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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex shouldn't be taking dc on holiday?

64 replies

pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:03

...when he claims he can't pay any CM? I know he is low income but he recently came into a large inheritance which he didn't declare, despite having arrears. I have a claim open but they say he doesn't need to pay anything due to having them a few nights per fortnight and being low income. We've been split for 10 years and this is the only time he's taken them.

However, he took them away for a week in last year (wanted 2 weeks but they didn't want to be away that long) and is now planning another trip for this year. He's also always taking them out for meals when they're with him. I don't want to be petty, but I'm sick of him paying nothing, buying nothing for them and then prioritising holidays. Kids aren't bothered about the holidays - they've been on plenty with me and don't like being away all the time in the school holidays and they also find ex a bit difficult to be around at times, though obviously he is their dad and they love him. They aren't desperate to be on holidays with him though - this is for him as I know he's pissed off they've been away with me loads and not with him.

It's not so much CMS but the fact that they will be at uni in a few years and will get minimum loan because of my income, which will make things very tight. If he has extra money now, why can't he put it away for that? Also, I am supposed to give him a lump sum in 6 years when youngest is 21 and I'm starting to resent that more and more.

Would I be UR to go back to CMS and say I feel he has more money than he is revealing as he's planning these holidays? Or message him at least?

OP posts:
kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:07

Two different issues.... yes tell CMS he was received an inheritance

He has every right to take his children on holiday, despite them going with you loads, you sound incredibly unreasonable about that.

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:09

Ok, but why? Why is it ok to spend money on non-essentials when you don't provide any of the essentials? I'm sure if as RP I wasn't keeping them well-fed, clothed and with the resources they need for school, that would be more than frowned upon? So why can he?

OP posts:
MissersMercer · 14/01/2024 21:12

Agree with @kisstheblarney. You sound petty.

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:13

pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:09

Ok, but why? Why is it ok to spend money on non-essentials when you don't provide any of the essentials? I'm sure if as RP I wasn't keeping them well-fed, clothed and with the resources they need for school, that would be more than frowned upon? So why can he?

I said go to CMS about that!

But all the "they don't want to go", they go lots with me anyway.

If you're that worried about money for uni, take them in less holidays and save that money? Then let their father take them for two eeeks?

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 21:14

I can understand and empathise with everything you're saying.

BUT you're banging your head against a brick wall here as the CMS are shit and your ex will not change.

Just an aside about the kids/holiday though. If they're looking forward to it, they'll be well aware of the situation between their parents are so are likely to play it down in front of you.

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:16

@kisstheblarney I did tell CMS about the inheritance but they said there was nothing they could do as he had already bought a house with it at that point. They did say he was 'naughty' not to have declared it though, so that was helpful. So your answer is for me to not have the holidays I enjoy so I can save everything for uni while also being the only one to support them financially now. Ok.

OP posts:
bluechicky · 14/01/2024 21:20

Don't play games... the kids deserve memories with their dad on holiday. Go to cms sure but don't make it about what he does on his time.

Notadoormat4 · 14/01/2024 21:20

Inheritance isn't classed as income therefore CMS can't do anything about it.

Perhaps you could open up a discussion regarding the lump sum if you feel that's unfair. Or speak to a solicitor.

Maybe your children do want to go but they're too worried about upsetting you 😬

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:21

pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:16

@kisstheblarney I did tell CMS about the inheritance but they said there was nothing they could do as he had already bought a house with it at that point. They did say he was 'naughty' not to have declared it though, so that was helpful. So your answer is for me to not have the holidays I enjoy so I can save everything for uni while also being the only one to support them financially now. Ok.

You asked for an opinions, you got it.

You sound bitter, as PP said they're unlikely to tell you they look forward to it.

WhatanEmbarrasment · 14/01/2024 21:22

Wish my ex wanted to take our kids on holiday. Agree you sound petty

TinselTitts · 14/01/2024 21:23

All my 3 DC went to Uni with minimum loans.

They got part-time jobs and paid their own way.

WandaWonder · 14/01/2024 21:24

pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:09

Ok, but why? Why is it ok to spend money on non-essentials when you don't provide any of the essentials? I'm sure if as RP I wasn't keeping them well-fed, clothed and with the resources they need for school, that would be more than frowned upon? So why can he?

You have right to get what you are entitled too

You have no right to dictate what he does with his money not matter how many 'it's not fair! Wahhhhh' times you think it

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 14/01/2024 21:24

So your answer is for me to not have the holidays I enjoy so I can save everything for uni

Yet you are criticising him for the same? Having holidays he enjoys rather than saving

If you talk about him like this in front of the DC then they might not feel capable of expressing how they really feel because of concern you'll be upset and act badly to them

Blueeyedmale · 14/01/2024 21:25

I totally understand what you are saying op and I think everyone else is understanding the fact he does not pay maintenance.he should not have brought the house that should have gone on paying for his children.

There is not much you can do about the cms and the holiday it's just him taking his children away and they don't seem to be objecting to that.whilst he is clearly wrong for not paying maintenance.the holidays there is nothing wrong in this.

Annacondas · 14/01/2024 21:25

You sound bitter, but in your shoes I’d be bitter as hell too.

Id also not be paying him a penny in 6 years, let him take you to court

Catusrusty · 14/01/2024 21:25

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:13

I said go to CMS about that!

But all the "they don't want to go", they go lots with me anyway.

If you're that worried about money for uni, take them in less holidays and save that money? Then let their father take them for two eeeks?

Show quote history

Wow bossy much!?

Go to the CMS about that because I told you to!!

The CMS won't help, they're useless.

Then your advice to the OP who is already doing all of the parenting and financial support is to go without her much needed holiday, to make up for the father's lack of financial support? Poor form.

Of course you're not being unreasonable OP, anyway in your position would feel resentful of your useless ex

You need to talk to a solicitor about the payout though. If you can prove he owes you money for child support from the inheritance it could be a useful negotiating point.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 14/01/2024 21:25

Thing is, your DC know who is funding them.

In the long run, you'll benefit from this and they'll probably not bother much with him, as he's not funded them properly.

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:27

@Catusrusty stop being bossy telling OP to go to a solicitor, because you say so!!

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:29

DC are completely frank with me. When they went on the one last year, ds1 was absolutely raging about it off and on for weeks leading up to it, and very intensely in the few days before. It got to the point where I wondered whether I should say he didn't have to go, but rages when he's stressed are his thing so I didn't. He was stressed about it because ex and ds2 clash quite a bit and ds1 finds that hard to deal with. He also finds ex disorganised and 'lazy' - his words, and was worried they would spend a lot of time stuck in the apartment. I had to talk through scenarios with him about how he could deal with that etc.

In the event, he did enjoy it overall and told me he was happy with what ex had organised. DS1 loved history/travel, so it was always likely he's have a good time. However, ds2 did not enjoy it and rang me in tears at one point. He frequently talks about how ex got angry with him about not enjoying it. He's not keen on going away again at all. DS1 says he wouldn't mind either way but he definitely doesn't want it to be in the summer. That's it, whether people believe it or not.

OP posts:
bluechicky · 14/01/2024 21:30

So your answer is for me to not have the holidays I enjoy so I can save everything for uni while also being the only one to support them financially now. Ok. well yeah ultimately that's what it boils down to

Spirallingdownwards · 14/01/2024 21:30

Your annoyance about him having money for holidays but not stepping up to his maintenance responsibilities is understandable. However unfortunately CMS only deals with claims against income. As annoying and irritating as it may be for you be thankful he does want to spend some on the kids rather than him spending it all on himself, wine, women and song.

As regards uni if they will only get minimum loans it does suggest you earn over £65k and whilst I appreciate you have your own outgoings the loans are based on the household income which means you are better off than many (which I do appreciate you may not feel like you are!)

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:31

Yet you are criticising him for the same? Having holidays he enjoys rather than saving

God how is it remotely the same when I support them financially and he has spent NO MONEY on them for 10 years???

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 14/01/2024 21:31

Why would you give him a lump sum?

bluechicky · 14/01/2024 21:32

Blueeyedmale · 14/01/2024 21:25

I totally understand what you are saying op and I think everyone else is understanding the fact he does not pay maintenance.he should not have brought the house that should have gone on paying for his children.

There is not much you can do about the cms and the holiday it's just him taking his children away and they don't seem to be objecting to that.whilst he is clearly wrong for not paying maintenance.the holidays there is nothing wrong in this.

He needed somewhere to live

missmollygreen · 14/01/2024 21:34

I really disagree with using children as a weapon.
Yes he should pay CM, yes he can take them on holiday.