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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another MIL one - volunteering at DC school!

70 replies

Shortbreadfingerss · 14/01/2024 10:24

Sorry it’s another MIL one!

MIL has form for interfering and overstepping boundaries so now I’m never sure if I’m just overreacting due to past experiences or if others would be unhappy with situations too.

DH and I have DD who is 3 and we live in a smallish village with one school. MIL lives about 5 miles away. She looks after DD twice per week which we are grateful for.

She’s recently announced she has been in touch with the school in our village to ask if she can volunteer with reading and to join their PTA. There are schools in her village that she could volunteer at. I feel uncomfortable with this as DD will be hopefully starting there soon and it feels that MIL will then have the upper hand/contact with her schooling. I don’t really want teachers to form an impression of my child based on MIL as she can be quite dramatic at times and overbearing. She’s volunteered at playgroup where SILs children go and formed strong opinions on all her kids friends which feels inappropriate to me. And again it’s another area where the lines between our life and hers is blurred. I haven’t mentioned anything to DH yet on this as I’m not sure if IABU?

OP posts:

NamingConundrum · 14/01/2024 10:27

You're not unreasonable. Could you not have a word with the school directly if it comes to it? Tell them she has a history and you'd like her kept away from your daughters class and no information about schooling passed on?

DuploTrain · 14/01/2024 10:31

Presumably your DD doesn’t go to school yet though? Why would they let a random woman join the PTA?

It’s pretty odd behaviour but I don’t think the school will take her up on her offers anyway so don’t worry about it.

CharmedCult · 14/01/2024 10:34

Would the school let a random lady with no connections to the school (yet) join the PTA? I’m not sure if that happens or not.

But YANBU, I wouldn’t be happy about this myself.

CaineRaine · 14/01/2024 10:37

It is very likely she won’t be reading with your DD’s class - my kids school never put parent/grandparent helpers with the class they had a connection to.

MiIz · 14/01/2024 10:41

It wouldn't bother me, and they won't form opinions on your child based on her.

Livelovebehappy · 14/01/2024 10:42

Absolutely go NC. And find paid child care. After all why would you want such a person looking after your daughter if she is so terrible??

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/01/2024 10:45

CaineRaine · 14/01/2024 10:37

It is very likely she won’t be reading with your DD’s class - my kids school never put parent/grandparent helpers with the class they had a connection to.

I always read with my DC's class. When one my DC moved up the teacher asked if I could continue reading with her students as well as with my DC2's class and that was really the only time I volunteered with another class.

However some parents were kept away from their DC on school excursions and I can imagine it would have been similar if they had tried to volunteer.

Schools are pretty clued into what parents/grandparents would be problematic.

Speak to the school and share your concerns. They will hopefully direct her to other classes and away from your DC.

hedgehoglurker · 14/01/2024 10:45

You allow her to look after your DD twice per week, and she has made such a huge commitment to care for your DD, so she can't be that bad.

Not all grandparents would be so devoted. You don't sound grateful at all, just like the benefit to you of free childcare.

Motnight · 14/01/2024 10:48

CaineRaine · 14/01/2024 10:37

It is very likely she won’t be reading with your DD’s class - my kids school never put parent/grandparent helpers with the class they had a connection to.

Every school has different policies around this. When I was a parent volunteer I was put in with my dd's class (had said that I didn't mind what class I was put with but this class was where the help was needed).

Vinrouge4 · 14/01/2024 10:50

Suggest she might be going to a different school.

Ladyj84 · 14/01/2024 10:54

Awww come of it your happy enough to use her child care. Pretty normal in school in our town for folks to help with reading

WormHoleInSpace · 14/01/2024 10:54

She already has a fair bit of time with your dc in a unstructured environment ( I am not saying this is a bad thing )
I cant see how her having more contact in a structured environment where she can see / be told how to do things like helping all the dcs to read / paint / interact with each other the correct way been a bad thing.
It will hopefully also get your dc settled in much quicker if there is a familiar face. Though your Dc may struggle a little with learning how to share granny with other children

GRex · 14/01/2024 10:57

Funny how it's always people getting days of free childcare every werk who then have an issue with their in laws! Why is your cDD with her two days per week if she isn't a decent person to have around kids? Sort out childcare, let MIL do whatever she wants with her own spare time.

Original poster

Shortbreadfingerss · 14/01/2024 10:59

She wanted to have DD 5 days so 2 days is already our compromise, we are trying to strike a balance between retaining some boundaries and not going full NC.

OP posts:

Vinrouge4 · 14/01/2024 10:59

Is she the sort to try and undermine you OP? I find it odd that she wants to get involved in her grandchildren's schooling so much. As a grandparent I feel I've been there and done that. The PTA, helping at school etc. Maybe she should get a few hobbies.

Original poster

Shortbreadfingerss · 14/01/2024 11:00

We do pay for 3 days childcare? We could pay for 5 but MIL is desperate to have her. It would cause more fallout if we insisted.

OP posts:

Annacondas · 14/01/2024 11:00

most PTA groups don’t actually need a parent to have children at the school.

our local primary has one of the scout leaders in the PTA, he doesn’t have a child at the school yet either. Others look for people with skills and don’t care if they have kids at all (book keeping etc.)

BeadedBubbles · 14/01/2024 11:03

It's good policy for schools not to put volunteers with their child/grandchild. I appreciate that not all schools do this.

I would ask the school what their policy is. If they don't take this approach it would be tricky to tell them you don't want your MIL helping in your dd's class as she may challenge them, especially if she sees others helping with their children. In this case I think you would need to be upfront with your MIL and tell her you're worried her presence may stop dd settling in and becoming independent.

Flopsythebunny · 14/01/2024 11:06

It sounds to me like you don't want your child and her grandmother to have a close relationship

Original poster

Shortbreadfingerss · 14/01/2024 11:11

Yes she does undermine us and is quite emotionally manipulative with DD saying things like, you would prefer living with Grandma wouldn’t you, etc. Whispering to DD to ask if she can sleep over when we’ve already said no to overnights on weekdays as she doesn’t sleep properly. DD isn’t unsafe with her so I feel it would be sad to go NC.

OP posts:

Sisterpita · 14/01/2024 11:13

I would definitely talk to the school but also look at joining the PTA or becoming a school governor yourself.

Trinity65 · 14/01/2024 11:25

You and DH sound horrible

Good enough to care for your DC a few days a week though isn't she ?

Still, when your DD starts school you can go NC with the poor woman as her work is done!!

BoohooWoohoo · 14/01/2024 11:32

I’ve been a parent volunteer on school trips (my child was in my group) and read with my child’s class.
It sounds like your MIL will use the knowledge that she gains in an annoying way like knowing who the top readers are or who has behaviour issues on trips but you already allow her 2 days a week access so you’re being hypocritical. She’s either a nosey so and so who should be kept away or she’s annoying but can be tolerated for the price of 2 days a week of childcare.

autienotnaughty · 14/01/2024 11:32

If your dd doesn't attend the school yet I would leave her to it. When dd is joining don't put her on the emergency contact list and ask the head that she not volunteer in your dd class.
If she joins pta if it's like our school there's no involvement with kids (unlike class volunteers ) it's more fundraising running stalls at fetes. Selling raffle tickets etc.
My ex mil was pretty toxic and manipulative things like trying to arrange sleepovers/ holidays by asking the kids.. When they got older and didn't play to her tune she got toxic with them. And they withdrew pretty quickly. Shes mellowed in old age so things are better now but manipulation is not the way to go

CheesecakeandCrackers · 14/01/2024 11:34

I think what she's doing is fine, if you are concerned I think you could raise when she starts that you'd prefer DD to not have her as a reader given the benefits of having someone completely new listen to her, our school avoids having readers with their own kid but some months we just get one volunteer so it's better than the child missing out. Our PTA has also folded as the 2 of us who have run it for 5 years have both got ft jobs and run out of energy. School of 500 and no one else has stepped up, we've relied on grandparents, random members of the community and parents of children who went to the school but are now at university! So from the school benefit point of view if MIL is keen you should consider whether it's really worth you kicking up a fuss about this as it could well be to the detriment of many children including DD

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