her and she has said “at least I’m not black” on many occasions. Honestly, if my mil was white British and as racist as she is, she’d be a social pariah. But because she’s south Asian it seems ok (not to me). I spend as little time with her as possible.

@JurassicFantastic

This is a recent thing, I've never avoided interaction with them before.
I've never treated them differently, it's only recently since the wedding I've have my guard up.

Just incase it was missed
We are both south Asian

@Zarah123 she has but they're adults.
This sister in law also never visited when we had our children, never attended the birthday parties or sends a card either.

If it's the sister helping with childcare rather than parents, maybe she just isn't as close to your DH as she is to her other siblings? Maybe they make more of an effort with her?

I think grandparents have a kind of moral obligation to treat their grandchildren fairly, but I think it's a bit different with aunts and uncles etc... so much depends on the quality and closeness of the relationships between the sibling parents.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, OP, but it kind of feels like you are looking for reasons to be offended here when maybe you don't need to be?

@aperolspritzbasicbitch
Yes many years ago we asked and hinted since then, but nothing comes of it.
Like I said earlier if we want a relationship with them we have to go to visit them they would never come here.
We get met with "you never bring them over" sometimes (if it's been a while) but they live 5 minutes away and would never come here

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Maybe, like I said nothing bothered me much until BILs wedding and I started questioning things.

I think there could be several factors at play here:

1. Gift giving is very culturally determined and as others have said your inlaws might feel the pressure more keenly within the same culture. Maybe they know what is expected of them or what the other party expects and maybe if the new in laws are from the same area they might be hoping to build a solid relationship with them or worried thst they'll lose face if the new I'm laws complain about lack of gifts.

1. Is your bills marriage an arranged marriage or within the same community? In that case they might just be more involved ij the wedding preparationa or feel more preasure to do things by the book or as per their customs.

1. Is bil's wedding in the UK or their home country?

1. Are they afraid of stepping on your toes since you are from a different culture and that's why hesitate to get involved thet much? Even if let's say you are from India and they are from Pakistan they might think that Indian women are more modern and independent and won't want to thread on your toes?

1. Have they got more money now? It's 14 years later so their financial situation may have changed.

1. Is bil the youngest child? Maybe they want to splurge one last time. Is bil somehow the golden child? Or conversely is he the oldest child and they are likely to live with him now or in the future?

1. Maybe they regret the distance between you and want to do it differently with the new daughter in law so are lavishing her with gifts to get off to a good start.

There could be so many reasons and I'm not saying they are all fantastic reasons or thst it's not unfair. Ultimately, based on my experience (I'm from South India as well) I feel that in tjis case it might be a cultural issue. Maybe because of your different cultures and the language issues they found it hard to relate to you or didn't know how to relate to you and the distance has just grown with time.

Do you feel they are nice people? Are they the kind of people you'd want to have a closer relationship with? I mean apart from this latest apparent unfairness. If not then count your lucky stars that you don't owe them anything. With us South Indians boundaries get very blurry very quickly and once you are enmeshes it's very hard to break free again. So sometimes distance is a good thing.

If you think they are nice people and you would like to be closer to them then maybe make more of an effort. If they are nice they'd be probably overjoyed and welcome you with open arms.

Sounds like the bigger the function the bigger the gifts.

What I'd say is be happy with the peace you have and let them get on with it. Something given as a gift is always seen as something that will be gained in return. Maybe they want new Daughter in law slaving away for them. When you're given less or not given anything you don't have the lifelong burden of 'paying' them back.

Please don't do this with your own kids. Break that mentality.

Playing devil’s advocate, is it possible that they assume that your mother/sister/cousins do childcare and they don’t want to seem overstepping on what traditionally might be their role to play?
I know that you’re South Asian too but is it possible that they assume that things are very different rather than quite similar? Are you different religions? This might explain why they might think that your cultural expectations are different and rather than ask, they assume that doing nothing is less offensive ?
What was your h’s relationship with his mother and siblings like pre-marriage ? If he did the bare minimum (going to mum’s house every other week while your sisters were socialising together and with mum more) then I can see why that would extend to you. Are you sure that you’d want his family more involved ? I understand that it’s nice to be asked but better to have distance than the possibility of them being overbearing and nosey, especially if birth order is a factor in how siblings and their spouses are treated (no idea if this is a factor hence the “if”)

That’s terrible, and I hope these attitudes are being stamped out now. Certainly me and my DH, cousins, SIL/BIL, nieces and nephews etc are quick to jump on any of these (rare) comments and make clear that they are unacceptable.

Oh that’s a shame.

Then I think you’re right to disengage with them.

Sorry, OP, it sounds very hurtful

Ultimately it’s their loss.

Just to try and put a positive spin on it: at least you’ll never be or feel indebted to them, they can never throw back in your face all of the things they have done for you or bought for you.

Strange as it might sound but there are some cultural differences you may not have picked up on.
In laws generally rarely go to dil house, it’s her house so they feel awkward. It’s totally normal for relationship to be at their home.
It can also be totally normal for them to try ultra hard to not overstep with your children, they know there’s a culture gap and most likely have zero clue exactly what the differences might be, so they keep a little hands off.
Surely you are aware by now that a mixed marriage was a huge big deal to them? Maybe they hid their feelings as best they could but just having a public wedding at all was their way of publicly accepting you. The common alternative is a private “in home” lunch instead!
Theres nothing to be gained by all this ruminating. Accept your differences, be grateful they aren’t over involved. Make excuses for them in your mind and assume that there are cultural differences you aren’t aware of.

Could it not be because you had a small wedding?

We had a Covid wedding, so I would have had the usual gold, gifts, attention, etc, but in the end I had none of it because it was a small wedding. I wonder if that was part of the reason.

Also, how similar are your weddings culturally?

Sounds like you will be last in line when they need help in their dotage...
Bloody perfect imo.

What sort of involvement has your DH had with his nieces & nephews? Has he taken them out on day trips, sent cards, provided childcare?

Hi OP, just to give a different perspective, I am also south Asian and when my brother recently got married we gave our new SIL lots of extravant gifts. However all of this was paid for by my brother and didn't cost us anything. I was happy to make the hampers, and essentially he let me run with whatever design idea I had (the modern hampers are quite luxurious!) and he ended up spending thousands of which he happily paid for everything.

If my brother wasn't willing to spend anything then we wouldn't have given such Hugh end luxury items.

I think they have accepted you on your terms. If they had tried to push for a bigger wedding and more input in the DCs lives, you would likely have complained about that as well.

You cannot pick and choose the bits of their culture that benefit you, and ignore the bits that don't suit you.

I would see it as a sign of respect and care that they have paid attention to what you want, the smaller wedding, to bring up your children in a way that they don't speak the same language as MIL (how could she provide you decent childcare in that context). The fact they haven't pressured you to change to fit in with them is a really nice thing, TBH, I would work on appreciating that.

Everyone is stepping around this and not calling it out for what it is - racism. You're from a different south Asian country and they don't consider you equal. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Is it caste? Aside from the country of origin difference is there also a caste difference (if Hindu)? If Muslim this doesn’t apply, technically, but the difference between being from the home village or culture vs not is enormous.

While the couple met online their family may be more familiar and socially important than yours because they are connected through the home community. the duty to keep up family standing with these gifts was also necessitated by the involvement of the other family. The gifts are a proxy for a promise of good treatment. Would the marriage have happened without them? Yours would. But new sister in law’s might not.

@pikkumyy77 Hindus rarely care about castes these days 🙄

It's very unusual to have a small wedding like you did. You wouldn't really call it a wedding. South Asians weddings are all about showing off and that's probably why they gifted her such extravagant gifts. I don't know about the childcare though.

@Ohdearohdearohdea although thankfully the caste situation is much better, it still exists... dalits in India are routinely beaten and killed. intercaste couples face huge pressures (and are killed in some cases). I even have friends in the uk who do care about the caste system I.e. only want to marry within their caste. hopefully in the next couple of decades, it will improve

Muslim Pakistanis also still follow the caste system despite having converted from Hinduism five/six generations earlier. its a real problem.

I am from Bangladesh and we definitely have a caste problem among the Hindu community there. I am Muslim but come from an area with a high Hindu population and there is still discrimination against lower castes.