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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex shouldn't be taking dc on holiday?

64 replies

pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:03

...when he claims he can't pay any CM? I know he is low income but he recently came into a large inheritance which he didn't declare, despite having arrears. I have a claim open but they say he doesn't need to pay anything due to having them a few nights per fortnight and being low income. We've been split for 10 years and this is the only time he's taken them.

However, he took them away for a week in last year (wanted 2 weeks but they didn't want to be away that long) and is now planning another trip for this year. He's also always taking them out for meals when they're with him. I don't want to be petty, but I'm sick of him paying nothing, buying nothing for them and then prioritising holidays. Kids aren't bothered about the holidays - they've been on plenty with me and don't like being away all the time in the school holidays and they also find ex a bit difficult to be around at times, though obviously he is their dad and they love him. They aren't desperate to be on holidays with him though - this is for him as I know he's pissed off they've been away with me loads and not with him.

It's not so much CMS but the fact that they will be at uni in a few years and will get minimum loan because of my income, which will make things very tight. If he has extra money now, why can't he put it away for that? Also, I am supposed to give him a lump sum in 6 years when youngest is 21 and I'm starting to resent that more and more.

Would I be UR to go back to CMS and say I feel he has more money than he is revealing as he's planning these holidays? Or message him at least?

OP posts:
Ohdearwhatnow4 · 14/01/2024 21:34

Who provides clothes and that when they go as legally you don't have to, although don't let kids suffer

Blueeyedmale · 14/01/2024 21:34

bluechicky · 14/01/2024 21:32

He needed somewhere to live

Show quote history

And his children deserve to be financially supported

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:36

I don't use them as a weapon. That would be stopping them seeing him or something. I think it's immoral and selfish thinking you have a right to take your kids on holiday but you don't have a responsibility to provide things they actually need or do jobs you don't much enjoy so that you can support them.

OP posts:
KnowledgeableMomma · 14/01/2024 21:38

Not in the UK, so unsure if 'rules' are the same but here, inheritance isn't counted as income so it cannot be used/accounted in child support monies.

Londonrach1 · 14/01/2024 21:39

You do sound bitter. Of course he allowed to take his dc on holiday. The inheritance go via the cm and get it dealt with separately.

thingsarelookingup · 14/01/2024 21:39

Surely you can deduct owed maintenance from the lump sum you have to give him?

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:40

You make a comment he hasn't done it for ten years, but now he's got money he is!

Surely that's a positive?

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:41

The inheritance is largely gone anyway but, yes, I find it ridiculous that he inherited £200k + and at no point sked me if the kids needed anything/offered to buy them, dunno, a winter coat each or something. Anything to acknowledge that they are his responsibility. He did take them on a city break but it was pointless and they came back frustrated that they wandered around not doing a lot.

OP posts:
kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:43

pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:41

The inheritance is largely gone anyway but, yes, I find it ridiculous that he inherited £200k + and at no point sked me if the kids needed anything/offered to buy them, dunno, a winter coat each or something. Anything to acknowledge that they are his responsibility. He did take them on a city break but it was pointless and they came back frustrated that they wandered around not doing a lot.

But you said DS1 enjoyed it?

ElevenSeven · 14/01/2024 21:44

CMS only look at income.

Inheritance wouldn’t be assessed.

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:44

My understanding is that CM and our financial order settlement are completely separate and I will have no legal leg to stand on if I try and use all this as a way to get out of paying him the lump sum. It is 50% of his 50ish% of our assets as they stood at the time we split. I bought him out of the house but had no way to raise the other £10k so it has had to be deferred. He pissed the other £15k up the wall 10 years ago as soon as he got it, and I imagine the other £10k, due as soon as ds2 finishes uni, will go the same way. Damn right I'm bitter.

OP posts:
WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 14/01/2024 21:45

@pinotnow

what a cunt he is, but that's why he's an ex!

how old are your boys?

£200k and he still wants more off you in a few years when he's paid nothing towards his childrens upbringing. Wanker.

I would do everything in my power not to pay him a penny.

mo idea what's going on on MN tonight, I'm sorry you got so many weird replies!

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:45

@kisstheblarney I didn't count the city break as a holiday. DS1 enjoyed the week's holiday last year, less so the city break the year before.

OP posts:
Lovethistimeofyear · 14/01/2024 21:47

OP does sound bitter and she has every right to.

And I don’t understand why people are giving the OP a hard time! Man has children, man can’t support them financially but can buy house and go on holiday. Women takes on all responsibility for the care of her kids with the exception of the father seeing them a few times a fortnight - it’s essentially babysitting and not parenting. Yet the mum is accused of being bitter and people are suggesting that she stops taking them on holiday so that SHE can save for uni?

He can’t afford to pay money to support his children but he can afford to take them
on holiday? How does that even work?

Come on now mumsnetters - let’s try and support women instead of supporting the men who let us down time and time again.

OP - your kids will know who they can rely on trust me. I was brought up by a single parent. My useless father contributed nothing financially or otherwise. I always knew who I could rely on and who loved and cared for me the most because she showed it in so many ways.

BananaSpanner · 14/01/2024 21:49

I hear you OP. Yes, I can’t imagine not dedicating some of that inheritance to my DC, even if it was putting some aside for them for uni. Are you sure he hasn’t tho?

Are you on speaking terms? Could you ask him to start saving for them for uni or contribute to something that needs buying now?

I totally understand why you are angry that he doesn’t pay a penny towards their day to day living but has enough money to take them on holidays they are not fussed about.

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:49

pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:45

@kisstheblarney I didn't count the city break as a holiday. DS1 enjoyed the week's holiday last year, less so the city break the year before.

. We've been split for 10 years and this is the only time he's taken them.

So this is very misleading .... it's not the first time he's taken them away in 10 years, but you don't deem city breaks to be a holiday?

Anyway he's not taking them on a city break this year, so that's good?

EC22 · 14/01/2024 21:52

You shouldn’t grudge your children getting taken for meals or on holiday, that’s ridiculous. I understand being annoyed at lack of maintenance but you shouldn’t confuse the two. At least he spends money on his kids when he has them.

Lovethistimeofyear · 14/01/2024 21:52

@kisstheblarney talk about missing the point - two holidays in 10 years.

Are you a waste of space dad who takes
his kids to soft play and McDonald’s once a fortnight in place of actually parenting them?

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:53

Lovethistimeofyear · 14/01/2024 21:52

@kisstheblarney talk about missing the point - two holidays in 10 years.

Are you a waste of space dad who takes
his kids to soft play and McDonald’s once a fortnight in place of actually parenting them?

He didn't have money before.... now he has he's taking the kids on holiday and for meals?

As many others have said OP sounds bitter!

Lovethistimeofyear · 14/01/2024 21:53

She doesn’t grudge her children anything!! She grudges her ex’s inability to prioritise what his children need.

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:53

I don't know what you're getting at @kisstheblarney to be honest. I forgot to mention the city break - it was 1 or 2 nights in a city about an hour away where they had already been. I don't particularly think it's good that he's taking them on a proper holiday, no, as, as I think I've made clear, I don't think holidays alone are the marker of a good parent. Far from it.

OP posts:
Lovethistimeofyear · 14/01/2024 21:54

@kisstheblarney but now he has money he still does not contribute to what they NEED.

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:55

pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:53

I don't know what you're getting at @kisstheblarney to be honest. I forgot to mention the city break - it was 1 or 2 nights in a city about an hour away where they had already been. I don't particularly think it's good that he's taking them on a proper holiday, no, as, as I think I've made clear, I don't think holidays alone are the marker of a good parent. Far from it.

No I agree!

But your comments about ever aspect of what he does on holiday, city breaks etc, just makes you sound biter IMO!

kisstheblarney · 14/01/2024 21:55

Lovethistimeofyear · 14/01/2024 21:54

@kisstheblarney but now he has money he still does not contribute to what they NEED.

What do they NEED?

Original poster
pinotnow · 14/01/2024 21:57

EC22 · 14/01/2024 21:52

You shouldn’t grudge your children getting taken for meals or on holiday, that’s ridiculous. I understand being annoyed at lack of maintenance but you shouldn’t confuse the two. At least he spends money on his kids when he has them.

He doesn't though. Meals out are for his convenience and, now you mention it, annoy the kids as they involve traipsing around town after 30 minutes on the bus to get there. They really don't want it to be honest. I hear much ranting about that too. He buys the nothing else - ds2 asked him if he could get him some clothes once and he said 'no, ask your mum.'

OP posts: