To feel sad at losing the rose tinted view of my parents?

[Missingmybabysomuch]

I don't know how to explain it, it's like in the last year or so I've just started to see my parents as actual people, flaws and all, rather than the idealistic version I had growing up.
I had a good upbringing, well provided for, fairly typical middle class upbringing with a stable home life, parents together and happy, close knit family without any drama, lots of extra curricular opportunities, a few holidays abroad a year etc. I was a total daddy's girl and adored both my parents. Since leaving home I've always phoned every couple of days and visited as often as I could. I have an older brother but I've always been the "go to" person for help required etc. But increasingly now it feels like they tolerate me more than they like me.

For various reasons over the last year I feel like the rose tinted cover has fallen away and I'm almost grieving the version of them that I thought they were.
It turns out in reality my dad is incredibly uncompromising, belligerent and incapable of seeing things from anyone else's perspective. He point blank refuses to discuss anything he disagrees with. My mum is very independent, and to be honest as much as she loves us, I think she would have been happy in a life without children.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense, I'm just feeling very sad and lost. Its like I didn't really know them at all. I don't know what I'm hoping for from this, maybe just to see if anyone else ever had the same?

To clarify - its not that I think they are totally awful people or my whole childhood was a lie, just that it's like the parents I had in my head and the parents in front of me are 2 different people and it's hard to accept that they are one and the same. I don't know if older age (they are in their 60s) has made them more set in their ways and cantankerous (dad) and more detached from us (mum) or whether they've always been like it but just hid it better when we were younger 🤷

Yeah we are in this camp too. I see it as a good thing. I am so far off perfect and I don’t want to be seen as anywhere near it by anyone. Too much pressure. I enjoy being average, I can take the criticism. I can even grow and learn when it’s warranted.

@upwardsonwards agree . I have definitely learned a lot from my wise children. Swings and roundabouts 😊

Interesting thread. I actually think people do this with their partners as well. Have a view of them and a narrative of happy family life and when they get older they realise that the reality was very different - not necessarily unhappy or abusive - simply very different.

OP you dont say how old you are. But when I realised my parents were fallible normal imperfect people, as late as my 30s. It was liberating. Accepting you parents weren’t perfect means you get to forgive your present and future self for mistakes made, because you can finally accept you weren’t brought up perfectly and you won’t be able to bring your children up perfectly either.
and all any of us can do is try our best in the moment.

It's not an age thing on their part. They have always been the same. It's an age thing on your side as you are no longer see them as a child. It's very hard to grow up and understand that your parents aren't what they seem to be.

No advice really but just understand that they are what they are. It is for you to are decide for yourself as an adult what you want your relationship to be with them. (For me it was a tolerant and good natured on my part relationship with my mother who was awful, a great relationship with my Dad who was lovely, a civil relationship with my awful brother until my parents were both gone. Then absolutely no contact)

Not necessarily people can change a lot with age - they can get more rigid and intolerant - the Victor Meldrew effect and lack of serotonin. They can also withdraw and lose interest in family and want to focus on their own interests like DM.

I am probably the same age as your mum and I expect my adult children may call me independent because in your 60s you have the freedom and the desire to be selfish and do things you want to because honestly for us time is running out. We are in the autumn of our lives and whilst I love my children dearly I raised them to be independent and they now have their own families and lives. I hope that doesn't make me detached though as I still take an interest in them and enjoy spending time with them and my grandchildren.

Maybe your mum also feels if she can't do what she wants now when can she and also as we get older we don't want to be seen as needy or vulnerable. Perhaps you just see them differently but some do get more belligerent as they get older like your Dad. They are people as well as your parents. If you had a good childhood they did something right. If you are hiding things about you is that to protect yourself or because you think they wouldn't understand?

I'm 62- people change and evolve themselves continually- it doesn't stop because you are post 45. I have to be honest I find a lot of people under say 32 incredibly immature and needy - and quite demanding- even though they are adults compared to how I was at that age. I am not actually blaming them, I think it's the whole system - uni , then shared houses for years and years , non committment to careers and jobs, poor socialisation due to home working in some cases before they were ready for it, travelling included on CVs - almost as if it's part of a career when they've hardly even started- we are ending up with a load of kidults- especially in men.

Your parents are people with lives- and they don't always remain static - just as you don't. So yep- you might no longer like them much- that's sadly life!

Women's oxytocin (love and bonding hormones) levels go down in menopause, all my female friends love their older teens/adults, but many of them do just want to get on with living their lives rather than keeping up the intensity of parenting.

I have gone through this phase with my mum, although now I'm back on thinking she's a saint to have put up with me and my children's troubles this past decade.

I'm not a perfect parent, and I've definitely made some mistakes, some which I regret quite a lot (the same ones of my friends interestingly, being frazzled and shouty). I don't mind my children being angry about that, I didn't put my best foot forward at times. I've told them if they are still banging on about it when they are 25 upwards, and blaming me for their life problems though, they need to go into therapy because you can't keep holding your parents responsible for your life past a certain point (you can see why they did stuff but I don't like this current trend to blame or 'tell your truth' to your poor mum who did her best as a couple of my friends adult children have done, especially when the mum was the only one doing any parenting at all in most cases).

I’ve always been very observant of people and I actually began to understand my mums flaws and her human side as a teen when my parents divorced. Being exposed to that side of her at such a young age (she never did anything bad - I just overheard convos and noticed her interactions with friends etc) - made me feel like she was putting on an act of lying infront of us.

This didn’t get better in my 20s (so no- it wasn’t just me being a teen - our personalities clashed and it was difficult). But then somewhere in my late 20s something in me clicked that she was just a human. If she wasn’t my mum, maybe I wouldn’t “like” her, but with all of the sacrifices that she has made and the fact that I haven’t turned out too bad - I couldn’t be mad at her.

I think I parent my dd very differently and she is much more exposed to “mummy as a human” - that’s because I share some of my life experiences with her (when she was bullied at school I sit with her and explain that I was too as a child or if she is struggling to communicate with a friend, I’ll give her a real life example of a work situation). We have a much more open relationship with boundaries and I often wonder when the rose tinted lenses will drop from her eye haha.

I kinda relate to your mom in that I like my time to myself and have somewhat particular interests, but I love my son and want to provide him with extracurriculars etc. It sounds like your parents provided you with a good childhood, but now that their adults, they have more time for themselves. All I'm trying to say is maybe you got a different version of your mom then than you are now, but they're both her, if that makes sense.

Do you feel like your parents were just going through the motions?

Your parents sound very uninvolved in your life if they don’t know you had a suicide attempt. I hope you had therapy which helped. You could try asking if they have any health concerns to see if there’s a reason they’re so distant (your mother sounds like she might be depressed) but they might not want to open up.

This is really an odd one isn't it and I've seen it from several sides. I did go into therapy in my 30s as my childhood was quite traumatic. And I had parents with very little interest or support when I had kids and I felt very isolated.

I'd be heartbroken if my kids felt the same about me at this stage. I know we're not perfect happy families but I've given my all to parenting but have health conditions and low income and know this has affected what we could do.

They will want to be able to afford a house with more space and a different life and I imagine will initially be a bit resentful if they do start careers but I really don't want them not wanting to see me or feeling like people in this thread :(

I guess too when mine were under 12 I was an awesome parent - as their needs were fairly easily fixed and I could organise a fun craft or arrange a play date of their favourite meal.

Parenting teens I feel so out of my depth and that I'm getting it wrong. Along with menopause I don't have energy to keep house perfect/keep on top of work and be permanently available to them. And the things they want are no longer easily affordable by us.

It really does break my heart that after all this and what will be 20 years of my life dedicated to them that it may be not good enough and they'll be in therapy looking at my failures.

I went through something similar in my late 30's as did my partner. I think it is developmentally normal, especially after becoming a parent yourself. The final "differentiation" process happens when you truly separate from your family of origin. Please don't despair, I have built a different and frankly better relationship with my mum. I have pretty much given up on Dad but I can see him making an effort with my children, which I appreciate. You aren't alone in going through this, in fact I think it is pretty healthy.

Thus all sounds completely natural. And as you become a mum and parent your own child, you see your parents differently.

What age was your suicide attempt? Would you describe yourself as having bad anxiety? Have you had counselling about this? You say your childhood was good, but was it? You say that your dad thinks you are too cautious as a parent, but you probably are, because you are inherently of that ilk, timid and cautious. Why? Why aren't you more confident in your own skin?

I am sorry that you are feeling like this, its must be hard . I do think it could possibly be partly due to their age , less willing to 'bend' is not uncommon sadly.
I will never feel this way as i had a rather s..t childhood so nothing really surprised when I got older .

I think with young children I became very critical of my parents and was hyper aware of how I wanted to parent differently. All the things they'd done which had affected me badly.

In many ways I have done things differently. But now my kids are late teens, I see how difficult it is and I've made very many mistakes - often different ones - myself. There are also just intrinsic character/ circumstances, which no one can accept blame for.

I'm dreading this stage for my kids when they start blaming me or seeing all the bad things about me! They do mess around with me (there is a lot of taking the piss) so I hope they see and accept me for who I am rather than idolise me and come crashing down. But I'm sure there will be a point where they feel (even if they don't say), I wish you weren't this or that and hadn't done this or that.

To be honest, parents do largely "tolerate" their adult children.

Kids grow up, move out and the parent gets their life back, they can have the house the way they want, not dealing with kids' mess and chaos, not being pummelled by their music or opinions. Then they come back and no matter how charming, carry on like kids wanting things done for them and assuming mum's happy to cook/pay/listen to long-winded opinions.

It's a dance. It's lovely to see them and lovely to have space back when they go.

of course we see our parents differently as we get older. They also see us differently and people do change with age. Their manner changes. You will be more confident and approach them as an adult now. Hugely different dynamic. You say you had a good childhood and felt loved. Great. That is not diminished by your current feelings. It’s still valid. Now move onto how you currently interact and view them now you’re an adult. That may look different for all of you. Yes I am sure they still love you but it naturally is a different form of the love they had for you as a child. They can be more independent. You are not reliant on them. As people get older their views often become more entrenched. It’s normal. Ease up and give everyone a break. And yes, your children will feel like this about you too one day.

I had this realisation a few years ago when my child was born.

However, all of us have flaws and none of us are perfect. Sometimes we do things wrong.
Unless, significant and cruel, please try not to become bitter about it.

One of my parents recently died, and when ill, I forgot all those petty flaws (which they were) and realised how much I loved them.

Your parents are probably just like all of us - muddling along to do their best.

You’re using their flaws against them.

You suspect your mum would have been perfectly happy without kids but despite that she made a huge effort to give you a happy childhood.

You say your dad is inflexible but sounds like he hid this well for you to just be noticing now, so I expect he was very flexible throughout your childhood by putting your needs first.

My parents aren’t perfect. My dad can be very difficult and tends to only see the worst in people outside of our family - but he is also incredible with his grandchildren and fun for all the kids to be around and he brought that energy to my childhood. My mum lacks empathy and has a “just get on with it” attitude but she has supported me and my brothers through a lot and has softened as she became a grandmother, but also taught me resilience.

My dad worked away mostly and my mum was very violent and mean. She told me everyone hated me and noone would ever love me. It was a relief to leave home. I still tried to make her like me right through to when she died. I guess my point is that people are just people whether children, parents, prime ministers or whatever. We're all flawed and mostly doing our best. You don't magically become different when you're a parent. Sounds like your parents did an incredibly good job in providing you with a lovely childhood. Maybe lower your expectations and try to enjoy them for who they are rather than what you need from them.