To feel sad at losing the rose tinted view of my parents?

[Missingmybabysomuch]

I don't know how to explain it, it's like in the last year or so I've just started to see my parents as actual people, flaws and all, rather than the idealistic version I had growing up.
I had a good upbringing, well provided for, fairly typical middle class upbringing with a stable home life, parents together and happy, close knit family without any drama, lots of extra curricular opportunities, a few holidays abroad a year etc. I was a total daddy's girl and adored both my parents. Since leaving home I've always phoned every couple of days and visited as often as I could. I have an older brother but I've always been the "go to" person for help required etc. But increasingly now it feels like they tolerate me more than they like me.

For various reasons over the last year I feel like the rose tinted cover has fallen away and I'm almost grieving the version of them that I thought they were.
It turns out in reality my dad is incredibly uncompromising, belligerent and incapable of seeing things from anyone else's perspective. He point blank refuses to discuss anything he disagrees with. My mum is very independent, and to be honest as much as she loves us, I think she would have been happy in a life without children.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense, I'm just feeling very sad and lost. Its like I didn't really know them at all. I don't know what I'm hoping for from this, maybe just to see if anyone else ever had the same?

To clarify - its not that I think they are totally awful people or my whole childhood was a lie, just that it's like the parents I had in my head and the parents in front of me are 2 different people and it's hard to accept that they are one and the same. I don't know if older age (they are in their 60s) has made them more set in their ways and cantankerous (dad) and more detached from us (mum) or whether they've always been like it but just hid it better when we were younger 🤷

I think your thoughts and feelings will change more than once. I had a lovely childhood but my parents frustrated me greatly in my late 20s and 30s when my life was unlike theirs at the same age. I'm older now with DC so can see all they did for me and can also see how calm and compassionate my mum is, even in her 80s. The tint might return!

I'm a bit puzzled by how your feelings have swung from one extreme to the other. I think it's normal as we get older to see our parents as humans with flaws and not the amazing humans we loved so much as children. But you're describing going from finding your parents wonderful to sounding frankly quite hateful of them, almost like you can't stand them, which doesn't sound justified. I don't think that is typical and I think you should consider some counselling to unpack what's going on. Do you think your pedestal was so high that now it's gone it's triggered resentment for you?

Wow its so helpful reading these replies, thank you.
@Moreorlessmentallystable and @TeaGinandFags I think what you said really resonated, about how who we are isn't a fixed state and is ever evolving and maybe the people we have both evolved into are just not as aligned as when I was a child and largely followed their views/opinions.
Interestingly, a few of you mentioned how things change once you are a parent yourself. I had my second DC earlier this year and it definitely has brought things more into focus. Partly because I think before children I would just do things to appease them or lie about things to keep the peace/suit their opinion. Whereas now I have to advocate for my children and sometimes it means putting my foot down which my dad hates.

I think I've realised that my dad in particular doesn't like lots of things about me (he thinks I'm too cautious and too overprotective of my children, he thinks I'm germ phobic, that I "settled" that I didn't achieve my potential academically or professionally etc). I want them to love me for who I am, not for who they want me to be and I don't feel like they do.

But lots of you also raise the point that they are just people, like all of us, they come with their own flaws and experiences and maybe I need to work harder to try to also love them for who they are too. I guess I am just finding it hard to adjust to a new phase in our relationship.

OP, can you say a bit more about what the issue is with your mum? Because a woman in her 60s being “independent” doesn’t sound like a character flaw - I’d expect most adult women to be independent? Who ought she be dependent on, you? Your dad?

So I wonder if the problem is less that she is independent, and more that she doesn’t seem as interested in your life as you want her to be, or something else?

@Darkenergy you raise an interesting point. It does seem like a big change and that's partly what I'm struggling with. I find it hard to believe my dad has always been this difficult? Maybe mum covered for him better when we were younger or maybe ageing is making him more curmudgeonly. Or perhaps I'm getting less tolerant, I honestly don't know. Its definitely given me food for thought.

I don't hate them, not by a long shot. But I do find my dad very difficult to talk to or spend time with at the moment unless it's a slalom of avoiding anything that may cause friction.

Totally normal OP.

You get to a stage of life where you suddenly realise that you now are the age that your parents were when you were a child, and you subconsciously compare yourself to them as as people, and then have the realisation that they actually are people just like you, with flaws and dreams and everything else.

Next will come the stage where you suddenly internalise the fact that they have changed between your childhood and now. That they grew as you grew.

And after that will come the realisation that they themselves are just someone’s children, and that they were shaped by their own childhoods too.

I yes, I know that you know all of this intellectually now, but it’s not the same as really FEELING it when you go through that stage.

@Saschka yes maybe you're right, it's that she doesn't seem interested in my life really at all.
They live 15 mins away but despite me inviting them, they don't have any interest in getting involved in our lives at all really (things like watching DDs first nativity at school or her dance show etc). Despite living so close we can go months without seeing my mum, (dad goes out a lot more so we see him very slightly more often if he has a reason to pop over like to drop something off etc. He will never come over just to see us without another reason).

I do think it's perhaps part of growing up, but I can sympathise. I thought we had a good family growing up, although I was a very difficult child and teen, my parents were supportive.

As I hit my 40s I began to realise that actually the reason I was a 'difficult' child was that I was unhappy, and that much of my unhappiness stemmed from their expectations, their criticisms and the way I was treated. It became clear that my DF in particular disliked me, and I was aware (as a middle aged woman) that he wasn't ever pleased to see me when I visited, and actually every little thing I did or said irritated him. It was an eye opener. My DM has always been critical, and now in my late 50s I see as little as possible of them. Duty visits only. I got sick of the fact that every time I visit I come away feeling shit about myself, thanks to their critical comments.

Like you I feel that they 'tolerate' me rather than actually like me as a person and it explains why I've spent a lifetime trying to please them and make them proud of me, when actually I never will. I will never match up to the ideal child/adult they imagined and I'm not the daughter they wanted.

It’s been the other way around for me. As a teenager and young adult, I had so much resentment for what I perceived to be their failings, but becoming a parent myself made me much more understanding and growing older made me understand that everyone has faults and foibles (including me).

It’s a form of detachment; part of growing up. It’s the difference between seeing your parents just as your parents - your safe haven, your touchstones, the foundation to your life and the source of all your good feelings and happy memories of childhood - and seeing them as people: flawed and three dimensional human beings, products of their own childhoods and life experiences; people you love but might not necessarily like sometimes. And certainly might not choose to be friends with.

But if you had a largely happy childhood, and your parents genuinely did their best and showed you love, and tried to protect you from harm, that sense of disappointment in who they ‘really’ are will eventually (IME at any rate!) be replaced by a greater perspective and understanding. Acknowledgement of the challenges they faced and how hard they tried to give you a good life leads to a greater tenderness towards them, and forgiveness of their flaws as people, especially when you have children of your own.

This is so interesting, especially the bit about internalising that they grew as you grew. Where did you learn about this (if that makes sense?) I've been feeling this but you've expressed the exact thoughts in my head

I totally get it and you are not alone. Once you see them as humans with all the flaws and differences and not parents you can’t unsee it. I don’t remember what triggered it for me but I clearly remember the feeling and the day I ‘opened’ my eyes.

It's the ciiiircle of liiiiifee

I've been feeling like this too recently. I always thought my parents were wonderful and now I feel a bit annoyed with them but try not to think about it too much. They were quite overprotective and now I've realised how much that has held me back and lessened the opportunities I had. I think my life woikd be much better if this didn't happen. We also moved away from my family (aunts, uncles and cousins) so I missed out on growing up with them, I think this was quite selfish. I also think they were unnecessary harsh in some of the punishments I received. The way I reconcile this is that they were doing the best they could with what they knew and I know they loved me and wanted the best for me (from their narrow perspective). I also feel there's no point dwelling on it, as they are good people and I did have happy childhood for the most part. I guess what I'm saying is focus on the good and the future as you can change the past.

Hahaha so your parents, who weren't particularly cut out for parenthood got their acts together and gave you a fantastic childhood and now you've flown the nest they have gone back to doing what they fancy and you are pissed off about it? Did you expect them to spend a lifetime being what you wanted?

I could have written this myself.

I’ve realised they don’t like me and havent liked me since I was a small child. They have always preferred the narrative that I have a bad personality rather than realising I was actually struggling with their obvious dislike.

As an adult now I always came away from seeing them feeling negative. I’ve realised I don’t have to spend time with people who don’t like me. I saw a quote on Instagram which said ‘stay away from people who make you feel hard to love’ and this is my motto for 2024.

Also, if the scales are only just falling from your eyes now, at 34, along with the realisation that your parents are fallible, then they obviously did a good job of providing you with a secure and happy base - which also explains why you feel so rocked by it. Give it time, it all circles around.

And parents NEVER complain about their kids? Despite having lovely children who have brought joy to their life, yeah that never happens, only practically every day!

Can emphasize with this

I feel now that my parents are very selfish... If it doesn't suit them, they don't do it. Which is fair enough, they've worked hard etc, but sometimes it does feel like I'm the one making all the effort.

I am a lot older than you and yes I could criticise my upbringing. I still think my parents did the best they could . Every generation is different ,and I think we should just accept the differences in the same way your children will do in years to come.

Definitely having a child has a bearing on it, but I think the other big life shift that throws new light on your family dynamics is when you introduce a serious partner into the mix. I mean serious in the sense of not just a casual boyfriend or girlfriend but an "other half" who is effectively joining the family with fresh eyes.

I've found DP can see things that I've not made connections with before. For example, I'll get on edge before my parents visit and need to clean my house obsessively to the point where I am exhausted by the time they arrive. I thought I was just being a good hostess but DP watched this scenario play out a few times and then pointed out that I likely do this because my mum considers the tidiness of people's houses as a key indicator of their personality more so than any of their other actual achievements. Once you see this stuff, you can't unsee it.

Replied to say this. If you've got to your 40s thinking your parents were great then they've done a great job!

Seeing your parents’ flaws is disconcerting but you just need to decide if overall they are a positive in your life.

My mum is 80% good and 20% demanding, slightly manipulative and a pain.

The good is good enough for me to live near here and see her at least twice a week.

The 20% I deal with by saying no when needed and putting in strong boundaries when she tries to manipulate me.

At least you’ve had 34 years of rose-colored specs, my teenagers (18 & 15) already see and point out DH’s and my flaws. They appear to see us both as fairly flawed human beings. 🤣

I’ve been through similar but I actually think it’s made me appreciate my parents more. When you’re a kid you just see your parents as they relate to you. As an adult that view rounds out and you realise they are people and being a parent was just one aspect of that. They had loads of other stuff going on simultaneously, loads of “other lives”.