Another MIL one - volunteering at DC school!

[Shortbreadfingerss]

Sorry it’s another MIL one!

MIL has form for interfering and overstepping boundaries so now I’m never sure if I’m just overreacting due to past experiences or if others would be unhappy with situations too.

DH and I have DD who is 3 and we live in a smallish village with one school. MIL lives about 5 miles away. She looks after DD twice per week which we are grateful for.

She’s recently announced she has been in touch with the school in our village to ask if she can volunteer with reading and to join their PTA. There are schools in her village that she could volunteer at. I feel uncomfortable with this as DD will be hopefully starting there soon and it feels that MIL will then have the upper hand/contact with her schooling. I don’t really want teachers to form an impression of my child based on MIL as she can be quite dramatic at times and overbearing. She’s volunteered at playgroup where SILs children go and formed strong opinions on all her kids friends which feels inappropriate to me. And again it’s another area where the lines between our life and hers is blurred. I haven’t mentioned anything to DH yet on this as I’m not sure if IABU?

Oh come on. Sounds as if the situation suits MIL as much as it suits OP. It's perfectly possible to have a decent relationship with someone but not want them to overstep the mark.

My MIL absolutely adored our dcs and I had a reasonable relationship with her. But she still had form for overstepping the mark and behaving as a mum rather than a grandma/whispering in their ears etc. I completely understand the OP's concerns.

Unsafe physically, what about psychologically? If she is emotionally manipulative in the way you indicate, you have a responsibility to your child not to put her in the middle. Honestly, the PTA thing down the track is not the primary concern, it’s what’s going in now.

This is your child, if you want to pay for 5 days childcare then do that, she can be as moody as she likes, she had her time raising her kids this is yours.

The problem is that the boundries are blurred here. It sounds like she's been overstepping, and you've been letting her and then quietly seething about it later rather than changing up what's happening to assert yourself.

The fact she undermines you and is emotionally manipulative would be enough to make me stop using her as childcare tbh.

Would this definitely be your preferred school? (Iust thinking that it's the primary application deadline tomorrow so there is always scope to change... at least in what she is told...)

I think a certain amount of interfering is to be expected with grandparents, people just seem to notice it and take more offence at it when it’s the in laws rather than their own parents. Whatever happened to rolling your eyes and just brushing it off. My MIL could be kind of like this when my kids were small but I wasn’t so insecure as a parent that I thought she could turn my DC against me or undermine me in any meaningful way. She was just interested in the welfare of my DC and our ideas didn’t always align, that’s ok. I’m the parent what I say goes.

I actually don’t see a huge issue with your MIL wanting to help with readers at the school your dd may potentially go to next year. If your dd does start there when she’s volunteering just make the school aware that messages are to be given directly to you and not passed through your mother in law. They can’t tell her stuff if you tell them not to. It doesn’t have to be a drama.

What an evil old bag wanting to give up her time and volunteer, of course there must be an ulterior motive to try and poison the school against you.
As a mum of boys it makes me so sad reading posts like this

Don’t overthink this OP, which I appreciate is difficult if she is really that awful. She may not even be able to volunteer now whilst your DD doesn’t go there - we certainly wouldn’t accept volunteers who had nothing to do with the school at all. In fact, many schools now do not allow any volunteers who aren’t DBS checked (which means we have barely anyone to read with the children but that’s a different story)! When your DD starts, just say I don’t want you to discuss anything about my DD with my MIL. This will not be a big deal to them and they will respect your wishes without asking further questions. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if a parent approached me to say that and would just do as they’ve instructed me for safeguarding and data protection reasons.

I don’t really want teachers to form an impression of my child based on MIL.

You also don’t need to worry about us doing this - we are too busy to speculate about what type of family you might be based on a child’s grandma!

So many parents complain on Mumsnet that their parents and in-laws are not involved and yours not only looks after your child twice a week she also volunteered to help at their school.

Grandparent helpers are very welcome and encouraged at my GC school. I have done it and it's not the school nearest to me either. The school won't make any assumptions on your child based on your mother in law. They will just be grateful that she is helping.
Wanting to join the PTA is odd and I don't see how she would be eligible but maybe that's a misunderstanding.
I'm sorry if I've missed something but on face value I don't see the issue.

This is a good idea.

If mil is prepared to join the PTA then snap her hand off I say.
I’d have pushed any family member forward rather than do that thankless task myself. Mil is giving you a get out of jail free card - take it!

It's likely that she will have to read with children who are behind/struggling and needing extra help. People go into my child's school and volunteer to read with children but she won't be able to choose to read with her grandchild, the school will put her where she's needed. And she won't be able to join the PTA until your child has officially started school I don't think but again, she'll be asked to help with the tombola/school disco and those kinds of things. It's not like she'll be able to sit in the staff room discussing your child with all the teachers. You'll be the one attending parents evening and picking your child up/dropping them off so you'll have more to do with the teachers in that way. I wouldn't object to it and cause drama.

however the comments like "you'd prefer to live at my house wouldn't you?" would seriously annoy me too!

Oh my! I think get in their early and as soon as you get a place send an email to the school and ask it to go on file. Explain there is a link to a volunteer but please remember that although a grandparent you would not like her to have any contact at school or for any information to ever be passed or discussed about her or her classmates.

There are further compromises to be made in between two days childcare and going NC. How about not having her provide child care and going to visit her once a week/fortnight to maintain the relationship? It might not be a popular move, but it seems a better balance given your concerns.

I can totally see my MIL doing this , and it would really get me down to know that she’s up in our lives so much. I like to keep things quite private and separate, because I’ve learned from experience that otherwise things become super enmeshed and it damages my relationship and my family life.

two things -

go for 5 days nursery. Accept the fall out!! It’s important for them to maintain a relationship, but that can be with you all as a family together rather than always one to one, especially if there are manipulative tendencies.

ask her directly to not get involved with your children’s school life. Better to be straight up at this stage before it grows arms and legs. Just say that you don’t think it’s appropriate, as it’s something that you will be doing as a parent.

she might think you’re mad, but who really cares - your priority has to be your immediate family. State your case, be clear, and then accept that you’ve done all you can.

I think people can overestimate how much impact volunteering and being on the PTA has on school: often PTA activities are fairly separate to school activities (You may have 1-2 members of staff involved at PTA meetings but teachers have better things to do! ). I wouldn’t worry too much: teachers are used to having to keep an eye on the motivations and behaviour of those volunteering and moving people around on that basis. If and when your daughter joins the school, I’d tell your class teacher that you’d prefer your dd not to be supervised by their grandmother when possible to help her build her independence. Most schools will have volunteer policies that state that info is confidential, so ask for a copy (in case you decide to volunteer too!) and If your MIL ever passes on any school ‘gossip’ she’s picked up, look shocked and point out the school policy is never to pass info on. If she can’t gossip she may lose interest! And definitely join the pta yourself, even if you don’t do loads: you’ll defuse her impact by being there yourself.

Way back when I volunteered, I was put into DD1's class, but was allocated completely different children (the ones that needed more input, the entire point of being there). She might as well have been in a different class, which was fine by me.

However, it's not unheard of for family members to use getting involved in PTAs and Governors to try to manipulate staff (and to give the children the message that there is nowhere to hide or be separate and uncontrolled/family member knows everything and nobody will ever believe anything to the contrary). Sometimes Heads/DSLs/Governors are alert to this, sometimes not.

Ask her not to do it. It’s inappropriate for her to have more of a relationship with the school than you. Explain you feel it may hinder your child developing their own independence if granny is around too much.

If she still persists, tell her you will ask the school to keep her away from your child and that will be humiliating for everyone.

Frame it as ‘what is best for your child’. She’s deliberately trying to undermine you. Stand up for yourself.

The "wouldn't you rather live at Grandma's" is highly inappropriate and way over stepping her bounds. That's a hill I'd be willing to die on. Your dh needs to step in and establish clear boundaries in no uncertain terms. If he won't do that, you have a dh problem.

OP there is a vast difference between NC and 2 days per week childcare!

@Frozensun is right. Your MIL is already emotionally abusing your DD

If you are even contemplating "going full NC" what the actual F is she doing anywhere near your child????

MIL reads with DS's class. She was volunteering in that year group last year and she did offer to move so she wasn't with him when he moved up bit they were fine with it.

Mine's lovely and not at all overbearing though.

If she’s doing and saying things like this, she should not be watching your child unsupervised on a regular basis. Speaking as a child who was exposed to this type of family dynamic it’s actually extremely harmful. She can throw a tantrum about no longer watching your daughter, but that doesn’t mean you have to go no contact. You can easily continue to visit her a couple of times a month and let her have short stents of time on supervisor your daughter, such as a few hours instead of this regular childcare. You seem to want her to be unable to have so much influence in your lives yet you continue to facilitate her to be one of the biggest influences in your daughters life, even when she tries to alienate You from her for her own gain. You need to develop a backbone and actually set actual clear boundaries and restrict her unsupervised access instead of trying to compromise on your child’s well-being and safety to benefit an adult woman.

🙄