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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take one child on holiday but not the other two

65 replies

Malkin48 · 14/01/2024 14:02

I’ve got a big milestone birthday coming up and we’re going to go away for a few days. Nothing lavish, probably a city break in Europe in the summer (money is too tight for big holidays). My dilemma is that my youngest two children (12 and 14) never stop arguing. It is absolutely horrible being around them when they are together. They genuinely dislike each other and I can’t see them having anything to do with each other after they leave home, which I find heartbreaking. Both are equally at fault and although they can see that I’m being driven to despair, they prioritise their need to try to point score over my attempts to help them to sort things out or at least tolerate each other.

My older child (16) isn’t like this. He’s not perfect at all but he’s good company. I’d love to spend a few days away with him (and DH) but if the younger two come and behave the way they have been for the past six months, they will ruin it.

Would I BU to leave the younger two with a relative and go off and enjoy my birthday with husband and oldest child? I’d feel as guilty as hell for not taking them but why take them to then have the usual ongoing rows? I would lay it on the line to them before booking anything that they have x amount of time to show me that they can turn this around and that I want to help them with this, but otherwise they’re not coming. Just interested in others thoughts. Thanks.

OP posts:
JusticeIsAFickleWench · 14/01/2024 14:04

Massively unreasonable.

What better way is there to say ‘I don’t like you’ to your children?!

Jessforless · 14/01/2024 14:04

Can you use it as an incentive for them to improve behaviour?

or alternatively, just go as a couple?

Icantbedoingwithit · 14/01/2024 14:05

Christ no.

WithACatLikeTread · 14/01/2024 14:05

😬

SingsongSu · 14/01/2024 14:06

So unreasonable. Hardly going to help them build better relationships if they’re left out. They’ll be jealous and resentful you might well end up with even bigger problems!

fairlygoodmother · 14/01/2024 14:06

Sorry this is a terrible idea. Just go with your husband and leave all the children at home.

I do understand how hard it must be to be around two children who constantly argue but it sounds like it’s not really their fault. It would be very hurtful for them if you just took their older sibling on holiday.

Original poster
Malkin48 · 14/01/2024 14:06

I love them to bits … separately! When every meal time is spoilt by the yelling and we can’t even watch a TV programme without them finding something to argue about, I don’t!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 14/01/2024 14:07

No, you can't do this.

Leave all three kids behind and have a great weekend with your DH.

The only upside of this plan is that it would give the two younger ones the only thing that would probably bring them together, a joint enemy. It's possible they'd be so angry with you and their goody two shoes older sibling that they might hate each other a bit less. Downside that they'd hate you and and older sibling.

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 14:10

I wouldn't take any of them.

The 16 year old is old enough to know adults need alone time and you'd risk driving a massive wedge between them and their siblings.

Original poster
Malkin48 · 14/01/2024 14:10

Good point, Nuffsaidsam. They are a total force to be reckoned with, I would hate them to buddy up and unleash their fury on the older one! Seems such a shame that he misses out because of the behaviour of his siblings though.

Maybe we put a holiday on hold and do it another year instead.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1312 · 14/01/2024 14:10

I can't believe you'd even consider this tbh.

I would lay it on the line to them before booking anything that they have x amount of time to show me that they can turn this around

This quote is possibly the worst part.

I agree with pp above that at least it would bring them closer as siblings in mutual hatred and resentment of you and the Golden Child.

I'm just gobsmacked at the lack of empathy. And zero self awareness that they are still young children, they are the way they are because of how you have raised them.

Chanel05 · 14/01/2024 14:11

Absolutely not, do not do this. When all is said and done, they are children. Your actions would be very, very hurtful. By all means to with your husband, but don't take your favourite child with you.

KissMyArt · 14/01/2024 14:11

And also why would you inflict the younger two on one relative, rather than split them up?

If they're as bad as you say, that'd be an awful idea.

NewName24 · 14/01/2024 14:13

Terrible idea.
You take them all or none of them.

TooBored1 · 14/01/2024 14:13

If they are this bad, would a relative even want them to stay?

Mumoftwo1312 · 14/01/2024 14:14

I doubt your 16yo would enjoy it either. If he is at all normal, he'll feel guilty that his siblings were deemed unworthy compared to him, left out of sibling fun, and third-wheeling to his selfish parents. Just no

Edit for correct sex pronouns - somehow I didn't expect Golden Child to be a boy

Pumpkinpie1 · 14/01/2024 14:15

Actions have consequences.
Time to teach them . It’s your birthday not theirs .
Don’t feel guilty. It’s unreasonable to pretend we are always treated the same throughout life.
Enjoy your holiday on your terms x

Keeva2017 · 14/01/2024 14:15

Shocked that I’m in the minority and maybe I just haven’t thought it through so don’t come at me!

But they are old enough to know that their behaviour is having negative consequences for their family, they just don’t care.

Therefore they are old enough to hear “this is an important trip for me and your behaviour towards each other on an almost daily basis leads me believe you will ruin it for me, therefore sadly, you cannot not come”.

phoenixrosehere · 14/01/2024 14:16

Jessforless · 14/01/2024 14:04

Can you use it as an incentive for them to improve behaviour?

or alternatively, just go as a couple?

Agree with this.

12 and 14 are old enough to know better. No one wants to be around people regardless of age that constantly bicker.

Iheartmysmart · 14/01/2024 14:18

I don’t see why your well behaved eldest should miss out because of badly behaved siblings. I’d tell them that their behaviour is making you have second thoughts about taking them away. They aren’t little children, they are both in secondary school. It won’t do them any harm to learn that poor behaviour has consequences.

jeaux90 · 14/01/2024 14:18

Go on your own without any of them. Grin

Meadowfinch · 14/01/2024 14:20

The message that sends is 'we love dc1, they're our favourite.'

I think you have to find a way to bribe, cajole or lecture your younger two into realising that ill manners will not be tolerated on this trip. And if they do play up, you tag team with your dh.

Physically separate them. Each be responsible for one child's behaviour. It's hard work but you've not got many years to go.

For your celebration , can you go to a spa with your mum or friend?

IkeaMeatballGravy · 14/01/2024 14:23

When me and my siblings each turned 16 my mum took us individually on a weekend away, nothing too fancy as she was a skint single mum but I have such lovely memories of our trip and that precious 1-1 time with her. Maybe you could arrange something separate with your eldest now with the promise that the other two will get their chance later on. There's nothing wrong with having 1-1 time with one child provided you do the same for all.

ScierraDoll · 14/01/2024 14:25

They need to know that behaviours have consequences and they are old enough to understand that. Leave them behind but tell them why but don't spend your holiday fretting about them or it becomes pointless

Onelifeonly · 14/01/2024 14:26

Take all or none. You can't leave two behind. My two don't get on that well and are complete opposites in many ways but we always managed to go on holiday together and they shared a room (we occasionally swapped with one of them if things got heated but mostly it was fine).

How hard gave you tried to help them with their relationship or given them strategies to at least 'live and let live'? Ours would disagree over films, venues, activities types of food they wanted etc. If compromise was impossible, we made the decision ourselves so neither could blame the other for it. Now they are both over 18 they co-exist in the same house with little conflict.