Issues with south Asian in laws

[BlueBlanket12]

I'll start off by saying they're not hugely aware of any issues on my part but might have started thinking "she's acting slightly off" with us.

I'm not their choice of DIL as I'm not from the same country as them but this issue was overcome quickly and I was quickly accepted.
I do have a language barrier with my MIL so we don't really speak just formalities really but my husband is 1 of 8 and I speak to most of my BIL and SIL.

I've been with my DH for 14 years, have children together. We live in the same area as them, they never visit, if they want a relationship with us or the children we have to visit them.

We had a small wedding, cost around £500, it was lovely and I never thought much about it tbh, we later had a registry office wedding too.

Anyway my main issue comes from.. DH brother recently got married and it's kind of opened my eyes, they found each other online, but the families got together and arranged the wedding between them (they are from from same country same culture etc) cost around 10k which they split evenly, but my in laws gifted my new sister in law lots of expensive jewellery (gold), shoes, clothes, and really made a song and dance about the whole thing which made me reflect on my experience with them. I received no gifts, no gold, no clothes, which btw I was happy with but made me question things all these years later.

They also do not offer any help with the kids (which I don't expect) but help their own daughter/sister with childcare, school pickups (our children go to the same school) toys, etc.

There's other issues too but this will be too long.

AIBU?

@BlueBlanket12 Hi OP, it is difficult to judge from your post how much of the situation is due to racism/tribalism (we don't talk enough about the rampant racism within South Asian communities) and how much is due to lack of engagement from both sides.

really after 14 years, the reasons matter less and less. the more important question is how do you want to move forward?

do you want to be closer to them? sounds like you don't like them very much? one consequence of becoming closer is less independence and care responsibilities later...

but if you do want to be closer, I would learn the language. it would be pretty easy as south Asian languages are interrelated. tbh I would have learned the language before marriage as I think being able to communicate with PIL is a very basic way to have a good relationship. and also I would encourage your DH to teach your children his native language. it's a minimum that they should be able to speak to granny - even if it is just a few sentences.

and then I would just make more effort for the next few months. if nothing is reciprocated then probably there is no point and I would take a step back.

I get feeling a bit slighted, but it sounds like it was your choice and preference to have a small wedding, which you are totally entitled to. I know there are some formalities about gifts at some Asian weddings, particularly gold jewellery and I'm not sure it was a rejection of you so much as it didn't seem appropriate to them give those sorts of gifts at a small wedding, and maybe you they assumed you didn't want that. But as BIL was having a traditional wedding, therefore they did the traditional gift giving.

I know there are some formalities about gifts at some Asian weddings, particularly gold jewellery and I'm not sure it was a rejection of you so much as it didn't seem appropriate to them give those sorts of gifts at a small wedding, and maybe you they assumed you didn't want that.

I agree with this @Echobelly, but one thing that occurred to me after reading your post is that sometimes, these grand displays of generosity come primarily from a place of duty and tradition and… showing off? Not necessarily from a place of love and generosity (although of course that often is the case!).

Knowing what I know about my South Asian family, sometimes they can be very weird and penny pinching when it comes to gift giving 😂 OMG the regifting!

I don’t think it’s necessarily correct to assume that the OP didn’t receive elaborate gifts because she wouldn’t have welcomed them, rather that the family saw an opportunity to not give elaborate gifts and were more than happy not to bother 😅

I have to say, I like your situation, they don't meddle (I hope) in your life. Mine live in my but and won't leave. I am the same caste and race as them, this is an arranged marriage, with all this, they still hate me and my MIL is very very tough to deal with. I am 32 and she is 65. Constant silent treatment, constant bad vibes, she visits for 3 months at a time and in between my FIL goes back and forth. Its a mess. Constantly home feeling like its not my home. I am OCD clean and she touches everything with oily fingers. She's so bored of being here but won't leave, but goes to other relatives home. I am almost 100% shes talking smack about me trying to renovate my home. I chose to take down the fan in my room and she lost her brain cells about it. Mind you, she doesn't live here (USA), she has her own home in Canada. So i told her, go put big fans in all the rooms there, I won't say anything, here, I don't want them. LOL This lives in her head rent free and I heard her talking about it to my SIL with vicious language.

Maybe they were trying to respond in relation to your cultural heritage; whereas this new bride has different expectations.

Giving gold and clothes in an extravagant manner in South Asian marriages has something to do with trying to
Impress the in-laws as well...