Another MIL one - volunteering at DC school!

[Shortbreadfingerss]

Sorry it’s another MIL one!

MIL has form for interfering and overstepping boundaries so now I’m never sure if I’m just overreacting due to past experiences or if others would be unhappy with situations too.

DH and I have DD who is 3 and we live in a smallish village with one school. MIL lives about 5 miles away. She looks after DD twice per week which we are grateful for.

She’s recently announced she has been in touch with the school in our village to ask if she can volunteer with reading and to join their PTA. There are schools in her village that she could volunteer at. I feel uncomfortable with this as DD will be hopefully starting there soon and it feels that MIL will then have the upper hand/contact with her schooling. I don’t really want teachers to form an impression of my child based on MIL as she can be quite dramatic at times and overbearing. She’s volunteered at playgroup where SILs children go and formed strong opinions on all her kids friends which feels inappropriate to me. And again it’s another area where the lines between our life and hers is blurred. I haven’t mentioned anything to DH yet on this as I’m not sure if IABU?

I'm a teacher. We have quite a few grandparents who volunteer so it is not uncommon. The children usually love it. Staff certainly don't form impressions about the parents from meeting the grandparents but we are very grateful for the help. I think just ask yourself what the objection is. If it is jealousy that you can't do it yourself, then resist it. If you are worried it will negatively impact your child in some way then why not try it and see? That way you can put a stop to it armed with evidence instead of just looking a bit negative and mean.

Another vote for putting your daughter in nursery 5 days a week and not letting your MIL have her unsupervised

Good on her. Reading with kids at school is fantastic. My mil used to do it when my kids were young.

She's undermining you. Talk to her directly about that and tell her to stop doing it.

Nah I think you should stop the childcare. She can visit at weekends.

Nooo, do not do this, the school will think she is a paedophile. 😳
Just be open and honest with her, or ask your husband to be.

I'm surprised at the responses here. I'm a grandma and very involved with my grandkids, but I wouldn't dream of doing this. I'd love to (though they haven't yet started school) but I'd see it at invasive. This is their parents' territory. Moreover, it's probably something my DD would love to do but can't because of work, so I would be rubbing her nose in it.

I think it's fine to tell MIL that you'd rather she volunteer at her local school, or if you think that won't work, approach the school. The school won't love you for making them the bad guys, but it's worth a try.

I’m not sure, your message is confused, on one side you let her care for your child 2 days a week, and let’s be honest, no one is believing the saving there isn’t a factor, but you don’t want her involved in the school? The caring for her is a bigger impact. Also she’s only 3, she’s not even at school yet.

Our dcs school were glad of grandparent volunteers, particularly as most dc had two working parents. Having retired members of society who are prepared to volunteer at the school is an enormous asset. All you need to do is have a word with your dc's teacher, when she starts school, explaining your concerns.

I have to agree with this comment.

I think it's lovely granny wants to volunteer and no doubt the school will be glad of the help.

Anyway the school will have strict guidelines about who the parent(s) contacts are and so long as you make it clear granny's not a contact there shouldn't be an issue.

Don't use her for childcare then 😐

Why would you let someone who does things like that care for your child?

Oh for goodness sake!

Read what you've written! And what do you think she says when you're NOT there?

Full time nursery, now!

She might not be physically unsafe but she is being emotionally manipulated.

One day you're going to have to put a stop to it and the longer it goes on the harder on your DD

If you think MIL oversteps boundaries then I think you should stop her from doing childcare for you, you're creating the problem (although equally I think it's nice for DC to spend time with their grandparents).

Why the hell would someone approaching their childs school and telling them they have history of undermining you as a parent and getting too involved so you want them to be kept away from daughter and not told private information about her schooling that is for her parents make the school think MIL is a paedophile?!?

Talk to the school, and I'm sure they will understand.
Our primary has strict rules about parent helpers not gossiping about what they see in school - so if she started telling you about what your daughter/friends were doing, she'd be asked to stop helping.

Yeah the school will end up automatically going to her with queries, questions etc instead of you

I'd be furious

🙄 Try reading OP's posts properly. It's called reading COMPREHENSION

How do you feel about explaining to an enraged grandparent in the classroom at the end of the day, in front of other children/parents and carers (because that's when it's cropped up) that actually, no, you can't take little Jessica home, even though she's been in the classroom with her all afternoon reading because Mum wants her to go to After School Club/with the childminder on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays - and then having to escort little Jessica over there each time to make sure that Grandma doesn't try to intercept her when she's just finished the reading?

Ah, your mistake was mentioning the fact she does childcare, OP. There are some people on mumsnet who are obsessively negative about grandparent childcare.

You can explain that the grandparent desperately wants to provide free childcare; they will simply not believe you. You’ll always be an evil witch exploiting a vulnerable older person, ungrateful, etc etc.

I think it’s just jealousy 😁

Get DD into full time child care. What she's doing is damaging to DD. No need to go NC, but:

Bite the bullet and start standing up for yourself and your DD now by sorting the child care thing. You can frame it by saying it's getting her ready for full time school next year.

If she looks as if she's going to persist with the volunteering/PTA thing you'll have two choices:

a) have another grown up convo with her and tell her you'd rather she didn't have that level of involvement with DDs school.
(hard going and she could just do it anyway)

b) tell the school you'd rather she didn't have that level of involvement with the school due to some controlling behaviours she displays around her grandkids. This will have to be a proper meeting with someone though, not something you can bung in a note to the receptionist or something.

Either way i think YANBU, but you need to step up now and do what you know instinctively is best or your DD rather than being afraid of your MIL!