To take one child on holiday but not the other two

[Malkin48]

I’ve got a big milestone birthday coming up and we’re going to go away for a few days. Nothing lavish, probably a city break in Europe in the summer (money is too tight for big holidays). My dilemma is that my youngest two children (12 and 14) never stop arguing. It is absolutely horrible being around them when they are together. They genuinely dislike each other and I can’t see them having anything to do with each other after they leave home, which I find heartbreaking. Both are equally at fault and although they can see that I’m being driven to despair, they prioritise their need to try to point score over my attempts to help them to sort things out or at least tolerate each other.

My older child (16) isn’t like this. He’s not perfect at all but he’s good company. I’d love to spend a few days away with him (and DH) but if the younger two come and behave the way they have been for the past six months, they will ruin it.

Would I BU to leave the younger two with a relative and go off and enjoy my birthday with husband and oldest child? I’d feel as guilty as hell for not taking them but why take them to then have the usual ongoing rows? I would lay it on the line to them before booking anything that they have x amount of time to show me that they can turn this around and that I want to help them with this, but otherwise they’re not coming. Just interested in others thoughts. Thanks.

Can't believe the replies on here, it's nothing to do with a golden child. Kids these days do not have consequences for their behavior and the responses on here show that. Nothing wrong with laying it down to them and tell them if they don't sort it out by x date they are not coming and ruining your holiday. If the older one doesn't act like that they shouldn't be punished too. Punishment is for the person in the wrong, not for the one who is doing right.

Presumably the 16 year old has GCSEs this year? I took my eldest away as a post GCSE trip. you could take the 16 year old with you and say its a combined birthday/post GCSE treat. Then you take each of the others away indivdually post GCSEs too.

You and DH go.
I hear you, yanbu but honestly it won't be worth it being mentioned every few days for thr rest of your natural life.

For the few pps saying that kids should be punished for their behaviour - is this "punishment" proportionate??

Op's younger children bicker. That's it. I'm re-reading the op and that's really the entirety of their crimes. It's within the range of normal, age-appropriate behaviour.

They don't do physical violence, arson, knife crime, drug running, bank robbery, identity fraud. They just bicker.

No, they don't deserve to be excluded from a "milestone birthday holiday" that their brother is going on.

I don't think it's as an outrageous idea as some posters seem to think, and you've made it clear that this is not to do with your fundamental preference for your older DC, but about the current behaviour of younger two.

We've just been through a prolonged period (months and months) of constant low level squabbling between two of our DCs of similar ages. It is just SO DRAINING and you have my sympathies. Touch wood they've been much better the past few weeks. They actually really love each other which in some ways makes it even more frustrating - it's real vicious vs virtuous circle stuff.

On balance though I think your DC are too young for this particular lesson, especially the 12 year old. If they were a year or two older I might think differently.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the range of responses. I think my feeling is that IABU to do this (which is why I posted to get opinions), so I’m not going to make any snap decisions. We’re in no desperate rush to book so hopefully, like a previous poster had, things may settle down in time of their own accord. I’m heading off out of the thread now as stuff to do, but wanted to say that I appreciate all the input.

If you are in no hurry to book I would sit them down and say you want this to be a family trip but their behaviour is draining and not fun to be around and you deserve a fun and relaxing holiday and if they sort themselves out by X date, when you will booking they are able to come.

If I were you I would be working to build the relationship between your children. My sister and I argued a lot, unless we were on holiday as a family! I would be clamping down with zero tolerance at mealtimes, they're not allowed to talk to each other unless it's pleasant/ make boundaries/ even organise some mediation with a therapist for them. There could be some jealousy/ boundary breaking between them and it needs to be nipped in the bud.

I took my two away for my 40th with me. Their behaviour was appalling as similarly to yours it just was at that point- and they ruined it. I would leave all of them at home tbh.

Promise them all a city break of their choice, say when they turn 16 or 17, but separate trips.

That way you can take eldest with you now, with a promise to the other 2 when they reach 16/17 they can choose a European city , and meantime they can research where they want to go - and you'll have a couple of years to save up to take them.

Win win 😁

I’d just go with mo dcs

They argue over what TV programme to watch..... What else? Don't most teens tend to watch stuff on their laptops/other gadgets anyway.

I agree if its a milestone birthday surely that's a couple's trip anyway.

Not a problem just taking one child away. One on one time is important. Dh took one of ours away last year based on his interests and they others will get the same at the same age. But you can't do it for your birthday, that either needs to be all kids or no kids.

I would do it and then take the other two separately when they each reach 16. Then it’s not being unfair and you get one to one time with them each at that age when hopefully they have matured a bit.

My DC are a bit like your youngest two. When I take them abroad (and it is just me) they don't argue hardly at all because a) we are doing something different and more exciting b) they know they would struggle on their own in a foreign country, so it is in their interests not to flounce off/start arguments with the people they do know!

I pity the poor relative you are planning to dump the warring two siblings with. If you don't want to spend time with both of them together, why the hell would anyone else? I'm surprised you can find anyone willing to be honest.

No I wouldn’t do this. For one it would be so unfair and for two it is not sorting the issue out. Two of my DC used to be like this probably not as bad but I suppose it could have been. My DH sat them down and basically said. Enough was enough. None of them was going away so they had to learn to be at least civil with each other but as a family we would not tolerate there arguing any longer. Both were grounded instantly for any small fight. Didn’t matter who started it they both were grounded. My mistake previously was trying to work out who started what. This way it took that stress away. It worked. Yes they are not as close as my other DC but we no longer get the constant bickering. Nip it in the bud asap

I actually don't think you are unreasonable. I don't think it would be great to simply book it without them, but giving them the warning and the opportunity to behave knowing the consequences is not a bad idea imho. They do need to understand that their behaviour is unacceptable and ruining family life, if this makes them see that and turn it around that would be a good thing.

Id be more likely to use it as a carrot than a stick. "Stop bickering, and we'll book a long weekend somewhere fun for my birthday. Keep up the crappy arguing/point scoring and I go with Dad and leave you all at home!!"

Not a good idea. I think it may cause even more problems as each will blame the other one for reason they are being left behind

I think the idea of spending 1:1 time with them all is really good. Your eldest DC may appreciate this more than anyone as I am sure they are just as fed up with all the bickering

I came in to say something similar to this!
If you find your kids' behaviour so bad that you don't want to spend intense time with them together, would anyone else? If they are both genuinely lovely separately, and not just mildly more bearable you might need to call in 2 favours at the same time!
You can manipulate the sibling relationship a little bit, you need to nudge them into being a team. Really reward (even if just verbally) any glimmers of kindness or even tolerance to each other.

I meant to quote @honeylulu

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. They are old enough to know the stress their behaviour causes and quite frankly are being incredibly selfish. They don’t deserve a trip away.

Why punish the eldest because the younger two are bratty?

Perhaps that is the message that these kids really really need to get.