To take one child on holiday but not the other two

[Malkin48]

I’ve got a big milestone birthday coming up and we’re going to go away for a few days. Nothing lavish, probably a city break in Europe in the summer (money is too tight for big holidays). My dilemma is that my youngest two children (12 and 14) never stop arguing. It is absolutely horrible being around them when they are together. They genuinely dislike each other and I can’t see them having anything to do with each other after they leave home, which I find heartbreaking. Both are equally at fault and although they can see that I’m being driven to despair, they prioritise their need to try to point score over my attempts to help them to sort things out or at least tolerate each other.

My older child (16) isn’t like this. He’s not perfect at all but he’s good company. I’d love to spend a few days away with him (and DH) but if the younger two come and behave the way they have been for the past six months, they will ruin it.

Would I BU to leave the younger two with a relative and go off and enjoy my birthday with husband and oldest child? I’d feel as guilty as hell for not taking them but why take them to then have the usual ongoing rows? I would lay it on the line to them before booking anything that they have x amount of time to show me that they can turn this around and that I want to help them with this, but otherwise they’re not coming. Just interested in others thoughts. Thanks.

The problem is that a milestone birthday is about you and what you want to do (fair enough) but that won't be what kids want to do. This is essentially a family holiday so it's all going to be a compromise anyway.

I'd go away without any of them for your birthday. Don't know if you normally have some kind of family holiday and if money too tight for another trip but maybe just take them to Blackpool/Alton Towers or something for the day (stay the night maybe). It might be a "grin and bear it a bit" trip but it's short, they get something so don't miss out on a holiday but you also get your city break without any of them ruining it.

No, you really can't do that. It's awful.

This is not a message any child needs to get.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Personally would go away with your DH for an overnight nearby or abroad if you want and then I would have an individual day with each child if you want to spend time with your eldest child

Young teenagers are designed to be self centred, hate their siblings, their parents, teachers, the world.... Everything is about them, and nobody else. I get that they are frustrating. They are teenagers.

What is your excuse?

You'd like your special time to be about you (and who wouldn't? ) to the exclusion of your own children, who will probably NEVER forgive you.

You are supposed to be the adult here. By all means read them a riot act. Explain the terrible consequences of them ruining your special time - and be prepared to follow through if they don't listen. But they will grow out of this phase and build adult relationships with each other. But they might never have one with you.

They are children. Be the adult here.

If you are really planning to do this, I can see where their issues stem from. It's reasonable in one way but massively hurtful and divisive in others. There are other, less annihilating ways to learn this lesson.

I don't see a problem if you have a relative who will take them both. I'd just tell them you don't want their poor behaviour to spoil your trip and they need to improve their behaviour or they will miss out on treats.

No tell then it’s for people who can be grown up and they can’t , that you need a break and not your birthday being ruined .
Maybe then they will realise for the future actions have consequences.

I think there is going abroad with one child (which I do do) and there is something completely different to leaving your youngest two out of your birthday celebrations - I can't believe you are even thinking of this.

FFS, they are 12 and 14. They are not grown up! They are children.

Leave all the children, OK. Leave none of them, OK. Take the favoured child and be ready for a lifetime of pain. Don't ever expect them to respect or line up to support you when you are in need of them. The golden child is often nowhere to be seen either. You may have a very lonely life in old age. What goes around, comes around.

I would sell it as this. Of course it would be nice to spend time with your quieter older child. He must also be sick of the fighting.

Just make sure to do something similar when the other two reach 16/GCSE's. Or enjoy the weekend away with your DH.

The 16 yo is not a golden child because they’re not misbehaving.

Being the well-behaved child and missing out because your siblings can’t behave and stop arguing for a few moments isn’t going to help either.

Young teenagers are designed to be self centred, hate their siblings, their parents, teachers, the world.... Everything is about them, and nobody else. I get that they are frustrating. They are teenagers.

What nonsense. Maybe you were like that as a teenager but many of us weren’t. It’s ridiculous how many believe that teenagers are normally like this when so many aren’t.

I disagree. Actions have consequences.

Martyrdom is a choice. The wise make other choices.