To feel sad at losing the rose tinted view of my parents?

[Missingmybabysomuch]

I don't know how to explain it, it's like in the last year or so I've just started to see my parents as actual people, flaws and all, rather than the idealistic version I had growing up.
I had a good upbringing, well provided for, fairly typical middle class upbringing with a stable home life, parents together and happy, close knit family without any drama, lots of extra curricular opportunities, a few holidays abroad a year etc. I was a total daddy's girl and adored both my parents. Since leaving home I've always phoned every couple of days and visited as often as I could. I have an older brother but I've always been the "go to" person for help required etc. But increasingly now it feels like they tolerate me more than they like me.

For various reasons over the last year I feel like the rose tinted cover has fallen away and I'm almost grieving the version of them that I thought they were.
It turns out in reality my dad is incredibly uncompromising, belligerent and incapable of seeing things from anyone else's perspective. He point blank refuses to discuss anything he disagrees with. My mum is very independent, and to be honest as much as she loves us, I think she would have been happy in a life without children.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense, I'm just feeling very sad and lost. Its like I didn't really know them at all. I don't know what I'm hoping for from this, maybe just to see if anyone else ever had the same?

To clarify - its not that I think they are totally awful people or my whole childhood was a lie, just that it's like the parents I had in my head and the parents in front of me are 2 different people and it's hard to accept that they are one and the same. I don't know if older age (they are in their 60s) has made them more set in their ways and cantankerous (dad) and more detached from us (mum) or whether they've always been like it but just hid it better when we were younger 🤷

I think it’s quite normal. We all change as we age, including our parents.

I could be critical of my own parents but when I think back I try to do so in a ‘forgiving’ way. They made mistakes but generally my childhood was good with the usual ups and downs. They did their best, most of the time. They got things wrong but we all get things wrong.

We must remember that our own children will go through this realisation too and judge us.

They now see you as an adult not a child, so the way they loved/treated you as a child has changed. How you saw them as a child has also changed, I think that's just life.

Also realise as you get older you give less of a shit, so if they're argumentative or less compromising this could be it too. I already feel like this and I'm in my 40s, I'm too tired to think about anyone else and put them first like I used to!

But increasingly now it feels like they tolerate me more than they like me.

I feel exactly like this OP. I’m late 30s with young kids, they adore my children. We live 150 miles from them so I take the kids to stay them, or they visit and stay with us - I feel like they tolerate me because it’s necessary to see the kids. Beyond that they just don’t seem to have any interest in me, they never ask any questions about my work or my hobbies or even what I’ve been watching on tv. I try to take an interest in their lives and ask questions, all conversation feels very one-sided.

I didn’t feel this way until my 30s. I used to feel very close to my mum, and whilst I’ve never been emotionally close to my dad I did at least feel he was interested in me and proud of me. I think maybe I’m a disappointment to them - I was a very academic child (which was important to them), and now I have a job which I enjoy and which is flexible so lets me work around the kids, but it’s not the prestigious career they think I could’ve had.

I think there are life stages through which parent child relationships change. It’s quite common for children to think parents are perfect, then as a teen and twenty something to find this perception of perfection turned on its head, with young adults dwelling on parental faults. This serves a purpose in many ways, it creates friction and propels young adults to leave home and become independent. The thirties often bring better understanding and respect of differences. Maturity I guess. Forties, fifties are often sandwich generations, with caring responsibilities of the young and elderly.

Exactly ,and hopefully children will understand that . My daughter really gets it ,now that she is a parent.

Honestly, you have grown up and see that they are just people. It's a good thing.

Maybe they don’t ask because if you’re unwell it hurts too much? Or they don’t know what to do?
I only say this as the mum of a DS with MH issues.
He’s only 16 so I do ask but I dread the answer.
I don’t know how to help him and it upsets me. I’d rather bury my head in the sand and pretend he’s always fine 😢.
I don’t because he’s young and we live in the same house. I would imagine it’s easier to “ignore” when you live separately,
im not saying I’m right or it’s the right thing to do but this is how I feel sometimes.
Edit. Sorry I’ve just read your post again and you possibly already get this x

So your parents aren't perfect, they are people after all. They may not like your views or your ways but they love you so they just get on with it. One day your children will feel the same about you because you are not perfect either. It is the way of the world.

What a beautiful post x

@joelmillersbackpack interestingly (or not) I've always disagreed with that 'stay away from people who..." mentality, unless you really NEED to, as I've found acceptance is what I aspire to, as in accepting awkward people warts and all, awkward situations, jobs, challenges.
Because that's how I grow!
But yes acknowledging you have a choice is valuable
X

This thread is very timely for me. I adored my Mum growing up. She wasn't perfect, but she was loving and we had a great bond. I felt lucky to have her. It feels as though it is slipping away now. She is almost in some kind of scientology cult (although she would say it isn't one) and will only ever talk about her faith or will always turn our conversation to it. It's ruined our relationship and she isn't the compassionate person I used to love. She's very unemotional, judgemental and hypocritical now, and doesn't really care about other people or how they suffer and is not great at critical thinking. She comes to very odd conclusions about things based on the weirdest things. She thinks everyone brings on their misfortune by meerly thinking of it.

We just don't see eye to eye anymore. I feel very sad. I still love her, but I dont feel close to her anymore. In the meantime I'm developing a closer bond to my dad though.

She is a wonderful grandparent, but I feel sad about our relationship.

I also started to see my parents as people in my mid thirties - really because my dad got terminal cancer and the roles changed and I became the support to them rather than the other way around.

it is just part of growing up.

don't have any magic advice, but wanted to post my solidarity with your feelings. I've always felt I had a pretty idyllic childhood, but after a year of therapy I've come to understand a lot of my anxiety comes from expectations set on me as the "good, easy child" by my parents. I still love them, and I by no means think they are solely to blame or were bad parents! But that loss of rose tinted glasses really resonates with me

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I always thought my childhood was idyllic. It wasn't until I had therapy that I realised all of my self esteem issues stemmed from what was actually a very dysfunctional upbringing. My parents did their best but there was a lot of stuff they modelled to me as "normal" that took me until adulthood to realise it was not normal at all. It slowly dawned on me that they had a lot of issues and that was a shock.

What an interesting thread.

My sister and I both had a bit of this in our 30s. My sister had it worse - she had a breakdown eventually over what boiled down to her trying to live up to our parents expectations of what she should do / how she should live, mostly related to pursuing / achieving a certain career path, and not ‘wasting’ her academic potential. I side stepped this by having children, so was excused from that pressure as they were distracted by the lovely grandchildren that I was able to present them with.

I think, as a child, you have to keep your parents / caregivers ‘sweet’: you depend entirely on them for shelter, food, warmth - and also approval, love etc. Part of keeping them sweet is to put them on a bit of a pedestal, to worship them a little bit. To never question them, to go along with them, to ignore - almost blind yourself to - their bad points : you do whatever it takes to keep them onside. That’s a very basic survival strategy for a dependent child to adopt.

But eventually you grow out of that. Finally, you can stand on your own two feet, you can look after yourself, you really don’t need their approval and - good grief - you can let yourself see their faults! You can see that they aren’t perfect. You can - finally - get mad with them, for all the things they did wrong!! My sister has a lot of anger to work through, that’s for sure.

and after that, you can find a way make your peace with them as they actually are.

This!!! Mine are 17 & 20 and regularly roast DH and I and our parenting skills 😂

Both my parents died when I was young, so I have no experience of their expectations or prejudices. When I had kids I was happy with whatever they wanted to be. I didn't like one of my children, the other was great, but I love them both. They are both adults now. I thought that when they grew up they'd both be likeable, but no. Weird, but that's how it is.
I am loyal, and unless the unlikeable one does something dreadful I will support them always and do my best to help them.

Parents are people with faults and baggage. If you can, please look on them as you would other adults and also think about how you were, especially as a teenager.

I get what you’re saying about your dad, he sounds difficult. But the fault you perceive in your mum is…. being independent?
My mum is very independent, and to be honest as much as she loves us, I think she would have been happy in a life without children.

Are women who become mothers not allowed to be independent? This is an awful viewpoint. What do you wish she was? How on earth can you be thinking that a woman being independent (whatever you mean by that) means she didn’t really want her children? What an absolutely horrible way to think. Has she given you any indication that she didn’t want her children? I’d be incredibly hurt if my adult kids thought that. I would be described as independent and never thought that would be perceived as a bad thing. I was never a SAHM or dependent on my husband but my god, my children were very, very much wanted.

You say you had a good childhood and it sounds like she was and is a good mum. It’s really sad if you’re somehow projecting feelings on to her that she doesn’t have. It’s not fair of you.

You’re in your 30s, you and your parents are all independent adults, your relationship with them has changed from when you were little as it should.

You are no longer a 6 year old in awe of them .they are people in their own right not just mum and dad. This happens to everyone I think at some point or another

@FictionalCharacter sorry if I wasn't clear, I don't just mean independent in that she's perfectly capable on her own, more that she prefers it and has no need or desire for company. She struggles to spend any amount of time around others and over the years has talked about how she had children because my dad wanted them and if she had married someone who didn't want them then it wouldn't have bothered her, and how hard she found family holidays where she couldn't get space away from people. She is an only child and her mother was an only child too so maybe this is part of the reason? When she had my brother, she found motherhood "tedious" but for some reason my parents decided she should stay home so did an OU degree whilst on maternity leave. When I was born she decided against staying home and went back to work.

@TiaSeeya Yes, mine regularly point out failures in our life skills.

After putting together his new desk this weekend, DS (15) mentioned a business idea he’d had- providing DIY assistance for “people like Mum who are useless at it.”🤣

So she’s a bit of a lone wolf and thrives on her own space. I can relate to that and I think my mum was the same. The pressure of being needed can be a lot. “Parenting” is generally expected to come to a natural end somewhere around age 20, give or take a few years, depending on their path. That’s a good couple of decades dedicated to your well being from the moment they woke up.

I can imagine some parents get fed up of their adult children constantly being around and wondering when exactly they get their lives back. How can you miss ‘em when they won’t go away?

Personally I moved out young and would meet up with my mum every few weeks to catch up.

Maybe go off and be busy for a while. You might just be in each other’s faces too much.

I am outgoing and love a party in my children’s eyes . True to in some ways ,but now my children are older they really understand that Mum actually enjoys time on her own and having peace and quiet. It’s just how people mature and age .

I find babies tedious too. Cute, but boring - and as for the conversation of other mums...
I couldn't wait to go back to work to talk to other adults for some mental stimulation...

3 months, the firstborn was when I returned to work - such a relief. For them too, I think - they had other kids to watch and enjoy at the childminder's.

Mind you, I did want children but didn't find them very interesting until we could hold a conversation. At that point I got them into board games and pinball (video games as soon as they came about), making dens in the woods, bows and arrows..

Why should women have to find motherhood interesting? No one seems to expect men to want to enjoy entertaining toddlers 24/7 or want to be with their kids 100% of the time.

Agree. OP you don't need the same mum you did when you were young. And your Dad may have been less vocal so as not to pass on bad views or difficult habits. Age does make people a more saturated version of themselves I find. I see the same in my family. You will have changed too, maybe even to their dislike in some ways. Just love each other.